More than I could ask or think

I know it has been a while since I have written here. So much has been happening that I have felt like all I could do is just sit back and watch my life play out before me. Now that I feel like I have somewhat of a pulse on the craziness that has been my life, I would love to fill everyone in (and by everyone I mean the whole 9 people that read this hehe).

A week after I miscarried in March, I decided that I would aggressively pursue teaching. I went to the UNC job fair a week after our baby went to heaven. I interviewed with several schools but after the job fair heard nothing back. I was very discouraged. I did get one interview with a school that I have wanted to work for, for a long time. My interview went very well but the job ended up going to one of my friends. I was such a mixture of emotion. I was so happy for her but so sad for me. I just remember feeling like I had hit rock bottom. In that moment, I felt like nothing would go right in my life ever again. Everything I had put my hand to had failed. Every door I tried to open got closed in my face. I remember yelling in my car with tears gushing down my face, "God what the HECK are you doing?"

I was inconsolable. No scripture passage, no words of wisdom brought comfort. And this was not about not getting the job. That was just the straw that broke my back. The bottomless pit I found myself falling through was a year's worth of disappointments mounting one on top of the other. It was hours and hours of prayers for breakthrough and deliverance going unanswered. Was this going to be the rest of my life?

Jesus is patient. He is kind. He was so gentle with me. Though I felt so angry and frustrated with Him, I still felt Him with me, listening to me, wanting to ease my hurts with His presence. So I let Him visit me. I told Him to come after me. I told Him that I didn't have the strength to go after Him, so would He please keep coming after me? And He did.

May came and I still had no answers about what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I would ask God constantly, "What do You want me to do? You keep shutting down everything I try....so could You tell me what You want?" Nothing. I heard absolutely nothing. The only thing He would talk to me about is my relationship with Him. I wanted to talk about how He was going to provide so we could afford an adoption, or how I was going to get a teaching job to reach out to kids with His love. I had all these awesome well-meaning things I was going to do for Him and He wouldn't let me. Why God? And He told me. He reminded me that all He had ever really wanted from me was to have my whole heart. To have my whole focus. Out of that relationship He said He and I would do great things together, but it was a partnership. It was not about what I could do for Him. That was one of the most freeing revelations I had ever had from Him. He really does just want me. Just me. He didn't create me for what I could do for Him. He created me so I could have a relationship with Him.

Little did I know what He had up His sleeve. That's the thing about God, you never know what He is about to do. He is the master of surprise. And let me tell you, I was about to be heart-stopping surprised. I was feeling a bit odd. My monthly friend had not come, but that wasn't news since that had been happening for the last year. On a whim at the dollar store, I picked up some pregnancy tests. When I got home I decided to take one. Nothing happened for a while. But then just like it had happened with my March pregnancy, I began to see a faint pink line. "No way" That's all I could think. I went and got a digital test. Sure enough it said "pregnant" and my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I remember whispering to the Lord, "I am not ready to lose a third child. How could You do this?"

I lived in an agonized state for a good two weeks. I woke up everyday and the first thought in my head was, "Will today be the day that I lose this baby?" I remember being about 5 weeks pregnant and going to church and beseeching God for help. I was depressed. I was full of anxiety. I did not posses an ounce of faith for the baby I carried, much to my shame. That night a word went out for "child-like faith". I raised my hand and many people prayed. Jesus changed me. Just ask my family. When I left that place I had faith and hope that were not there when I came in. Jesus met me where I was and gave me faith I didn't deserve because He is good and faithful, even when I'm not.

And boy would I need that faith. I finally called my doctor to let her know I was pregnant. She had me come in and do blood work immediately because of my "high risk" status. I appreciate that I get extra care and attention because I am high risk but I also hate that everything that happens in my body is micro-managed. It invites anxiety and fear like nothing else. Sure enough, my progesterone was once again low. She put me on supplements immediately. She had me continue to come in and do blood work to look at my quant count (the level of hcg should double every two days). I got a call on a Tuesday that the blood work was back and that the levels went up but they did not double. The doctor was concerned and wanted to order an ultra sound.Luckily, I got one scheduled for that morning so that I did not drive myself insane with worry.

All the way to the ultra-sound I talked to God. I prayed for this child. I prayed that we would see a heartbeat. I remember saying, "God I know who You are! You can do anything. So do this for me! Show Yourself strong." I felt like I was daring God to do this. Part of me was questioning whether I should be doing that, but somehow it felt right. Like He didn't mind my petition.

My husband Jason and my Mom came with me. I was visibly shaking on the table when the tech preformed the ultra sound. Within five seconds of inserting the wand she identified our baby and our baby's strong heartbeat of 130 bpm at the gestational age of 7 weeks. I felt like I was going to jump off the table for joy! Our baby was alive despite the low numbers and despite the low progesterone. I was staring at my tiny little miracle on the screen. God had heard me and He answered.

But He was just getting warmed up. A week before the ultra sound, I got a call from a middle school in Kersey asking if they could schedule an interview. I went to the interview and it went very well. The next week, a day after the ultra sound I got a call for a job offer from that school. I could not in good conscience not tell them about the pregnancy and my high risk factors. I told them that if they wanted to retract the offer I would understand. They said they needed some time to think it over but that they would let me know soon. I knew it would have to be God for me to get the job because who in their right mind would hire someone who is a first year teacher and would require maternity leave and possibly bed rest? The next day my husband got promoted at his job which is such a huge financial blessing. Then the school called. They offered me the job.

All that happened in a week. I will never forget that week as long as I live. My husband and I went to dinner Friday of the crazy blessings week and we just sat back amazed and confounded. Jesus reminded me of when He was talking to Peter and John while they were out fishing. They had been fishing all night and had caught nothing. Then Jesus told them to put their nets on the other side of the boat. The fish were so many that the nets broke. That is how I felt. Jesus told me, "I have so many blessings coming in such abundance that you will not be able to keep them all."

He is extravagantly good to me. I sit here typing with a healthy 13 week baby inside me, a job that will financially allow us to adopt (which we are going to do no matter how many children we have biologically), and my husband is able to move up in a very fulfilling career. Breakthrough has found me. Redemtion has found me. My Healer has found me.

On Friday of this week, I will going down to Denver for surgery. Please pray for myself and baby. It will be happening at 11:00 am so if you think of us please pray. Ways you can pray are that the cerclage would be placed in a way that it will hold this baby till term. Pray that there would be no infection. Pray that the doctor would have stead hands and wisdom as he sews. Pray for the presence of Jesus to be in that operating room. I will be awake for the procedure, so pray for peace over me. Pray for a quick recovery. Pray for minimal bleeding and cramping. But most of all pray that God's glory be revealed in this pregnancy. I am grateful for the cerclage but I know that HE is the one who holds this baby. He is one that holds the keys to life and death. I put all my trust in Jesus. I declare with faith that this child will be full term. I declare that this child will be delivered unto life and not death. I believe He is who He says He is. Believe with me.