Even here

March was a whirlwind. On March 5th, my brother's birthday, we found out that we would be parents for the second time. I took four different pregnancy tests because I was in such a state of shock. I had always pictured how that moment would be when we found out that God had delivered His promise, and all I could do was sit in shock. I didn't eat a single thing that day because I couldn't believe that our baby had finally come.

Then March 23rd came. It was our beautiful Aleah's one year anniversary of her life and death. That was a hard day but there was comfort in knowing I had another child in my womb. The next morning I began to bleed. There was no major cause for alarm because the amount was not very great. Still, it unsettled me. The next day the bleeding increased. We went to the emergency room that night and did an ultra sound which showed that the pregnancy was dating around 5 weeks. According to my calculations and the word God gave my Mother about when our child was conceived, the measurements were off by 2 weeks. I knew that I should be seeing a fetal heartbeat, but all I saw was a sack.

My parents and husband strongly believed that everything would be alright. I so wanted to believe with them. But I knew that something was wrong. The next day I miscarried. I know that the baby had left for heaven long before my body realized he was gone. I also believe that our baby was a little boy. We named him Asher Jason Harris. I guess the joke will be on me when I get to heaven if "Asher" is a little girl. Like Aleah's name, Asher is Hebrew and means "happiness". He gave us such great happiness for those three wonderful weeks.

This miscarriage has confused and perplexed me beyond anything that has occurred in my life. With Aleah's death I saw meaning and purpose. With Asher's death, all I know is confusion. I don't know what God is doing. I don't know why He took Asher to heaven. He was my promised child. What do you do when your promise dies?

But this changes nothing. This death does not negate the goodness of God. He is faithful. He gave me my promise; I became pregnant just like He said I would. And He has given me grace once again. I am living in a peace that I do not understand. My heart aches with pain but I can honestly say it is well with my soul. I don't understand, but I don't need to understand. The pain would be the same. I know Him so I trust Him. Even here. Even in this place of death and broken dreams. Though He slay me I will put my trust in Him. I will not make the goodness of God contingent upon my circumstances. He is greater. He has overcome. His perfect love casts out all my fears. Because I know His great love for me, I rejoice that my God is for me. I will be loyal to Him unto death. All deaths. No matter how many children He calls to heaven, I will bless the Lord because He is worthy of all my praise.

About a month after Aleah died, I was driving down the road and I felt the Holy Spirit ask, "Jessica, if I take another child will you still love me there?" I was staggered by the question. God had just taken my firstborn, how could He ask me a question like that? I measured my words carefully before I responded. I said, "Yes, I will love you. Even there, I will love you." And I meant that.

Now He has taken me up on my promise. So Lord Jesus, I say yes. I love you. Even here.