Today was Aleah's due date. It has finally come. I anticipated being overcome with grief and sorrow but instead I am filled with longing, love, hope, and thankfulness. No one but God Himself could do this in me. I could not manufacture these feeling voluntarily. He is good. He is my healer. He has wounded that He might heal. Yes, He took her and inflicted the wound, and yes, He is still good. Please believe that He can take children and still be the good and faithful God that He promises He is.
I have heard many people claim that if God takes away children from their parents then He cannot be trusted and He is no longer good. Do not buy into that pack of lies. He is God. Who are we to tell Him what He can and cannot do? He sacrificed His only Son for us, and we have the gall to tell Him that He cannot have our own children if He wants? If we perfectly understood the mind of God and all His ways, why would we ever worship Him? There would be no point. We would know it all and would not have need of Him. So when things happen in your life that are beyond your understanding...it's ok. Really. Because He is a good God. Choose to see that. Because you can choose not to.
I remember being in worship a few weeks after Aleah died and I asked God, "Why did You take her?". I wasn't expecting a response but He gave me one. In fact, it is the only thing He has ever said to me about the "why" of this whole situation. He asked me a question, "Jessica, would you believe that I sacrificed her so that you would love Me more?" I remember being absolutely stunned by this question because God was telling that not only did He do this TO me but He did this FOR me.
When He said, "so you would love me more" I thought He meant I would continue to grow in love for God. But as I was driving home from a dear friend's house today, He revealed to me even more of what He meant. "Love me more" means that I literally love Him more than I love Aleah. And do you know what the scary part is? I DO love Him more.
This is not something that has happened overnight either. In fact, to be perfectly honest for a few months after she died when I thought about heaven, I mostly thought about Aleah. When I thought of going home, I thought of getting to see Aleah first. I wanted her to be the first one I would see...even before my blessed Savior. He is a jealous God. There will be NONE before Him. No not even our children. But He did not strike me down in anger for my betrayal. But rather He slowly worked on my heart, showing me that He was the only One who would never disappoint me or let me down. That He was the fulfillment I was searching for. That even if Aleah has stayed she could not satisfy my deep need for perfect love. She would disappoint me. But He would not. His perfect love would cast out all my fears.
So on this day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. Because He has given it to me. He knows all my days. He knows the plans that He has for me. And they are plans to give me a hope and a future. And I have hope. I hold onto it tightly. His hope will not disappoint.
My dear, sweet friend Stevie is VERY pregnant right now. In fact, she will deliver her son Cooper any day now. She has been the most amazing friend to me through this heart-wrenching season. She has cried with me and listened to me talk on and on. She is so dear to my heart. She was there when I was in the hospital at PVH. She is my prayer warrior. And I would like to share with you a poem she wrote for Aleah and our family. She has an amazing gift of writing poetry. Read it and be blessed!
Aleah Grace
March 23, 2011
She came here unexpectedly,
But only for a time.
An Angel sent from Heaven
With a purpose quite divine.
The earth was never meant to be
The place where she called home.
She was simply just a messenger
Of Heaven's very own.
For many, it was hard to see
The purpose of her birth
But the Father has a reason
Why He sent this child to earth.
This tiny Angel's message
Was of blessing and of love.
She brought with her the Father's Heart,
A glimpse of Heaven above.
Never did she suffer pain,
And never did she cry.
She was simply sweet perfection
And the Apple of God's eye.
That must be why He wanted her
And kept her free from harm.
An Immigrant ascending to
The Father's open arms.
Thank you Stevie! I love you so much my precious friend.
