In this season, Jesus has taught me to be thankful. I am thankful that we were able to get pregnant so easily. I am thankful that I got to feel her moving as early as 16 weeks. I felt her move every single day after that. She had energy! Sometimes I would be sitting and she would kick me so hard that I would jump. She was a strong little girl. I love that I know that about her. I am thankful that I got to hold her and see her tiny movements. I am thankful that she died in my arms and not in her crib in the NICU.
I am thankful for all the pictures that we have of her. I will not forget what she looked like. I am thankful for the ultrasounds that we had with her. We saw her at 5 weeks (well actually she was too little to be seen then but we saw her sac) we saw her heart beating at six weeks, we saw her dance, spin, and twirl inside me at 16 weeks, and we saw that she was a beautiful baby girl at 20 weeks. I am thankful that God named her. I will always know it was His will that she leave this earth so early because of her name. It was always her destiny; her name was His stamp of approval.
I am thankful that I can joke and call her my "little vegetarian" because when I was pregnant with her she would not let me eat meat! I am thankful that we recorded her heartbeat when we heard it coming in strong at 150 bpm when she was 14 weeks. Now, I listen to that recording over and over again and let the tears fall and remember my lovely Aleah. I am thankful that Jesus died for us. I have always been thankful that He sacrificed Himself, but this year it has taken on new meaning because now I am a mother. My greatest concern was for her safety and welfare and because He sacrificed His only Son, my child will have eternal life. He has promised me that I will see her again.
I am thankful for the presence of the Holy Spirit inside me. He is the voice of truth. He is teaching me to be quiet and listen for His voice. I am thankful that I am can embrace my grief and sorrow as friends that will carry me through this heart-wrenching season. I am thankful for my husband. Jesus gave me an earthly mate that I can walk through the fire with. I am thankful for everyone who has prayed for me and my husband. We are so thankful for your prayers and we really do feel them. I am thankful for everyone who reads this blog. Thank you for letting me pour out my heart here. I am thankful for the promises that will come. I proclaim in Jesus' name to be thankful for the future babies He will give me because it is His good pleasure to bless me, not because I deserve it but because He is wonderful and good.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
God is in the small stuff
Last weekend I was over at my parents' house (yes I practically live there now) and was having breakfast with them. On the mantel of the fireplace I saw a small brown bear. It reminded me of the bear that the hospital gave us after Aleah died. The bear was included in a care package that had imprints of her feet and hands, a tiny diaper, measuring tape of how long she was, a blanket, baby booties and a hat, and a journal for me to write in. When we buried her, she was so small that I didn't want her to be all alone in her casket so I had the bear placed with her.
Well, after a few weeks had passed I decided that I wanted the bear and regretted putting the bear in with her. Sometimes I miss her so much that I just want to hold something because my arms are empty. This was brought on largely because Jason started calling her Aleah bear. I wanted something tangible that I could hold, I wanted my Aleah bear.
The bear on the mantle was a bear that my parents put out at Christmas time but somehow had not made it into the boxes with the other decorations. I asked my Mom if I could have the little bear because it so closely resembled the bear given to us at the hospital. She said that was fine. I went to pick up the bear and felt something on the back. I turned the bear over and saw a pair of golden wings. My heart stopped and my eyes grew watery as I realized how perfect this little bear was. This really was my Aleah bear, representing my little girl now in heaven.
God gently whispered, "I planned this just for you." The little bear had been left out for months without a thought, but God had plans for that little bear. He knew what was going to happen to me and my little girl and He planned to remind me of His love through a tiny bear. He has let me know that He has not forgotten me or my pain. He lets me know that He has gone before me and prepared a way for me. I thank God for the small things He does in my life to let me know how much He loves me. Even though He is the great creator and almighty who is worshiped and praised by a host of angelic beings, He will take out the time to plan for me to find a bear with wings to give me comfort.
Well, after a few weeks had passed I decided that I wanted the bear and regretted putting the bear in with her. Sometimes I miss her so much that I just want to hold something because my arms are empty. This was brought on largely because Jason started calling her Aleah bear. I wanted something tangible that I could hold, I wanted my Aleah bear.
The bear on the mantle was a bear that my parents put out at Christmas time but somehow had not made it into the boxes with the other decorations. I asked my Mom if I could have the little bear because it so closely resembled the bear given to us at the hospital. She said that was fine. I went to pick up the bear and felt something on the back. I turned the bear over and saw a pair of golden wings. My heart stopped and my eyes grew watery as I realized how perfect this little bear was. This really was my Aleah bear, representing my little girl now in heaven.
God gently whispered, "I planned this just for you." The little bear had been left out for months without a thought, but God had plans for that little bear. He knew what was going to happen to me and my little girl and He planned to remind me of His love through a tiny bear. He has let me know that He has not forgotten me or my pain. He lets me know that He has gone before me and prepared a way for me. I thank God for the small things He does in my life to let me know how much He loves me. Even though He is the great creator and almighty who is worshiped and praised by a host of angelic beings, He will take out the time to plan for me to find a bear with wings to give me comfort.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Lessons from a Cat
Last night I was at my parents' house (somewhere I frequently am because we live in the same neighborhood and my husband is working like a crazy person because he's a CPA and it's busy season). My Mom and my sister and I were in the kitchen finishing up dishes from dinner. While we were complete our task, Toby our enormous tabby cat announced his presence by loudly meowing. He persisted in his urgent demands causing Sara to move toward the laundry room where his food is kept. Toby followed yelling the whole way (the cat likes his food, as evidenced by his large size).
We have started keeping Toby's food up on the dryer because my dog Desmond likes to eat Toby's food. Desmond is not agile enough to jump up on the dryer but Toby can despite his obese state. Well, Toby seems to suffer from long-term memory loss; he can not remember that we put his food up on the dryer despite the fact that we do it everyday. Sara began to pick him up to bring him to his food, and Toby not understanding the situation started crying even louder. He was exasperated that my sister would not give him the food he wanted. As she placed him down on the dryer, he saw his food and his cries subsided and he gleefully began to eat his food.
I am like Toby so many times. I suffer from long-term memory loss. I forget the goodness and providence that God has displayed in my life. Again and again, He shows His faithfulness and love in my life. I have an incredible family, I have a husband who was made just for me, and I have a cute house to live in. I am blessed. I am impatient like Toby. I forget that my Master loves me more than I can imagine and that He has my best interests at heart.
Toby does not realize that the whole reason we moved his beloved food up to where he can't see it is because we are protecting that food from Desmond. If we left the food down where he could reach it, he would not have the amount he has when we place it higher.
Losing Aleah is hard for me to understand, but I know the goodness of my God. He does not do anything just to see me suffer; He has a purpose. I may never fully know what that purpose is, but that does not change His good character. My circumstances do not dictate the character of God.
So the next time I am frustrated and angry, I will remember Toby. I will remember that everything my sister does is for his good (the same can't be said of me, Toby and I aren't the best of friends) even when he doesn't understand or can't see why. So I will have faith that my God has moved my Aleah up higher and someday I will get to her, even though I can't see her. I never thought that God would use cat food as analogy for my daughter (laughing in background) but it is a perfect analogy for me at this time in my life.
We have started keeping Toby's food up on the dryer because my dog Desmond likes to eat Toby's food. Desmond is not agile enough to jump up on the dryer but Toby can despite his obese state. Well, Toby seems to suffer from long-term memory loss; he can not remember that we put his food up on the dryer despite the fact that we do it everyday. Sara began to pick him up to bring him to his food, and Toby not understanding the situation started crying even louder. He was exasperated that my sister would not give him the food he wanted. As she placed him down on the dryer, he saw his food and his cries subsided and he gleefully began to eat his food.
I am like Toby so many times. I suffer from long-term memory loss. I forget the goodness and providence that God has displayed in my life. Again and again, He shows His faithfulness and love in my life. I have an incredible family, I have a husband who was made just for me, and I have a cute house to live in. I am blessed. I am impatient like Toby. I forget that my Master loves me more than I can imagine and that He has my best interests at heart.
Toby does not realize that the whole reason we moved his beloved food up to where he can't see it is because we are protecting that food from Desmond. If we left the food down where he could reach it, he would not have the amount he has when we place it higher.
Losing Aleah is hard for me to understand, but I know the goodness of my God. He does not do anything just to see me suffer; He has a purpose. I may never fully know what that purpose is, but that does not change His good character. My circumstances do not dictate the character of God.
So the next time I am frustrated and angry, I will remember Toby. I will remember that everything my sister does is for his good (the same can't be said of me, Toby and I aren't the best of friends) even when he doesn't understand or can't see why. So I will have faith that my God has moved my Aleah up higher and someday I will get to her, even though I can't see her. I never thought that God would use cat food as analogy for my daughter (laughing in background) but it is a perfect analogy for me at this time in my life.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Back to School
Last week was my first week back at school. It was good to have a place to go and a purpose for going there. My students did not know about Aleah or why I was absent a few days before Spring Break. Telling them about my loss hurt. But I felt like they deserved to know because when I was pregnant with her, they would constantly ask me about her (I think they also knew that if they could get me talking about her they wouldn't have to do school work). They would ask me if she was kicking, how big she was, or what I was going to name her. They had many suggestions to what I should name her, such as Timantha...(8th graders are weird) or their own name. When I told them she had died, their little eyes became wide with the news. What surprised me the most was how concerned they were about how I was feeling. They wanted to know that I would be ok. That touched me that they cared. So far, they have been so good about being careful around me. When I told them about Aleah, I allowed them to ask me questions, but then told them that I did not want to talk about her after their questions were answered. They have honored my request, but they still check in with me everyday by asking me how I am doing.
As I enter into the last two weeks of student teaching, I find myself asking, "What next God"? I had planned to stay home with Aleah once she was born. Raising Aleah and her future brothers or sisters at home is what I had hoped for and dreamed of. Now those hopes and dreams are shattered. I find myself surrounded by my grief and unsure where to go next. I have found myself asking, "God what do you require of me?" I know that God's will is being done in my life; I don't always understand what He is doing or why He is doing it, but I am convinced that nothing has occurred that He has not sanctioned or planned.
In this time of darkness, I have been running into the arms of my savior. Asking Him to reveal His plans for me, asking Him to give me peace, asking Him to draw near to me. Sometimes I feel His love and grace so strongly, but then other times I feel so alone and like my grief will swallow me whole. I now have such a better understanding of what David was saying in the Psalms when he cries out to God and asks, why have you forsaken me, why have you turned your face from me? Though I know in my head that God will never leave me or forsake me, sometimes in the dark of the night you cannot see Him or feel His presence. I guess this is where faith comes in. My faith is being tested like never before. Even though I cannot feel Him like I am used to, I believe. Even though my dreams and hopes have been shattered, I will trust Him.
Sometimes there is anger in me. I am frustrated and confused. But I have learned something. God is not afraid of my anger. He is not threatened by my frustrations. For the first few weeks after Aleah died I was trying so hard not to be angry. I was trying so hard to be faithful to my Jesus by not admitting the feelings that raged beneath the surface. Finally, a few days ago I had it out with God. I was making chocolate chip cookies in my kitchen and was feeling awful. I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to speak my feeling out-loud. I told him that he did not want to hear what I had to say. He told me even if it was ugly to speak it. I did. I released my hurt, my anger, my frustration. My dog must have thought I was crazy as I dropped cookie dough onto the cookie sheets while I cried and raged at God. I learned something. God is big enough to take my anger. He showed me that I am His child. Sometimes children do not understand why their parents do things or why they allow things to happen to their children. But my Father is a good Father. He loves me enough to listen to my anger and frustration and still want to wrap me in His arms and let me cry. Keeping my feeling inside did nothing but cause me harm. God knew my thoughts and feeling before I ever spoke them. God has told me that in this time of grief all He wants from me is to bring everything to Him. I will bring Him my hurt, my anger, my pain, my praise, my worship, my confusion, and my love for my daughter. Everyday I will bring it to him and lay it all at His feet. I surrender all. All of it. Because He is mighty and able, He is my strength. He is my hero.
As I enter into the last two weeks of student teaching, I find myself asking, "What next God"? I had planned to stay home with Aleah once she was born. Raising Aleah and her future brothers or sisters at home is what I had hoped for and dreamed of. Now those hopes and dreams are shattered. I find myself surrounded by my grief and unsure where to go next. I have found myself asking, "God what do you require of me?" I know that God's will is being done in my life; I don't always understand what He is doing or why He is doing it, but I am convinced that nothing has occurred that He has not sanctioned or planned.
In this time of darkness, I have been running into the arms of my savior. Asking Him to reveal His plans for me, asking Him to give me peace, asking Him to draw near to me. Sometimes I feel His love and grace so strongly, but then other times I feel so alone and like my grief will swallow me whole. I now have such a better understanding of what David was saying in the Psalms when he cries out to God and asks, why have you forsaken me, why have you turned your face from me? Though I know in my head that God will never leave me or forsake me, sometimes in the dark of the night you cannot see Him or feel His presence. I guess this is where faith comes in. My faith is being tested like never before. Even though I cannot feel Him like I am used to, I believe. Even though my dreams and hopes have been shattered, I will trust Him.
Sometimes there is anger in me. I am frustrated and confused. But I have learned something. God is not afraid of my anger. He is not threatened by my frustrations. For the first few weeks after Aleah died I was trying so hard not to be angry. I was trying so hard to be faithful to my Jesus by not admitting the feelings that raged beneath the surface. Finally, a few days ago I had it out with God. I was making chocolate chip cookies in my kitchen and was feeling awful. I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to speak my feeling out-loud. I told him that he did not want to hear what I had to say. He told me even if it was ugly to speak it. I did. I released my hurt, my anger, my frustration. My dog must have thought I was crazy as I dropped cookie dough onto the cookie sheets while I cried and raged at God. I learned something. God is big enough to take my anger. He showed me that I am His child. Sometimes children do not understand why their parents do things or why they allow things to happen to their children. But my Father is a good Father. He loves me enough to listen to my anger and frustration and still want to wrap me in His arms and let me cry. Keeping my feeling inside did nothing but cause me harm. God knew my thoughts and feeling before I ever spoke them. God has told me that in this time of grief all He wants from me is to bring everything to Him. I will bring Him my hurt, my anger, my pain, my praise, my worship, my confusion, and my love for my daughter. Everyday I will bring it to him and lay it all at His feet. I surrender all. All of it. Because He is mighty and able, He is my strength. He is my hero.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Aleah's Story
I've decided to create this blog to remember and celebrate my daughter Aleah Grace. I want this to be a place where I can freely, and openly express my thoughts, feelings, and "ah ha" moments. I want to share her life with the world; she was an amazing little girl who utterly and completely changed my life in only 59 minutes. She has shown me more about love in those precious moments than I could have hoped to learn in a lifetime without her. She has given me a glimpse into the love that our heavenly Father has for us as His children.
I would like to take the opportunity to tell you a little bit about Aleah Grace and her story. My husband Jason and I were married on July 21, 2008. It was truly a magical and special day. I always smile when I remember my wedding day. I thought I was as in love with my husband as I would ever be on my wedding day. I was wrong :) We had been married for a little over 2 years when we decided it was time to try to start a family. From day 1 of our marriage, Jason and I had planned for and wanted children, and after two years of enjoying each other, we decided it was time.
I remember being so afraid that we would not be able to get pregnant or that it would take much longer than I wanted to wait (patience has always been a struggle for me and I thought that God might use my pregnancy as an opportunity to try to teach me some). However, we were pregnant quickly! My Grammie called my Mom four days before I found out that I was pregnant and asked, "Is Jessica pregnant?" My Mom laughed and said no. We laughed about it together when my Mom told me that Grammie had called. However, 4 days later I discovered that Grammie was right, I was pregnant.
I always thought that I would have some dramatic, special way to tell Jason that we were pregnant. Turns out it wasn't too glamorous but I smile every time I think about it. I had taken a pregnancy test on Monday and it came out negative so I was sure that I was not expecting. However, when my period did not come all week I became suspicious. On Saturday morning I could take the waiting no longer and I decided to take a pregnancy test. I fully expected it to be negative and became alarmed when the stick turned into a plus sign. So being in shock, at 6 in the morning on a Saturday I marched into our bedroom threw on the lights and announced, "Jason, we're pregnant." He mumbled and moaned a confused, "What?". I repeated the news again. He replied, "Are you serious?!?" I ran to him and we joyfully embraced the news that we were going to be a family.
As a little girl, I had always dreamed of the day I would get married and the day I would become a mommy. Even as I grew up, I knew that I wanted a husband and a family. I thought that pregnancy was going to be something similar to a Disney Princess movie. I thought that I would be glowing, radiant, and beautiful. I even thought perhaps little animals might come out to greet me each morning, and I would sing to them in perfect harmony. Well, I was surprised and disappointed to discover that I did not glow or feel radiant and my beauty was being replaced with pimples and frizzy hair.
My first trimester was a very challenging time for me. I was still a full-time student at UNC and had a part time job at the campus Coffee Cart. I felt like I experienced every pregnancy symptom in the book. I was so tired, my breasts were so sore, and I had a lot of cramping and pressure. This in particular caused me to be alarmed because thanks to google, I was sure that my pregnancy was going to end. For the next 8 weeks, I lived in fear. I remember checking sometimes hourly to see if I was bleeding. Jason could tell I was in misery because of the fear I carried around me like a weight. In addition to the constant fear, I also developed a constant state of nausea just in time for Thanksgiving! There was a period where I did not eat dinner for over a month. The combination of all these things caused me to be depressed about the pregnancy because it was not matching up with the Disney Princess version I had created in my head years earlier.
The fear and depression exhausted me emotionally. I tried to cry out to God but I felt like I just could not connect to Him. After weeks of trying to somehow keep my pregnancy going in my own power, God gently revealed to me how wrong I was. He asked me how I was liking taking all the responsibility of making the pregnancy work. He then asked me to give Him my baby, to surrender the control I wanted and give it all to Him. I remember journaling at about week 11 in my pregnancy about my fear. I finally agreed that I had to surrender all to Him. I had to give Him the life of my precious child and I finally had to face the worst case scenario, God could take my child. God asked me if I would trust Him even if that were to happen. I said I would. I wrote in my journal, "Even if my worst fears are confirmed, I know that God will give me the grace to get through it." I had no idea how prophetic those words would be.
Fear is not from God. But God used my fear and weakness to prepare me for what I would walk through 13 weeks later. He took me to a place of complete surrender. Having a child was the dream I held closest to my heart, something I wanted more than anything in the world. And I gave her to Him. Knowing He could take her away, but not believing He would.
Once I entered my second trimester, my earlier first trimester symptoms began to melt away as did my fear. I loved my second trimester. I began to show in my 12th week which I loved! I was so excited to look pregnant. I began to eat food again...and it tasted good! My little Aleah bug must have been a vegetarian because I still felt an aversion to meat. I loved shopping for maternity clothes. I started student teaching and felt my energy come back to me (thank goodness because my middle schooloers stole it right back).
Around week 16, I was riding in my parents' car with them when I felt a "poke". It was my baby girl. It felt like someone was poking me from the inside. I felt her poke me four more times that day and I giggled every time she did. I will always treasure and remember that moment. My little girl would go on for the next seven weeks of her life to wake me up each morning with her movements and lull me to the sleep with her dancing inside my womb. I think I will always treasure this part of my pregnancy the most. I felt her growing strength each week which filed me with such great hopes and dreams for her.
On Wednesday, March 2nd Jason and I went to do our 20 week ultra sound. We decided to find out what we were having because I am too much of a planner not to know. I love to plan every detail of my life (yeah I know I have control issues). The whole pregnancy I just knew this baby was boy. I even had 3 dreams in which the baby was a boy so that must have been God telling me, right? We saw our baby kick, twist, and turn all around the inside of me. We saw four chambers of her heart moving beautifully. I fell in love with that baby right then, right there. We had the tech write down the gender of our baby so that we could open it at PF Changs later that night. I remember opening the envelope and being so shocked to see pink pen identifying that my child was a girl! Jason and I could barely speak because we both thought for sure this little Harris would be a boy. Jason said, "Now can I buy a shot gun?"
We went to Target and bought her first outfit. We wrapped it and took it over to my parents' house to tell them the news. My Dad thought that she was a girl but my Mom also knew she would be a boy (my Dad guessed me, my brother Adam, and sister Sara correctly, Mom only got Sara right so I should have known who to ask). My Mom was shocked to pull out bows and a pink outfit and my Dad just smiled.
The next three weeks passed uneventfully. I fell in love with my little girl a little more each day. Now that I knew she was a she I began to have the most beautiful dreams for her, of how our lives would be once she came. I bought her the most lovely dresses. I bought her bows to place in her blond hair (well it had to be blond because Jason and I both are, right?). I am close to my Mom so I prayed that Aleah and I would be close as well. I only had 6 more weeks of student teaching left so I began to really think and dream of what my life would be like in a few short months. I pictured us going to see Daddy at work for lunch, of going on walks with Desmond our dog, and spending our days together getting to know and love each other.
But on March 22nd, all those dreams came crashing down around me. The day started out just like any other Tuesday. I woke up at 6 and arrived at school around 6:50. That weekend I had made baby shower invitations and sent them with Jason to pass out to his co-workers. The day was just like any other school day, I taught and went to meetings. I came home around 3:30 and went to the bathroom. It was then that I knew something was wrong. I had felt something that did not feel right. I called my doctor and they decided that I should come in just to check it out. I told myself that everything would be fine and that I was just over reacting. I texted Jason to let him know I was going in to see the doctor. He works in the same complex that our doctors office was in so he decided to walk over and come to the appointment with me. We waited in the waiting room for 30 minutes and then went back to be seen by my doctor.
Everything felt normal. They weighed me, took my blood pressure, and even listened to Aleah's strong little heartbeat, just like they always did. When my doctor went to check my cervix my world came to a halt when I heard her say, "That's not good." My heart sunk and stopped. I could feel the adrenalin start coursing through my veins. My doctor is usually very calm and does not say things like "That's not good." She said, "I see membrane." I didn't know what that meant so I started asking lots of questions. At that point I was already 4cm dilated and she told me that she would call an ambulance to rush me to Poudre Valley Hospital (PVH). She also urged me not to move at all. It was then that I knew something was terribly wrong.
Jason and I were left in that small doctors office for what seemed like eternity, it was probably more like 15 minutes but when your world has just been turned upside down your perception of time is altered. I remember staring at the ceiling in unbelief. I was in my second trimester, everything was supposed to be ok! This was not supposed to happen to me! I remember looking over at Jason who was in shock and asking him to come beside me. He grabbed my hand and I tearfully said, "Promise me something. We are not going to be angry we are not going to bitter." And he nodded. I know that it was God moving on my heart to declare that right then right there because that set the tone for the rest of the journey through the fire.
I heard sirens coming from the street and then I realized, those are for me. The reality of my situation began to sink in, I was going to a hospital, something was wrong, my worst nightmare was coming true. The EMTs that came to put me in the ambulance were great. As I was being transported to the hospital, I remembered a dream I had the week before. In my dream I had gone to a doctor's appointment and at the appointment my doctor told me, "you are dilated and you are in labor". In the dream, I remember the date was April 22nd and I cried out to the doctor, "No she's not ready, she's not ready yet!" But the doctor looked at me and told me that I would be rushed to the hospital and that I would have to have the baby. I delivered the baby and they told me "it's a boy". I said, "No, I am having a girl, it can't be a boy!". But they handed me my baby and he was 7lbs. Then I woke up. The dream disturbed me and I did not know why, after all the baby in the dream was a boy not a girl so clearly my mind was just making things up. But as I was riding in that ambulance I remembered the dream and shook with fear. I told the EMT about the dream and I saw his eyes go wide. I do not know if the dream was from God warning me or if it was a coincidence but the dates are interesting to me. I started labor March 22nd, in the dream I started labor April 22nd. The first part of the dream was exactly what happened to me at the doctors office. I do not know if the second part of the dream means anything or if God is telling me that I will someday have a son, but I will always vividly remember that dream.
Once we arrived at the hospital, I met my first doctor. She told me that I would absolutely be going into labor that week and that they wanted to try to place an emergency cerclage. However, the only hospital that could do it was Presbyterian St. Lukes down in Denver. They would have to airlift me. My doctor told me that Aleah was not viable and so another option was to abort the pregnancy. As soon as she began saying this I started shaking my head no. The doctor reprimanded me and told me I needed to hear all my options. It was then that I decided I didn't like her, but it probably didn't help her cause that she had to be the first one to tell me that my baby girl would probably not survive. She told me even if the cerclage would be able to be placed, which would depend on several factors, the success rate was only 15%. The situation seemed to go from bad to worse with every word she uttered.
I started having back pain and the monitors they had on me could not determine whether I was having contractions or just aches. Looking back, I realize now that I had started labor. The doctor walked out of the room and my parents arrived. What happened next will always be one of my favorite and special memories of Aleah's birth. My parents and husband gathered around my hospital bed, joined hands and began to pray. The spirit of God was strong in that room and peace and grace began to fall like rain upon us all. I started to pray. I felt like I became a metal rod and the Holy Spirit was electricity because I could feel the current of the Spirit go through me as I prayed. It was one of the most intense encounters with God that I have ever experienced. The Spirit was giving me the words to say; I was just the mouth piece. I began to declare scripture and it flowed out of me like water. One scripture that God gave me through her birth was out of Psalms 34:1 that says, "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth." God was calling me to praise Him in the fire, knowing my child could die.
Jason was incredible. He was my rock. He was by my side every second, always holding my hand telling me how much he loved us, and asking if he could get me anything. He looked at me and at my swollen stomach and said, "Jess, we have to name her." At that point, I broke. I sobbed. Pain surged through me. We had decided that we would not name her until we saw her and so we had not picked out her name yet. We had ideas and names we liked but nothing was permanent. When he told me we had to name her, to me that meant that I had to deal with the reality that my little girl was coming into this world, like it or not. There was nothing that I would not have done to keep her inside of me. I pleaded, I begged, I cried for her to just stay put and for my body to stop betraying me by contracting. I looked at him and asked, "What do you want to name her?" and he responded, "You already know." We did not bother to confirm her name to each other because we knew. I looked at my parents and said, "Her name is Aleah."
Later I found out that earlier that morning before we knew anything was wrong, Jason had to change his password at work. He changed it to a derivative of Aleah. God named her. We did not know the meaning of her name when we named her, but God did. Aleah means "to ascend" it literally refers to the Jews returning to their homeland. When I found out the meaning of her name, God revealed to me that she was His all along. She was always destined to go be with Him. Heaven was her home.
That night my back labor began to progress. Jason stayed by my side, every moment. He slept on a terrible cot and held my hand. The nurses had a fetal heart monitor on my stomach and asked me if I wanted the sound to be turned down so I could sleep. I said no. I knew that it was probably the last time I would be able to hear my baby's beautiful heartbeat so I drank in every moment that I could. I fell asleep to my sweet Aleah's steady, strong heartbeat.
The next morning decisions had to be made. PVH did not care for infants above 28 weeks and Aleah was only 23 weeks. If I delivered her there, they would have done nothing to help her survive. The choice was clear. I needed to be airlifted to PSL. Jason left an hour before me so that he could be at the hospital when I arrived. Flight for life came in and wheeled me out to the helicopter. The helicopter was tiny and we all barely fit (me and the EMTS). All through the flight I fought for her in prayer. I begged God, I cursed the devil, and I cast out unbelief. I even started to rebuke my contractions. I fought for her.
I knew that God could perform a miracle. I asked for her. I begged for her. I knew and believed that my God was big enough to perform a variety of miracles. I knew He could stop the labor, I knew He could make my cervix close, I knew He could develop her lungs, I knew He could allow her to draw breath. I chose to believe.
Jason and I arrived in my hospital room at PSL at the exact same time which was such a blessing. A few minutes later we were taken into a room to do an ultra sound. The ultra sound showed that Aleah's feet were too far down in the birth canal for a cerclage to even be attempted. The best we could hope for was that the labor would stop. But even if the labor had stopped, she was in danger of dying inside me because of her position. She was breech.
Hope began to fade. I still believed but my dark night began to get darker. My contractions started picking up and becoming more intense so that I could no longer deny that I was in labor. By two in the afternoon my contractions were 2 minutes apart. They tried giving me Magnesium Sulfate to try to stop the contractions but they would not be stopped. The contractions hurt. I had all back labor so I was not even feeling any contractions on my stomach just in my lower back. I would not wish back labor on my worst enemy.
By four, I could take the pain no more and agreed to an epidural. I had always turned my nose up at epidurals. My Mom never had one, my sister in-law didn't have one, so why would I need one? Well, if you have ever had back labor, or if you ever do my advice to you is: get the epidural! I humbled myself and took the drugs. I am glad I did because at least some pain could be relieved. The emotional hurt and anguish continued to rage inside me with each passing minute.
By six in the evening, my doctor wanted to induce labor. The magnesium sulfate was not stopping the contractions, Aleah was coming. In that moment, I believe my heart completely broke. I felt like my daughter had been given a death sentence and I had to be apart of carrying it out. I had to force her into the world; I would deliver her to die. Jason held my hand with tears in his eyes. I cried out, "She's not ready!" And he nodded but we had to get her out.
The task before me was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. It was my darkest hour. I would be asked to bring a little girl into the world who was not ready, not physically prepared to even breathe. But God was there. He gave me the grace to do the unthinkable, He gave me the grace to give birth to the most precious thing in my life. I prayed that she would not suffer. I prayed that she would be able to be out as fast as possible. The doctors warned me that because she was breech her head could become stuck. I did NOT want that to happen. I wanted my baby to come into this world in peace and with joy.
God was faithful. At 7:52, I pushed twice and my little Aleah Grace came into this world. She was beautiful, she was whole, she was perfect. I did not know what she would look like at only 23 weeks. I wasn't sure if everything would be completely formed, so part of me was scared to look at her initially. But when I saw her I could not look away. I saw all 12 inches of her beautiful frame, and the phrase, "fearfully and wonderfully made" took on new meaning for me. She was tiny. She only weighed 1 pound and 2 ounces. When they placed her in my arms I felt like I was holding a feather. I literally held her in the palm of my hand. She was alive! My baby did not come out dead and gone forever, she was there with me. I saw her move four times and each time melted my heart. One of my favorite memories was placing my index finger in the palm of her hand. She had such perfect fingers and toes. In fact, she had Jason's toes. They are very distinct so there was no denying that she was his daughter. She even had his nose. She had my long fingers. And she had blond eyelashes; yes, she was ours.
As I held my baby girl, I thought, "God, you can still do this! You can still save her. Please let her heart keep beating. Let me take her home. Please let me keep her." I passed her to her father who held her with awe and wonder. This was the first time he had been able to really experience her. He had felt her kick a few times from inside the womb but when he was able to hold her and touch her, he was forever changed. Both sets of Grandparents and Aunt Becky were there to hold our little Aleah Grace. They marveled at her and how beautiful she was. They wondered at how someone so tiny could inspire such great love in all of us. That little girl taught everyone in that hospital room how to love. She was so small but she was so mighty! Isn't it like God to use someone so little and small to have such a big and powerful purpose.
When she came back into my arms, I began to rock her. I wanted to memorize every sweet feature on her little face. As we rocked, my Aleah went from my arms into the arms of Jesus. My baby died in my arms. She had stayed with us for a life-changing 59 minutes. Those were the shortest 59 minutes of my life but oh how special they were! Jason was able to speak a blessing over her. He told her how much he loved her and how special she was. That little girl was held her entire life, she was told countless times how much she was loved and how beautiful she was. She went into the arms of Jesus peacefully. She did not thrash, she did not gasp for breath. She went quietly and with grace.
After she went to heaven, Jason and I were left in the hospital room alone to be a family with our little girl for a little longer. After cuddling her and saying goodbye we gave her to the nurse and she was gone. In that moment God revealed to me His sacrifice. I said to Jason, "I now have a glimpse into Jesus' sacrifice on the cross." God had lost his firstborn, I had just lost mine. I have been a Christian all my life (I asked Jesus in my heart when I was 3) and sometimes the miracle of the cross has not been able to be as significant for me because I feel like it is a story I have heard one too many times. I know that what I just confessed sounds terrible but its the truth. Recognizing that I did not have the appreciation or understanding of the cross like I should, a few years before I ever became pregnant I talked to God about it. I asked Him to one day help me better understand the sacrifice of the cross; yes, I actually prayed that. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my past self and shove a hand over my mouth. But I know that even then God was preparing my heart. Before the beginning of time God knew that my Aleah Grace would be His, she was never mine. God allowed me to be her mother. What a great honor because she was a special little girl with a special purpose. I love my daughter with all my heart and now I know the cost of the sacrifice God gave to save us. There was no higher cost; God payed the ultimate when He watched His son die. I will never charge Him with unfaithfulness to me. Am I upset that He took my child? Sometimes I am. But I will still praise Him. I will still worship. Even in the fire I will proclaim His goodness. That is what I want this blog to be. I do not want it to be a whine session (although there may be some of that from time to time). I will declare God's goodness always.
When I was pregnant with Aleah, I prayed over her often. My prayer for her was that above all else she would love God more than anything. I prayed that she would serve and worship Him all the days of her life. And guess what my precious little girl doing right now? Well, she's experiencing perfect love. She is worshiping her creator and Father, she is serving His purpose by the testimony of her life. How could I ever say that God has been unfaithful to me? Would I like to have her back? YES! I would take her back in heartbeat, but I know that His plans are bigger than my plans. So everyday that I wake up, I have to make a choice. Will I be bitter and angry at what I do not have or will I surrender my daughter to her Father? She is waiting for me in heaven. I tell Jesus to give her a hug and kiss from me everyday. And when I get to heaven I will hug and hold her and never let her go.
I would like to take the opportunity to tell you a little bit about Aleah Grace and her story. My husband Jason and I were married on July 21, 2008. It was truly a magical and special day. I always smile when I remember my wedding day. I thought I was as in love with my husband as I would ever be on my wedding day. I was wrong :) We had been married for a little over 2 years when we decided it was time to try to start a family. From day 1 of our marriage, Jason and I had planned for and wanted children, and after two years of enjoying each other, we decided it was time.
I remember being so afraid that we would not be able to get pregnant or that it would take much longer than I wanted to wait (patience has always been a struggle for me and I thought that God might use my pregnancy as an opportunity to try to teach me some). However, we were pregnant quickly! My Grammie called my Mom four days before I found out that I was pregnant and asked, "Is Jessica pregnant?" My Mom laughed and said no. We laughed about it together when my Mom told me that Grammie had called. However, 4 days later I discovered that Grammie was right, I was pregnant.
I always thought that I would have some dramatic, special way to tell Jason that we were pregnant. Turns out it wasn't too glamorous but I smile every time I think about it. I had taken a pregnancy test on Monday and it came out negative so I was sure that I was not expecting. However, when my period did not come all week I became suspicious. On Saturday morning I could take the waiting no longer and I decided to take a pregnancy test. I fully expected it to be negative and became alarmed when the stick turned into a plus sign. So being in shock, at 6 in the morning on a Saturday I marched into our bedroom threw on the lights and announced, "Jason, we're pregnant." He mumbled and moaned a confused, "What?". I repeated the news again. He replied, "Are you serious?!?" I ran to him and we joyfully embraced the news that we were going to be a family.
As a little girl, I had always dreamed of the day I would get married and the day I would become a mommy. Even as I grew up, I knew that I wanted a husband and a family. I thought that pregnancy was going to be something similar to a Disney Princess movie. I thought that I would be glowing, radiant, and beautiful. I even thought perhaps little animals might come out to greet me each morning, and I would sing to them in perfect harmony. Well, I was surprised and disappointed to discover that I did not glow or feel radiant and my beauty was being replaced with pimples and frizzy hair.
My first trimester was a very challenging time for me. I was still a full-time student at UNC and had a part time job at the campus Coffee Cart. I felt like I experienced every pregnancy symptom in the book. I was so tired, my breasts were so sore, and I had a lot of cramping and pressure. This in particular caused me to be alarmed because thanks to google, I was sure that my pregnancy was going to end. For the next 8 weeks, I lived in fear. I remember checking sometimes hourly to see if I was bleeding. Jason could tell I was in misery because of the fear I carried around me like a weight. In addition to the constant fear, I also developed a constant state of nausea just in time for Thanksgiving! There was a period where I did not eat dinner for over a month. The combination of all these things caused me to be depressed about the pregnancy because it was not matching up with the Disney Princess version I had created in my head years earlier.
The fear and depression exhausted me emotionally. I tried to cry out to God but I felt like I just could not connect to Him. After weeks of trying to somehow keep my pregnancy going in my own power, God gently revealed to me how wrong I was. He asked me how I was liking taking all the responsibility of making the pregnancy work. He then asked me to give Him my baby, to surrender the control I wanted and give it all to Him. I remember journaling at about week 11 in my pregnancy about my fear. I finally agreed that I had to surrender all to Him. I had to give Him the life of my precious child and I finally had to face the worst case scenario, God could take my child. God asked me if I would trust Him even if that were to happen. I said I would. I wrote in my journal, "Even if my worst fears are confirmed, I know that God will give me the grace to get through it." I had no idea how prophetic those words would be.
Fear is not from God. But God used my fear and weakness to prepare me for what I would walk through 13 weeks later. He took me to a place of complete surrender. Having a child was the dream I held closest to my heart, something I wanted more than anything in the world. And I gave her to Him. Knowing He could take her away, but not believing He would.
Once I entered my second trimester, my earlier first trimester symptoms began to melt away as did my fear. I loved my second trimester. I began to show in my 12th week which I loved! I was so excited to look pregnant. I began to eat food again...and it tasted good! My little Aleah bug must have been a vegetarian because I still felt an aversion to meat. I loved shopping for maternity clothes. I started student teaching and felt my energy come back to me (thank goodness because my middle schooloers stole it right back).
Around week 16, I was riding in my parents' car with them when I felt a "poke". It was my baby girl. It felt like someone was poking me from the inside. I felt her poke me four more times that day and I giggled every time she did. I will always treasure and remember that moment. My little girl would go on for the next seven weeks of her life to wake me up each morning with her movements and lull me to the sleep with her dancing inside my womb. I think I will always treasure this part of my pregnancy the most. I felt her growing strength each week which filed me with such great hopes and dreams for her.
On Wednesday, March 2nd Jason and I went to do our 20 week ultra sound. We decided to find out what we were having because I am too much of a planner not to know. I love to plan every detail of my life (yeah I know I have control issues). The whole pregnancy I just knew this baby was boy. I even had 3 dreams in which the baby was a boy so that must have been God telling me, right? We saw our baby kick, twist, and turn all around the inside of me. We saw four chambers of her heart moving beautifully. I fell in love with that baby right then, right there. We had the tech write down the gender of our baby so that we could open it at PF Changs later that night. I remember opening the envelope and being so shocked to see pink pen identifying that my child was a girl! Jason and I could barely speak because we both thought for sure this little Harris would be a boy. Jason said, "Now can I buy a shot gun?"
We went to Target and bought her first outfit. We wrapped it and took it over to my parents' house to tell them the news. My Dad thought that she was a girl but my Mom also knew she would be a boy (my Dad guessed me, my brother Adam, and sister Sara correctly, Mom only got Sara right so I should have known who to ask). My Mom was shocked to pull out bows and a pink outfit and my Dad just smiled.
The next three weeks passed uneventfully. I fell in love with my little girl a little more each day. Now that I knew she was a she I began to have the most beautiful dreams for her, of how our lives would be once she came. I bought her the most lovely dresses. I bought her bows to place in her blond hair (well it had to be blond because Jason and I both are, right?). I am close to my Mom so I prayed that Aleah and I would be close as well. I only had 6 more weeks of student teaching left so I began to really think and dream of what my life would be like in a few short months. I pictured us going to see Daddy at work for lunch, of going on walks with Desmond our dog, and spending our days together getting to know and love each other.
But on March 22nd, all those dreams came crashing down around me. The day started out just like any other Tuesday. I woke up at 6 and arrived at school around 6:50. That weekend I had made baby shower invitations and sent them with Jason to pass out to his co-workers. The day was just like any other school day, I taught and went to meetings. I came home around 3:30 and went to the bathroom. It was then that I knew something was wrong. I had felt something that did not feel right. I called my doctor and they decided that I should come in just to check it out. I told myself that everything would be fine and that I was just over reacting. I texted Jason to let him know I was going in to see the doctor. He works in the same complex that our doctors office was in so he decided to walk over and come to the appointment with me. We waited in the waiting room for 30 minutes and then went back to be seen by my doctor.
Everything felt normal. They weighed me, took my blood pressure, and even listened to Aleah's strong little heartbeat, just like they always did. When my doctor went to check my cervix my world came to a halt when I heard her say, "That's not good." My heart sunk and stopped. I could feel the adrenalin start coursing through my veins. My doctor is usually very calm and does not say things like "That's not good." She said, "I see membrane." I didn't know what that meant so I started asking lots of questions. At that point I was already 4cm dilated and she told me that she would call an ambulance to rush me to Poudre Valley Hospital (PVH). She also urged me not to move at all. It was then that I knew something was terribly wrong.
Jason and I were left in that small doctors office for what seemed like eternity, it was probably more like 15 minutes but when your world has just been turned upside down your perception of time is altered. I remember staring at the ceiling in unbelief. I was in my second trimester, everything was supposed to be ok! This was not supposed to happen to me! I remember looking over at Jason who was in shock and asking him to come beside me. He grabbed my hand and I tearfully said, "Promise me something. We are not going to be angry we are not going to bitter." And he nodded. I know that it was God moving on my heart to declare that right then right there because that set the tone for the rest of the journey through the fire.
I heard sirens coming from the street and then I realized, those are for me. The reality of my situation began to sink in, I was going to a hospital, something was wrong, my worst nightmare was coming true. The EMTs that came to put me in the ambulance were great. As I was being transported to the hospital, I remembered a dream I had the week before. In my dream I had gone to a doctor's appointment and at the appointment my doctor told me, "you are dilated and you are in labor". In the dream, I remember the date was April 22nd and I cried out to the doctor, "No she's not ready, she's not ready yet!" But the doctor looked at me and told me that I would be rushed to the hospital and that I would have to have the baby. I delivered the baby and they told me "it's a boy". I said, "No, I am having a girl, it can't be a boy!". But they handed me my baby and he was 7lbs. Then I woke up. The dream disturbed me and I did not know why, after all the baby in the dream was a boy not a girl so clearly my mind was just making things up. But as I was riding in that ambulance I remembered the dream and shook with fear. I told the EMT about the dream and I saw his eyes go wide. I do not know if the dream was from God warning me or if it was a coincidence but the dates are interesting to me. I started labor March 22nd, in the dream I started labor April 22nd. The first part of the dream was exactly what happened to me at the doctors office. I do not know if the second part of the dream means anything or if God is telling me that I will someday have a son, but I will always vividly remember that dream.
Once we arrived at the hospital, I met my first doctor. She told me that I would absolutely be going into labor that week and that they wanted to try to place an emergency cerclage. However, the only hospital that could do it was Presbyterian St. Lukes down in Denver. They would have to airlift me. My doctor told me that Aleah was not viable and so another option was to abort the pregnancy. As soon as she began saying this I started shaking my head no. The doctor reprimanded me and told me I needed to hear all my options. It was then that I decided I didn't like her, but it probably didn't help her cause that she had to be the first one to tell me that my baby girl would probably not survive. She told me even if the cerclage would be able to be placed, which would depend on several factors, the success rate was only 15%. The situation seemed to go from bad to worse with every word she uttered.
I started having back pain and the monitors they had on me could not determine whether I was having contractions or just aches. Looking back, I realize now that I had started labor. The doctor walked out of the room and my parents arrived. What happened next will always be one of my favorite and special memories of Aleah's birth. My parents and husband gathered around my hospital bed, joined hands and began to pray. The spirit of God was strong in that room and peace and grace began to fall like rain upon us all. I started to pray. I felt like I became a metal rod and the Holy Spirit was electricity because I could feel the current of the Spirit go through me as I prayed. It was one of the most intense encounters with God that I have ever experienced. The Spirit was giving me the words to say; I was just the mouth piece. I began to declare scripture and it flowed out of me like water. One scripture that God gave me through her birth was out of Psalms 34:1 that says, "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth." God was calling me to praise Him in the fire, knowing my child could die.
Jason was incredible. He was my rock. He was by my side every second, always holding my hand telling me how much he loved us, and asking if he could get me anything. He looked at me and at my swollen stomach and said, "Jess, we have to name her." At that point, I broke. I sobbed. Pain surged through me. We had decided that we would not name her until we saw her and so we had not picked out her name yet. We had ideas and names we liked but nothing was permanent. When he told me we had to name her, to me that meant that I had to deal with the reality that my little girl was coming into this world, like it or not. There was nothing that I would not have done to keep her inside of me. I pleaded, I begged, I cried for her to just stay put and for my body to stop betraying me by contracting. I looked at him and asked, "What do you want to name her?" and he responded, "You already know." We did not bother to confirm her name to each other because we knew. I looked at my parents and said, "Her name is Aleah."
Later I found out that earlier that morning before we knew anything was wrong, Jason had to change his password at work. He changed it to a derivative of Aleah. God named her. We did not know the meaning of her name when we named her, but God did. Aleah means "to ascend" it literally refers to the Jews returning to their homeland. When I found out the meaning of her name, God revealed to me that she was His all along. She was always destined to go be with Him. Heaven was her home.
That night my back labor began to progress. Jason stayed by my side, every moment. He slept on a terrible cot and held my hand. The nurses had a fetal heart monitor on my stomach and asked me if I wanted the sound to be turned down so I could sleep. I said no. I knew that it was probably the last time I would be able to hear my baby's beautiful heartbeat so I drank in every moment that I could. I fell asleep to my sweet Aleah's steady, strong heartbeat.
The next morning decisions had to be made. PVH did not care for infants above 28 weeks and Aleah was only 23 weeks. If I delivered her there, they would have done nothing to help her survive. The choice was clear. I needed to be airlifted to PSL. Jason left an hour before me so that he could be at the hospital when I arrived. Flight for life came in and wheeled me out to the helicopter. The helicopter was tiny and we all barely fit (me and the EMTS). All through the flight I fought for her in prayer. I begged God, I cursed the devil, and I cast out unbelief. I even started to rebuke my contractions. I fought for her.
I knew that God could perform a miracle. I asked for her. I begged for her. I knew and believed that my God was big enough to perform a variety of miracles. I knew He could stop the labor, I knew He could make my cervix close, I knew He could develop her lungs, I knew He could allow her to draw breath. I chose to believe.
Jason and I arrived in my hospital room at PSL at the exact same time which was such a blessing. A few minutes later we were taken into a room to do an ultra sound. The ultra sound showed that Aleah's feet were too far down in the birth canal for a cerclage to even be attempted. The best we could hope for was that the labor would stop. But even if the labor had stopped, she was in danger of dying inside me because of her position. She was breech.
Hope began to fade. I still believed but my dark night began to get darker. My contractions started picking up and becoming more intense so that I could no longer deny that I was in labor. By two in the afternoon my contractions were 2 minutes apart. They tried giving me Magnesium Sulfate to try to stop the contractions but they would not be stopped. The contractions hurt. I had all back labor so I was not even feeling any contractions on my stomach just in my lower back. I would not wish back labor on my worst enemy.
By four, I could take the pain no more and agreed to an epidural. I had always turned my nose up at epidurals. My Mom never had one, my sister in-law didn't have one, so why would I need one? Well, if you have ever had back labor, or if you ever do my advice to you is: get the epidural! I humbled myself and took the drugs. I am glad I did because at least some pain could be relieved. The emotional hurt and anguish continued to rage inside me with each passing minute.
By six in the evening, my doctor wanted to induce labor. The magnesium sulfate was not stopping the contractions, Aleah was coming. In that moment, I believe my heart completely broke. I felt like my daughter had been given a death sentence and I had to be apart of carrying it out. I had to force her into the world; I would deliver her to die. Jason held my hand with tears in his eyes. I cried out, "She's not ready!" And he nodded but we had to get her out.
The task before me was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. It was my darkest hour. I would be asked to bring a little girl into the world who was not ready, not physically prepared to even breathe. But God was there. He gave me the grace to do the unthinkable, He gave me the grace to give birth to the most precious thing in my life. I prayed that she would not suffer. I prayed that she would be able to be out as fast as possible. The doctors warned me that because she was breech her head could become stuck. I did NOT want that to happen. I wanted my baby to come into this world in peace and with joy.
God was faithful. At 7:52, I pushed twice and my little Aleah Grace came into this world. She was beautiful, she was whole, she was perfect. I did not know what she would look like at only 23 weeks. I wasn't sure if everything would be completely formed, so part of me was scared to look at her initially. But when I saw her I could not look away. I saw all 12 inches of her beautiful frame, and the phrase, "fearfully and wonderfully made" took on new meaning for me. She was tiny. She only weighed 1 pound and 2 ounces. When they placed her in my arms I felt like I was holding a feather. I literally held her in the palm of my hand. She was alive! My baby did not come out dead and gone forever, she was there with me. I saw her move four times and each time melted my heart. One of my favorite memories was placing my index finger in the palm of her hand. She had such perfect fingers and toes. In fact, she had Jason's toes. They are very distinct so there was no denying that she was his daughter. She even had his nose. She had my long fingers. And she had blond eyelashes; yes, she was ours.
As I held my baby girl, I thought, "God, you can still do this! You can still save her. Please let her heart keep beating. Let me take her home. Please let me keep her." I passed her to her father who held her with awe and wonder. This was the first time he had been able to really experience her. He had felt her kick a few times from inside the womb but when he was able to hold her and touch her, he was forever changed. Both sets of Grandparents and Aunt Becky were there to hold our little Aleah Grace. They marveled at her and how beautiful she was. They wondered at how someone so tiny could inspire such great love in all of us. That little girl taught everyone in that hospital room how to love. She was so small but she was so mighty! Isn't it like God to use someone so little and small to have such a big and powerful purpose.
When she came back into my arms, I began to rock her. I wanted to memorize every sweet feature on her little face. As we rocked, my Aleah went from my arms into the arms of Jesus. My baby died in my arms. She had stayed with us for a life-changing 59 minutes. Those were the shortest 59 minutes of my life but oh how special they were! Jason was able to speak a blessing over her. He told her how much he loved her and how special she was. That little girl was held her entire life, she was told countless times how much she was loved and how beautiful she was. She went into the arms of Jesus peacefully. She did not thrash, she did not gasp for breath. She went quietly and with grace.
After she went to heaven, Jason and I were left in the hospital room alone to be a family with our little girl for a little longer. After cuddling her and saying goodbye we gave her to the nurse and she was gone. In that moment God revealed to me His sacrifice. I said to Jason, "I now have a glimpse into Jesus' sacrifice on the cross." God had lost his firstborn, I had just lost mine. I have been a Christian all my life (I asked Jesus in my heart when I was 3) and sometimes the miracle of the cross has not been able to be as significant for me because I feel like it is a story I have heard one too many times. I know that what I just confessed sounds terrible but its the truth. Recognizing that I did not have the appreciation or understanding of the cross like I should, a few years before I ever became pregnant I talked to God about it. I asked Him to one day help me better understand the sacrifice of the cross; yes, I actually prayed that. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my past self and shove a hand over my mouth. But I know that even then God was preparing my heart. Before the beginning of time God knew that my Aleah Grace would be His, she was never mine. God allowed me to be her mother. What a great honor because she was a special little girl with a special purpose. I love my daughter with all my heart and now I know the cost of the sacrifice God gave to save us. There was no higher cost; God payed the ultimate when He watched His son die. I will never charge Him with unfaithfulness to me. Am I upset that He took my child? Sometimes I am. But I will still praise Him. I will still worship. Even in the fire I will proclaim His goodness. That is what I want this blog to be. I do not want it to be a whine session (although there may be some of that from time to time). I will declare God's goodness always.
When I was pregnant with Aleah, I prayed over her often. My prayer for her was that above all else she would love God more than anything. I prayed that she would serve and worship Him all the days of her life. And guess what my precious little girl doing right now? Well, she's experiencing perfect love. She is worshiping her creator and Father, she is serving His purpose by the testimony of her life. How could I ever say that God has been unfaithful to me? Would I like to have her back? YES! I would take her back in heartbeat, but I know that His plans are bigger than my plans. So everyday that I wake up, I have to make a choice. Will I be bitter and angry at what I do not have or will I surrender my daughter to her Father? She is waiting for me in heaven. I tell Jesus to give her a hug and kiss from me everyday. And when I get to heaven I will hug and hold her and never let her go.
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