The Promise

I think when I look back on this season of my life I will remember it as the season of  patience and perseverance. I am trying to learn these lessons well. I do not want to repeat this course. But something tells me that patience and perseverance are the fertile ground where faith grows, the kind of faith that moves mountains and that is not swayed or uprooted. And the only reason I keep placing one foot in front of the other and keep fighting to stand firm is because of the promise.

Our God is a God of promises. He is a covenant God. For as long as we have known Him, He seeks to bind us to Him through covenants and promises. In the garden, Adam and God made an agreement that as long as Adam and Eve did not eat of the tree of good and evil, everything else was accessible to them. God promised that they would surely die if they ate of the forbidden fruit. Sure enough, they broke the promise they made with God that they would stay away from the fruit and this world became the broken place of death that God promised.

The next big promise and covenant that comes to mind is God and Abraham. In Genesis 17, this is what God says to Abraham, "As for me, this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations. ⁵ No longer will you be called Abram^[b]; your name will be Abraham,^[c] for I have made you a father of many nations. ⁶ I will make you very fruitful; I will make nations of you, and kings will come from you. ⁷ I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you. ⁸ The whole land of Canaan, where you now reside as a foreigner, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God." I love that God changes Abraham's name. He does the same thing with Sarah, Abraham's wife. When God changed their names, He changed the purpose and calling of their lives. He does the same thing with us. When we accept His atonement and salvation, He changes our name. We are called sons and daughters.

The meanings of names have always been very important to me. When we were thinking about baby names, for weeks I poured over names and their meanings. I liked several names but could not be satisfied with many of them because of their meanings. For example, I loved the name Leah but could not be satisfied with it because it means "weary, to tire".

God named my baby. I think I have written before about how God revealed her name to us but in case you missed it or have forgotten let me tell you. The day I started going into labor, before we knew anything was wrong, Jason changed his password at work to Aleah. At the hospital, when Jason told me that we needed to name her, I knew her name immediately and I told my Mom her name without even confirming with Jason. I did not know the meaning, all I knew was that it was her name just like you know the sky is blue.

God also gave me her middle name. I was being airlifted to PSL and the contractions were becoming stronger and stronger. All I could picture was Jesus and the disciples in the boat during the storm. I pictured the contractions as waves hitting the boat and I commanded them to be still in the name of Jesus. I prayed as fiercely and with as much faith as I possessed because I knew her life depended on it. After about 20 minutes of rebuking the contractions, I became quiet and searched for the voice of my savior in my storm. He told me that I needed a middle name for her. I asked Him, "Lord, please, can it be Aleah Joy?" And He replied, "No child. Name her Aleah Grace because you will be given grace." I felt my heart sink at those words. I didn't want grace, I wanted joy. And I knew that grace would mean accepting the result I fought so hard to avoid.

But her name testifies that my God is the same God that made covenant with Abraham. Her name means "ascending". This was the calling of God on her life. She was surrounded by the will of God and fulfilled her calling fully. Isn't that what we all strive for? We want to be everything our Creator has created us to be.

I am reminded of another child who was born to die. His death brought life and covenant. Her death reminds me of His death and helps me understand the Father's love even more. Jesus was a picture of the Kingdom and pointed to the Father. And Aleah reminds me daily of the Kingdom that awaits me and the Father that gave her to me for such a time as this; so that I would know Him and love Him more than this fallen world that I loved above Him. The Father's love is so perfect and full. I know I have only experienced a tiny fraction of His love but it keeps me coming back for more. I have heard the Lord tell me that He is, "blowing on the coals of my heart. With each breath, with each word, the coals of my love are stoked and get hotter and hotter." That is what He does. He brings life from death and beauty from ashes. He has fostered love in me that I never though possible.

I still struggle. There are times that I miss her so much that I just want to die. Sometimes it takes all my concentration to keep breathing through moments where there is a knife in my heart and pain pulses through me. Every month, I am confronted with circumstances that tell me my body is not functioning the way it should and that life will not come from me again. I have so wanted a promise from God that I will have more children. I cannot tell you how much I have wanted to hear those words from Him. But I never have. I know He is the giver of life and that He is more than able to give me another child. But I don't always understand His ways or why He gives some people children while others who want children desperately do not conceive them. I don't have any answers. I don't think anyone does.

But because I know His love, I know that my hope is secure in Him. I know I have found the One that my soul loves above anything or anyone. I know that His thoughts toward me are good. That He knows my hurts and my desires. And He made me a promise.

I love secret passages, like the kind that are in castles and fancy houses that take you to a hidden room (I'll connect this I swear). There is something so amazing about things being more complex than they seem. And I love it when God gives me a word and just when I think I fully understand Him, He blows my mind by showing me a deeper, hidden meaning. I think this is why the angels who surround Him and bow down before Him are continually amazed by Him. Because just when you think you are starting to understand Him, He goes and blows your mind all over again.

When we came home from the hospital, broken and fresh in our grief, we looked up what our daughter's name meant. It means, "ascending". How perfect. To me this was God's official stamp of approval on the whole situation.  Her name was Him letting me know that He was not surprised or shocked by what had occurred but that He Himself had sanctioned it. But there is even deeper meaning in her name.

Aliyah is a Jewish term, of which her name is a derivative, and refers to when God will bring all the Jews back together to their homeland. It is God's promise to reunite a people that were torn apart in this life. The scattering began when Babylon enslaved the Jews. We see this in the Bible when Daniel and the three who were thrown into the furnace were taken from their homes. The Jewish home is the same promise land that God promised Abraham and his decedents.

Though the blood that runs through my veins is not biologically of Jewish heritage, Jesus promises all who believe in Him that we have been "grafted in". That we share in the promise because we have believed the Son of God. So the fact that God named her Aleah, is such a direct and personal promise to me. That my family will be reunited one day in the promise land. That every time Satan has told me that heaven is not real or that Aleah may not be there waiting for me for one reason or another, has been declared a lie by my Father. He has promised that my family will be made whole again. We will inherit the promise land. Every time I think or speak her name, I am speaking the promise of my beautiful Jesus.

Pass the Potatoe Chips

My brother Adam and I were driving in the car about a month ago and we were talking about the anointing of God. I have always craved the anointing, even as a little girl. I remember lying on my bed when I was 6 or 7 and pouring my little child heart out to Jesus begging Him to give me a life of destiny and purpose. For as long as I can remember, I have craved the deep things in life. I have desired richness and purpose.

My favorite Bible story was and is Joseph. I love stories that begin with tragedy but end in triumph and victory. Right now I feel like Joseph. I feel like I have escaped the pit only to end up in prison. But I get to cheat. Jesus already has told me how this story ends and it ends with me receiving an inheritance beyond anything I could have planned for myself. It ends with me finally gazing on the One that my soul loves. It ends with my holding the one that my heart broke for, and kissing her sweet cheeks and gazing into the eyes that I have never seen open. It ends with the One who died to give me life wiping away every tear.

I have to be honest, which I always try to be when writing and sharing my heart, these past few months have been a battle that I did not anticipate. I did not anticipate the feelings of despair or discouragement. I knew I would be attacked by my enemy but I underestimated how ruthless and cruel he would be. The Bible does not lie when it says he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Expect no less than pure evil from him. I know a lot of you may be sitting there thinking "Duh, its Satan". But I know for me, much of my Christian life I have underestimated his desire to destroy me. I more just pictured him as disliking me. Wrong. He hates me with everything in his being. He despises every fiber of my being;  in case you were wondering, he hates you that much too. And as I draw closer and closer to my Father, the snake tries harder and harder to destroy me. I feel like I have a bright red target on my back.

But praise Jesus, He has never left me. There have been days where I have not wanted to go another step but He keeps me going. There have been many moments where I can almost physically feel Him with me. These moments often feel like an embrace from heaven. They only last a few seconds but their memory stays with me. The night we returned from the hospital, I was lying up in my room alone. Jason had gone to get my cell phone charger over at my parents house. Up until that point, God had never given me visions of anything. But as a lay there on my bed, trying to know how to respond to feeling completely and utterly broken I saw Jesus. I did not see His face, but I saw Him. He came into my room, walked over to the side of the bed where I was lying and caressed the side of my cheek. Then He was gone. It is moments like those that I hold onto. They are what keep me putting one foot in front of the other. His grace is sufficient.

Ok but back to the anointing thing. When I was in high school, my walk with God became complacent and when God put Jason in my life, my whole focus was to make a picture perfect family with him. Nothing else mattered to me more than that. But the moment I knew that we would have to give Aleah back to her creator, the bottom fell out of my perfect life. After a few weeks of not speaking to God, I finally broke down and prayed, "Ok God. You just shot my perfect little life plan to hell, so You better use me. There is no way that I am going through all this pain for nothing. I'm Yours. This world has nothing for me." And ever since then, I have begun to hear His voice like never before. My love for Him has grown beyond anything I could have imagined, and I know that it will only increase. The more of Him I experience, the hungrier I am.

I know God has placed an anointing on my life. I believe I am anointed to testify and demonstrate the goodness and faithfulness of my God. But I never ever want to walk in pride. I have heard many people acknowledge how this blog has blessed them and I thank God for that. But it is ALL Him. Lord, all glory and honor to You. Because You KNOW this was not my plan. I would not have written my story this way. But God You are too good to let me wallow in my own shallow dreams and plans. You stoop down to make Me great because of Your goodness and faithfulness.

One word God spoke to my heart this last week was about Aleah. I was thinking about her heartbeat and how strong it was. We had a heart rate monitor on her the whole time and her heartbeat stayed at 150 and never wavered. She was a strong little girl. And I heard God whisper to me, "The second her heart stopped beating for you, it started beating for Me." Oh Lord how good You are. I share these things with you because I hope that you will see the love of our Father and how He delights in His children.

So back to the car with my brother. We were also talking about how we have seen some people who are very anointed by God, take that anointing and glorify themselves. Lord I repent of any time I have done this, forgive me. Never, never do I want to take what belongs to Him. Adam said he heard one of the pastors at our church talk about when Christians take glory for what God has given them through the anointing. Adam said, "Its like being at a party and you are given a bag of potato chips to take from and pass along. You did not manufacture the potato chips, you did not make them. You have received them and benefited from them and now you need to pass them to the next person. Why would you expect the person you are passing the chips to, to thank you like you made the chips?" It is such a simple picture but an accurate one. So this is me passing the potato chips. They are some good potato chips not because I am such a good passer but because He is such a masterful creator.

At the Feet of Jesus

As a little girl, one of my most favorite thing to do was to lay on the rug right outside my parent's shower. Early in the morning, I would hear the shower water come rushing out of the shower head. At the sound, I would quickly grab my pillow and my blanket and I would run to the bathroom. I adored the sound of the water's symphony of sound and the warmth of the steam that rose and enveloped me in a blanket of misty warmth. And I would smile with a feeling of glee, knowing that my Mother would soon find me lying at her feet. Sure enough, she would pull back the shower curtain to find her four year old at her feet smiling up at her as she tried to exit the shower. She would say, "Jessica Lee, what are you doing?" And I would just giggle, knowing that I had "surprised" my Mother. As an adult, I am sure that part of my Mother just wanted to have a shower alone because she would be with me and my brother all day long. But she always welcomed me with love. My four year old self knew she would not turn me away and tell me to leave. She would welcome my presence with her love.

This is the kind of courage and faith my Father wants from me. He wants me to approach Him with the knowledge and understanding that I will not be turned away. That I am not an inconvenience to Him. His banner over me is love. He wants me to run into His presence everyday like I would run when I heard the shower. I did not see my Mother but I KNEW she was in the shower. I knew that she loved me and would not turn me away. I have been learning to rest and wait on the Lord. The rest should not be full of anxiety and worry, but instead should consist of a stubborn belief that He will come, I just don't know when. I knew she would eventually get out of the shower and discover me, I just didn't know when. Anticipation increased my desire to see her. I believe God does the same with us. He wants us to wait for Him and grow in love and longing to be face to face with Him.

I have been continually amazed how my love for Him has grown. This is not to say that it was been a steady incline. In fact, there has been many many valleys, storms, and dark nights. And I know there will be more. But I am ascending. I am growing closer and closer to His heart. I have seen the beauty of the Lord and tasted His goodness so that I can never walk away. My heart longs for the day of His return. The day where I will see Him with my eyes for the first time. Where I will see the wounds that purchased me for Heaven's Kingdom. I feel like I am finally walking the path He has called me to. It isn't an easy path because He loves me too much to give that. He has chosen to develop me, to make me beautiful the way that sunshine and clear skies never could. It will be thunderclouds and rain for me. But it will nourish me and make me grow. And so as MercyMe has sang, I will say, "If that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain."

If you are in rain, do not despair. His love for you is bringing the wet rain to your dry soul. Accept the wet, messy, blessings. I have learned that blessings and pleasure are not at all the same thing. Blessings often hurt, are uncomfortable, and bring change. Pleasure is soft, sweet, and unchanging. I know someday I will experience the pleasures of Heaven and maybe even pleasures in this life, but blessings will transform me. The harder it rains, the more puddles there will be. And when I look at the puddles that the rains have brought to my life, I hope to see the reflection of Christ staring back at me.

Hell in the Hallway

Have you ever heard the saying, "When God closes one door He opens another"? While this is true nobody ever talks about the hallway that must be passed through to get to that next door. And I am in that hallway. And it feels like hell in this hallway. So much has happened that I have been having trouble processing it all. Fair warning: this post might be a jumbled mess...well because I feel like a jumbled mess right now and please stick with me until the end. In these posts, I always seek to be honest about what I am going through. And you all know that I am a God-praiser, but the praising comes at the end of this one so stay with me.

Grief amazes me. Pain is humbling. It ever reminds me of my weakness and need for someone stronger and bigger than I am because without Him I am a scared little girl in the corner. Just when I feel like life is starting to even out, grief hits me right in the face and reminds me of what I have lost, of who I have lost. And then I feel like a terrible mother for momentarily forgetting her, for forgetting my pregnancy, for forgetting that right now I would be holding a two-month old in my arms.

Jason and I are enjoying each other. We are enjoying being a couple and the freedom we have. We speak of her often, in casual ways. We include her memory in our love for each other. For instance, Jason likes to hike and every time he ascends a mountain, at the top, he takes a picture of himself holding a picture of Aleah. While this is so endearing, the horror of it hits me. We have a dead child. A child we will never know in this life. We will never see her graduate, watch her find the love of her life, or hold her babies in our arms. This is my life.

I went to go see my doctor because I have been having trouble with my cycles. They have not been regular at all. My doctor thinks that not only am I irregular but that I have developed a condition that causes me not to ovulate at all. Meaning that my doctor is predicting that it could be very difficult for us to get pregnant again. And at the last appointment they did an ultra sound. The findings showed some cells that were concerning to my doctor. So I got to be told that at 23 years old, not only have I lost my first child to a very rare condition and that I may have developed a condition that will make it difficult to become pregnant, but that I also might possibly have cancer. Seriously?

This is the point where I feel like breaking. Where I feel like asking God to make my heart stop beating because it hurts so bad. Where I tell Him, "I just want to go home!" But obviously He did not grant my request. I am still here. And I will STILL PRAISE.

God started to show me that it is at this point when my praise in the most beautiful. It is this point that I can claim legitimate faith and trust. Because nothing looks like it will be alright. Nothing has been easy. But I will bring praise anyway. How could I ever show more love or devotion to my King than to love Him when every thing seems to go against me? This is true worship. I still believe Him when He says He makes all things work together for my good. I trust that He has good plans for me. I know that He has purchased eternal life for my family because we have believed Him; that this life will not compare to what is coming.

Ever notice that people who have the strongest testimonies do not have easy lives? I am beginning to. If you are experiencing circumstances and problems that make you feel like you will be swallowed whole, take heart and know that if you allow Him, He will draw you closer to Himself and transform you into beauty. And we as women know, that beauty often involves pain (high heels are a perfect example- they make your legs looks so good but they hurts so much! super spiritual, I know). But this pain leads to transformation. He does not waste pain. Every single trial I have walked through has been used to make me stronger, to mature me, to bring beauty to ashes. So again and again and again until eternity, I will bring praise. I will declare His goodness because my circumstances do not define Him. He is bigger. He is stronger. He reigns. You know what's awesome? Even in this incredibly difficult and painful season, His goodness is here. So if He is good in my hallway of hell, He can be good anywhere!

He has saved my family from mediocrity. There is no possible way I can stay there. It is either bitterness or praise. I choose praise. I choose to bless the Lord because He is good. Even if we are never given more children, He will still be good and deserve all my worship and praise. And I will give it. I give it now.

P.S.
I got the result back from the biopsy and there is no cancer- praise You Lord.

Cooper James

My best friend Stevie delivered her beautiful baby boy on August 16th at 11:00 in the morning. He is beautiful and perfect. And it was a moment I had been anticipating for months. If you have the time, please let me show you the beauty of this friendship and how God has interwoven our lives together to create something to give thanksgiving and praise for.

Stevie and her twin sister Alex and I went to school together when we were in first grade. But after second grade, I went to several other different schools. But our sophomore year of high school we were  reunited. They and a group of friends all had decided to move with Mrs. Radford to RCS to finish school. I was planning on going to Poudre High School, but God told me that I was supposed to go to RCS. I call this my "Jonah" phase. Because I did NOT want to be there. And I let people know it too. I was probably one of the most unapproachable students because I was angry at God for ruining my plans (see I have planning issues). To top it off, my Mom was the athletic director and convinced me to go out for volleyball.

If you have never played volleyball before, let me tell you, it is not a sport that you can easily pick up. It is a sport that requires repetition in order to master its skills. I had never played the sport in my life and everyone in my class had been playing since they were knee high. They all made varsity. I made Junior Varsity....only because we did not have a C team because if we had, I'm pretty sure I would have been on it. And being apart of the volleyball team meant that every August, Mrs. Radford would take us on a team trip to Texas. There we would stay at her friend's lake house and play several games against local teams. This would have been a blast if 1) I had not been determined to be miserable and make everyone else around me feel my misery 2) I had been able to decently play the sport of volleyball.

Alex and Stevie both made varsity. And not only did they make varsity, but they were starters. Stevie was our setter and Alex one of our outside hitters. And Alex got the delightful task of "befriending me". She would talk to me, ask me how I was doing, and be kind to me when I was making it difficult. I will never forget her generosity. And gradually a friendship began to grow between the twins and myself.

Our junior year, Stevie and I bonded over the fact that both of us had "serious" boyfriends. And the fact that, she, Alex, and I were rejected by most of our classmates. Why? Well, I don't think I'll ever completely understand, but that's a very long story for another day. But we learned to survive by clinging to each other. She, Elliot (her now husband), Jason and I went to homecomings and proms together. She was the first friend I told that I was going to marry Jason after only dating him for 2 months.

Our senior year, miracles of all miracles (it seriously is) I made varsity. In fact, I was a starter. I know Jesus did this. Talk about redemption. I was by no means the "star" player. But I held my own. I will always treasure playing volleyball with my twin friends. We even got to go to state. And when graduation day came, no one was happier than the three of us. We had survived. And we did it together.

I went to UNC for college and Stevie went to Arizona and Alex traveled the globe with YWAM. But I remember calling Stevie sometime in March, telling her "I'm engaged!". And she replied, "We are getting engaged soon too!". We got married three days apart. She postponed her honeymoon so that she could attend my wedding, and I spend the week up until my wedding helping her prepare and decorate for hers.

And she was the first friend who I told, "We're pregnant!" And then two weeks later, I get a call. She tells me, "We're pregnant too!". And I replied, "Of course you are. Because we do everything together. So if I'm pregnant you have to be too."

During our pregnancies, we shared everything. We would have lunch every Tuesday. We would text each other how we were feeling or ask each other questions like "Do you think this is normal...?" We tried to determine what sex our babies were. Stevie was convinced she was having a girl. I was convinced I was having a boy. Ha! Our due dates were only a few weeks apart. We planned our baby showers two weeks apart. We rejoiced with each other and celebrated that our babies would be friends and playmates.

Then on March 22nd Stevie came to my hospital room at PVH, where she works. She was on shift that night. She came in with a brave face but I could see the fear and tears in her eyes. As I lay in the bed, still pregnant with my child, and she, with her growing child, grabbed my hand and prayed with me. She begged Him to let me keep my child, to spare me the hurt I would soon endure. And at that moment, an indescribable bond was forged between us.

When I got home from PSL after we lost Aleah, I wanted to see Stevie. I remember her coming and having the most amazing, God exulting, conversation with her. And then I remember asking her if I could touch her stomach. And she nodded. And I reached out and put my hand on her growing belly and thanked God for Cooper. In that moment, I knew I would love him. I would rejoice over him. I would see him as a symbol of God's goodness.

And so our friendship continued and grew. She has cried countless tears with me. She has listened to me for hours on end and has been nothing but supportive. She has spent countless hours on her knees for me. She has stood with me and by me through what should be the happiest time of her life. But she has decided to share my grief. To walk where I have walked, to feel what I feel. And I am so utterly grateful to her.

She went with me to pick out Aleah's headstone. And as I bawled in the car on the way home, she grabbed my hand and mirrored my grief by crying along with me. And I have sat in her living room, with her a week past her due date and laughed with her as we watch Cooper move and outgrow the space inside her. We have danced the sacred dance of sorrow and joy together. We have mirrored each other. She has known depth by sharing my sorrow and I have known fulness by sharing in her joy.

Cooper was so happy inside her that after two full weeks past her due date, they had to evict him by inducing labor. I was at work as she was in labor with him. I was receiving text message updates from Alex, God bless her. I was praying and rejoicing. I felt like I was there in spirit. And after a hard and difficult delivery, Stevie allowed me and Jason to come see Cooper.

When he was placed in my arms, I bawled. But they were tears of appreciation and joy. Of thankfulness that this little one was here and alive. Feeling the sensation of air going in and out of his lungs was so beautiful, something I never felt my child do. And of course, she cried with me. And I rejoiced with her. I wish I had words to adequately describe the beauty of that moment. Of seeing the evidence that our God brings both sunshine and rain; together they reveal indescribable beauty.

Because He's Good Like That

This morning I was in the shower. I don't know about you but I do a lot of thinking in the shower. God and I have a lot of conversations in there. There have been many times when my grief finds me there and I have no choice but to sit on the shower floor and let the water and tears wash over me. It is a place where I am naked before God, figuratively and literally (sorry if that's an over share but we all take showers right?). It is a place of vulnerability. There is nothing that can be hidden.

Today God and I were talking. And for the first time, I felt an urge to tell Him about my dreams for Aleah. This seemed somewhat odd to me because He has been teaching me how to lay down my dreams and my own will. But I reverently felt that I would be permitted to ask if I could share the dreams with Him. And He said, "Yes, tell me about them." So I started telling Him about the outfits I bought and which outfit I picked for her to be dedicated in. I told Him about all the times she would lay on my chest and fall asleep and how I would thank Him for those precious moments. I told Him how we would do everything together. And how we would spend the morning getting to know each other and giggling together. How I would try to make her smile. And how I would kiss every inch of her little body. I told Him all of it. And He listened to me with a quiet, loving patience.

And then He asked me, "Jessica, what dream did you want most for her?" And I smiled as I answered, "I wanted her to know You. And I wanted her to love You the most." I am so convinced that the Holy Spirit helps us pray. I know that weeks before Aleah would be called into Jesus' arms, I felt pressed to pray that over her. He was preparing my heart to accept her destiny and calling. I even got to be apart of her calling. The fact that I asked that of my Lord and that He faithfully saw it to fruition has brought me so much peace and joy. And I know that with my next child, He will again teach me how to pray. Because He's good like that.

Speaking of the next child, please pray for us. We feel that God has said that it is time to start trying again. So we are trying. Please pray over our minds. For me that is what is attacked most. We are praying that we will not place expectations on God, but that we would trust Him fully. We know He knows the exact moment our next child is supposed to be conceived. His timing is perfect. The waiting game is the hardest. If you have ever tried to conceive you know how hard the whole month can be wondering if it has happened. But we will trust in our mighty God. We will believe that He has good thoughts towards us. That He has a future. That He is and will continue to redeem.

Excruciatingly Beautiful

I love this title. I cannot take credit for it though. Pastor Jonathan Wiggins (Rez's pastor) was talking to my Mom because she works in the Middle School office at RCS and checking up on her and how our family was doing. She gave him the run-down and told him how amazing his message had been a few weeks prior. On my due date, Saturday 16th, the message he preached was titled...are you ready for this...."Blessed are those who Mourn". Wow! I don't think I've ever had a sermon that ministered to me so directly. But in my Mom telling him some of the things that my husband and I have said and believed, Pastor Jonathan said that two words came to his mind. You guessed it...excruciatingly beautiful.

I couldn't agree more with him. Her life and death have been those two words. God is crazy! How could such a terrible loss end in beauty? Well I don't know but it is and will continue to become more beautiful. I continue to stand back and be utterly amazed by my God. I will never serve another. He has drawn me so close to His heart and taught me so many things. How could I ever trade my love for Him for anything lesser? I am totally ruined for this world. He planned that, you know. He knew the one thing that would break me of myself and the love of this world. So He took her. And we miss her. And we cry for her. But we rejoice for her. We give thanks for her. Because her little life has made tsunami waves in ours and all those around us. Glory pours out of her story. And it's all for Him. All of it.

I feel so privileged that God chose Jason and I to be her parents. That I had the high calling of carrying her in my womb for 6 beautiful months. That I am now entrusted to be her voice and tell her story. Whenever people ask me how I am doing or whenever I get to introduce them to my daughter, I love it. Because I get to tell them about the goodness of my God. He told me from the beginning that whenever I talked about her I had to talk about Him. And when I am talking about her, He bubbles up on the inside of me, waiting for me praise Him with my lips, so that He can again and again be glorified. It is powerful stuff.

No matter what you are going through or wherever you are with your walk with Jesus, know that He goes before you. He prepares the way. I am seeing this as I look back on what has happened. And I stand amazed and humbled. He has never left me, not once. In fact, He is good enough to prepare my way. When I was 14 years old, I went to a junior high camp. It was a great camp. God showed up. The very last night, the room was absolutely filled with the glory of God. I have never experienced anything like it. But after the guest speaker gave his message, he stopped and came over to where I was standing. He looked at me and said, "I have not been able to keep my eyes off you all night. God wants me to tell you that you are going to be like Daniel. You are going to be set apart. Women are going to be drawn to you." I was utterly confused. I was pretty sure he was talking to the wrong girl. I have never stood out. Girls have never sought me out. I have always been very content to have only a handful of close friendships.

As the years went by, I continued to believe that the word had been a fluke. Because no girls were being drawn to me. I did not feel set apart by God. In fact, I mostly felt rejected by girls in my high school years. So I forgot the word and moved on with my life. But God never forgets, in fact, the call of God is irrevocable.

Imagine my amazement as I have come to the realization that not only was the word real but that I am living it now. Even at the age of 14 God was preparing me for this very moment. Whoah. I have talked with so many women and been able to pray with them and hear their stories. It's like they are drawn to me... ;) And it's not because I am awesome. HE IS AWESOME! He deserves all honor, glory, and praise. Oh Lord how good You are. I lift up Your name. I thank you for ALL You have done. I thank you that You go before us. That You know the plans You have. That if we will be open and available You will use us. You pick the weak to humble the strong. Thank you for Your sacrifice. For loving us enough to die a terrible death. You have purchased righteousness for us (if you haven't heard Todd White you need to. His message on righteousness is blowing my mind and has changed my whole view on my walk with God-check him out).

This picture is excruciatingly beautiful. This is my daughter. The most precious thing I have ever held in the palm of my hand. There is a sacredness about her. I hope you can see that.

Due Date

Today was Aleah's due date. It has finally come. I anticipated being overcome with grief and sorrow but instead I am filled with longing, love, hope, and thankfulness. No one but God Himself could do this in me. I could not manufacture these feeling voluntarily. He is good. He is my healer. He has wounded that He might heal. Yes, He took her and inflicted the wound, and yes, He is still good. Please believe that He can take children and still be the good and faithful God that He promises He is.

I have heard many people claim that if God takes away children from their parents then He cannot be trusted and He is no longer good. Do not buy into that pack of lies. He is God. Who are we to tell Him what He can and cannot do? He sacrificed His only Son for us, and we have the gall to tell Him that He cannot have our own children if He wants? If we perfectly understood the mind of God and all His ways, why would we ever worship Him? There would be no point. We would know it all and would not have need of Him. So when things happen in your life that are beyond your understanding...it's ok. Really. Because He is a good God. Choose to see that. Because you can choose not to.

I remember being in worship a few weeks after Aleah died and I asked God, "Why did You take her?". I wasn't expecting a response but He gave me one. In fact, it is the only thing He has ever said to me about the "why" of this whole situation. He asked me a question, "Jessica, would you believe that I sacrificed her so that you would love Me more?" I remember  being absolutely stunned by this question because God was telling that not only did He do this TO me but He did this FOR me.

When He said, "so you would love me more" I thought He meant I would continue to grow in love for God. But as I was driving home from a dear friend's house today, He revealed to me even more of what He meant. "Love me more" means that I literally love Him more than I love Aleah. And do you know what the scary part is? I DO love Him more.

This is not something that has happened overnight either. In fact, to be perfectly honest for a few months after she died when I thought about heaven, I mostly thought about Aleah. When I thought of going home, I thought of getting to see Aleah first. I wanted her to be the first one I would see...even before my blessed Savior. He is a jealous God. There will be NONE before Him. No not even our children. But He did not strike me down in anger for my betrayal. But rather He slowly worked on my heart, showing me that He was the only One who would never disappoint me or let me down. That He was the fulfillment I was searching for. That even if Aleah has stayed she could not satisfy my deep need for perfect love. She would disappoint me. But He would not. His perfect love would cast out all my fears.

So on this day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. Because He has given it to me. He knows all my days. He knows the plans that He has for me. And they are plans to give me a hope and a future. And I have hope. I hold onto it tightly. His hope will not disappoint.

My dear, sweet friend Stevie is VERY pregnant right now. In fact, she will deliver her son Cooper any day now. She has been the most amazing friend to me through this heart-wrenching season. She has cried with me and listened to me talk on and on. She is so dear to my heart. She was there when I was in the hospital at PVH. She is my prayer warrior. And I would like to share with you a poem she wrote for Aleah and our family. She has an amazing gift of writing poetry. Read it and be blessed!

Aleah Grace
March 23, 2011

She came here unexpectedly,
But only for a time.
An Angel sent from Heaven
With a purpose quite divine.
The earth was never meant to be
The place where she called home.
She was simply just a messenger
Of Heaven's very own.
For many, it was hard to see
The purpose of her birth
But the Father has a reason
Why He sent this child to earth.
This tiny Angel's message
Was of blessing and of love.
She brought with her the Father's Heart,
A glimpse of Heaven above.
Never did she suffer pain,
And never did she cry.
She was simply sweet perfection
And the Apple of God's eye.
That must be why He wanted her
And kept her free from harm.
An Immigrant ascending to
The Father's open arms.

Thank you Stevie! I love you so much my precious friend.

My Darkest Night

The past week has been an insane, whirlwind, roller coaster that I just can't get off of. In fact, this whole process has felt like one giant roller coaster. One of the nurses at PSL kept saying to me, "You did not sign up for this." At first glance, I would agree I didn't sign up for this...cue the Holy Spirit. "Jessica who did you give your life to?" Oh. Yeah. See I may not have signed up for this, but He signed me up. He has overridden my plans. He has veto power.

The phrase "God is in control" has never meant more to me than it does now. Because He is. And my soul knows that more than it ever has because I have tried to feebly hold on to my dreams, my plans, my will. I just hate that there is no where in the Bible where it says, "Jessica's will be done."

I have had to learn this lesson over and over in the past three months. I keep asking Him, "Haven't I already learned this lesson? I know You have control." And He replies, "Learn it better." Yes, that's exactly what He told me, learn it better. I must admit I was rather frustrated with Him at that point. "Really God? After all You have been putting me through, You say, 'Learn it better'?" Yes. Really.

So here I am. A place I did not ever envision being, with burdens so heavy sometimes I just want to crumble underneath their incredible weight. And it is quiet. He is with me but it is getting hard to see Him and even harder to hear His voice. I am stripped of my dreams. I am naked and wounded. As I wallow and indulge myself in self-pity, suddenly I remember. I remember, the One who was brutally beaten, mocked, spit upon, whipped, and pierced for me. He was wounded and naked for all the world to see. He knows how I feel.

Jesus has been teaching me to love Him more than my dreams and my own will. He has been teaching me to lay my "self", my will, on His alter and offer myself as a sacrifice. Self is a stubborn thing. It hates to die. Even as He is transforming me and even after all He has brought me through, sometimes I forget. I forget that He reigns. That He is higher. That who am I to be dictating my plans to my Creator?

This last month, I thought I was pregnant. The thought of new life growing inside me brought me the most exhilarating joy. My period was due to start on Father's Day. "How perfect Lord! What a wonderful Father's day gift that would be!" I told Him, desperately wanting Him to agree with me. I took a pregnancy test early that morning. Negative. Disappointment visited me once again. Several days passed and no period came. I began to hope that perhaps the test was wrong. I decided to retest on Thursday which just happened to be June 23rd, the 3 month anniversary of Aleah's birth and death. "Lord, please. To be given another child three months after You took her would be wonderful." I pleaded. Negative.

In my journal that day I wrote, "All right, here's where I am: disappointment, frustration, and sorrow. This sucks. It feels like I just can't take anymore. I feel on the verge of breakdown. I have never felt weaker than I do at this moment. I feel so utterly alone. I know my God is good but it doesn't feel that way right now. The dream of fertility has kept me going these past three months. Now that it is stripped away, I am naked, wandering in the cold night with no idea where I am going because the darkness is so thick. I strain to hear Your voice but all I hear is the snake telling me to give up all hope. To curse this day. I am weary of fighting him. Lord save me. Carry me because I don't think I can take another step. I don't even have the energy to shed tears. Be my salvation. I've never needed You more."

But I must remember He is good. I must remember He is faithful. His grace is enough for EVERY moment, for every dark night that my soul endures. And I will endure and not be crushed because He holds me in His hands.

I have been reading chapters of the Bible for my quiet times. I started with Psalms and John and then have moved chronologically from there. So at this point I was reading Proverbs and Romans. On June 23rd, I was reading in Romans 8. I did not seek this chapter out but was just reading it because that was the next chapter to read. And God used that chapter to speak right into my life. If you get a chance, read Romans 8 it's fantastic for anyone no matter where you are at. But I know that He planned for me to read that chapter on June 23rd. This verse jumped out to me and I know that God was using it to minister to my soul. It says,
                         "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation (Jessica) waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation (Jessica) was subjected to frustration (all morning I told God how frustrated I was), not by her own choice (preach it), but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation (Jessica) will be liberated from her bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8:18-21

This is also the same passage where Paul tells us that we are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus. So when I am empty, when I cannot take another step. He comes. He ministers to me. He gives me grace...just enough because He is good. Today I was trying to figure out how to end this post. In my quiet time, God gave me this verse. It's in Romans 8:24-25 it says:
                             "But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait patiently for it."

So I will wait. I will bring praise. I will hope in the Lord.

Home

Home. My favorite place. My favorite people are there. My favorite sounds, smells, and sights live there. Home to me means comfort. Oh how I love comfort. I love consistency and home is that for me.

I loved my home as a child, and as I grew I dreamed of the day that I would make my own home, with my own husband, and my own babies. I am one of the most domestic young women that I know of. I love to cook and bake. I love the feeling of rising early and having a clean home to show for it. I love to scrapbook and do "crafty" things. I am a mini Martha-Stewart. I have always dreamed of being a stay-at-home Mama. It would be no sacrifice for me.

For a while, my perfect home was coming together very nicely. I married my prince on a beautiful day in July. A year later we purchased our 3 bedroom 21/2 bath castle. And a year after that, I delivered my princess. Except, she didn't get to come home with us.

I came back to my home broken and shattered. It no longer symbolized the happiness and joy I had always longed for. Instead, it became a reminder of my broken and shattered dreams. All the beautiful plans and dreams I had made for my family lay in rubble. There would be no crying coming from the little room across from our bedroom. I would not take her to my neighborhood park on a bright spring day. She would not learn to crawl on the tan, plush carpet. She would never see the beautiful decorations and furniture that awaited her in her nursery. No, all those dreams had died with her.

I no longer wanted my home. It had disapointed me. It had not measured up to what I had hoped it would be. And then the lover of my soul asked me, "Jessica is this really your home?" Silence. All of these years I had been trying to create the perfect home with the perfect marriage, perfect future children, perfect decore, perfect cooking ect. I had thought that they would bring me true happiness and joy. How hollow these dreams seem to me now.

Lord, I repent of forgetting where my home is. How glad I am that this is not it. You see, I was right to desire home. I was created to desire and long for it, except I confused and settled for this earth. Now, I smile and know that all is not lost. In fact, the best is yet to come because we are not home yet.

My daughter is home. It has been said "home is where the heart is". How true that is. She has my heart; and she is home. Jesus, You have gone to prepare a place for us. So that where You are we may be also. This is what my heart has been longing for. It is longing to be made perfect. Speaking of longing, I miss her incredibly. I ache. I physically hurt to have her in my arms. When I see a mother embracing her children, my breath is taken away and pain consumes me. I do not know if I will ever get used to this sensation. I have been told that over time it will become easier to manage. But not a day, hour, or minute goes by that I do not feel her absence. She never did anything to deserve my love but there it was all the same and it continues to grow.

I was curling my hair in my bathroom the other morning. My heart was particularly heavy. I began to cry because I was missing my Aleah bear. And I asked the Lord, "Do You know how much this hurts? Do you know how much I long for her?" And He replied, "The way you long for her, is the way I long for you." I stood in my bathroom amazed. Yes, I have always known that God loves me. Yes, I know it is a great love and I have felt it. But you see, until you have had a child you do not know loves full potential. I know how much I love her and for Him to say He loves me that much humbles me. Oh how He loves! If you are ever doubting His love, please take heart and know that it is bigger than you are. It was the most perfect, fulfilling thing you could ever experience. His love is home. And because of love, He will be taking us to our real home.

Bring the Rain

These lyrics from MercyMe have really ministered to me. Hope that they minister to you too!

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

A Tribute to My Mom

Mothers day was a hard day, but not as hard as I thought it would be. But I feel like I didn't get to tell my Mom how much I love and appreciate her because I was so mixed up in my own emotions and feelings, and she being the amazing mother she is, was worried about me.

So I want to take a few moments to brag on my Mom. I think we will always share a special bond, especially now because I was her first baby girl and now I am a mommy to a precious baby girl. I know the deep love that I have for Aleah which helps me better understand the love she has for me. I respect my Mom; I want to please her. When I was growing up and did something that disappointed her, that was the worst punishment for me.

My Mom never tried to be my friend, she was my Mother. She was my confidant, my cheerleader, my prayer warrior, and my biggest fan. I can't tell you how many hours she has sat with me and listened to my troubles. She took the time to be interested in her children and not shoo them away while she tended to "more important adult" matters. I knew that I could tell her anything and she would not stop loving me. She loves without condition (but not without consequences :) ).

I remember confessing to her one of the worst things I have ever done and instead of yelling and screaming at me, she cried with me and was saddened by the sin that I had let creep into my life. Now who is that like? I am pretty sure that she is just like my Jesus. He is saddened when sin takes hold of us because it keeps us from Him and just hurts us. He did not come to condemn the world but to save it. He knows how messed up we are, but He loves us anyways. He wants to teach us to be like Him and be obedient so we can escape the bondage and pain that sin brings into our lives.

I believe that I understand the love of Jesus better because she is my Mother. She showed me love and pointed me to Him. Even when I was in the womb, she and my father would pray over me and put head phones up to her stomach so that I could hear praise music. As a little girl, I accepted Jesus when I was three years old. She and my father prayed that I would come to Jesus at an early age; I firmly believe that I came to accept the Lord so early because of those very prayers. They lived their faith. I knew Jesus through them. And even at three years old, I knew they had something that I did not. The Holy Spirit came and revealed to me that I had to make the choice to accept Jesus and that my parents could not do it for me. Nothing but the power and grace of God could give a three year old these kind of thoughts. That is why I accepted Jesus, because my parents loved Him, so I wanted to love Him too. That's the honest truth.

Mom, I love you so much. I have a new appreciation for all you have done for me and continue to do for me. I now know how your heart breaks for me in my hurts and rejoices with me in my triumphs, because that's what my heart does for Aleah. My heart broke when I knew I had to deliver her early but it rejoiced in the knowledge that she is with my sweet Jesus, she is where I want to be! So happy belated mothers day! I love you so much and pray that I will get to be the mother to children, and mother them the way you have mothered me. I love you.

Thankful

In this season, Jesus has taught me to be thankful. I am thankful that we were able to get pregnant so easily. I am thankful that I got to feel her moving as early as 16 weeks. I felt her move every single day after that. She had energy! Sometimes I would be sitting and she would kick me so hard that I would jump. She was a strong little girl. I love that I know that about her. I am thankful that I got to hold her and see her tiny movements. I am thankful that she died in my arms and not in her crib in the NICU.

I am thankful for all the pictures that we have of her. I will not forget what she looked like. I am thankful for the ultrasounds that we had with her. We saw her at 5 weeks (well actually she was too little to be seen then but we saw her sac) we saw her heart beating at six weeks, we saw her dance, spin, and twirl inside me at 16 weeks, and we saw that she was a beautiful baby girl at 20 weeks. I am thankful that God named her. I will always know it was His will that she leave this earth so early because of her name. It was always her destiny; her name was His stamp of approval.

I am thankful that I can joke and call her my "little vegetarian" because when I was pregnant with her she would not let me eat meat! I am thankful that we recorded her heartbeat when we heard it coming in strong at 150 bpm when she was 14 weeks. Now, I listen to that recording over and over again and let the tears fall and remember my lovely Aleah. I am thankful that Jesus died for us. I have always been thankful that He sacrificed Himself, but this year it has taken on new meaning because now I am a mother. My greatest concern was for her safety and welfare and because He sacrificed His only Son, my child will have eternal life. He has promised me that I will see her again.

I am thankful for the presence of the Holy Spirit inside me. He is the voice of truth. He is teaching me to be quiet and listen for His voice. I am thankful that I am can embrace my grief and sorrow as friends that will carry me through this heart-wrenching season. I am thankful for my husband. Jesus gave me an earthly mate that I can walk through the fire with. I am thankful for everyone who has prayed for me and my husband. We are so thankful for your prayers and we really do feel them. I am thankful for everyone who reads this blog. Thank you for letting me pour out my heart here. I am thankful for the promises that will come. I proclaim in Jesus' name to be thankful for the future babies He will give me because it is His good pleasure to bless me, not because I deserve it but because He is wonderful and good.

God is in the small stuff

Last weekend I was over at my parents' house (yes I practically live there now) and was having breakfast with them. On the mantel of the fireplace I saw a small brown bear. It reminded me of the bear that the hospital gave us after Aleah died. The bear was included in a care package that had imprints of her feet and hands, a tiny diaper, measuring tape of how long she was, a blanket, baby booties and a hat, and a journal for me to write in. When we buried her, she was so small that I didn't want her to be all alone in her casket so I had the bear placed with her.

Well, after a few weeks had passed I decided that I wanted the bear and regretted putting the bear in with her. Sometimes I miss her so much that I just want to hold something because my arms are empty. This was brought on largely because Jason started calling her Aleah bear. I wanted something tangible that I could hold, I wanted my Aleah bear.

The bear on the mantle was a bear that my parents put out at Christmas time but somehow had not made it into the boxes with the other decorations. I asked my Mom if I could have the little bear because it so closely resembled the bear given to us at the hospital. She said that was fine. I went to pick up the bear and felt something on the back. I turned the bear over and saw a pair of golden wings. My heart stopped and my eyes grew watery as I realized how perfect this little bear was. This really was my Aleah bear, representing my little girl now in heaven.

God gently whispered, "I planned this just for you." The little bear had been left out for months without a thought, but God had plans for that little bear. He knew what was going to happen to me and my little girl and He planned to remind me of His love through a tiny bear. He has let me know that He has not forgotten me or my pain. He lets me know that He has gone before me and prepared a way for me. I thank God for the small things He does in my life to let me know how much He loves me. Even though He is the great creator and almighty who is worshiped and praised by a host of angelic beings, He will take out the time to plan for me to find a bear with wings to give me comfort. 

Lessons from a Cat

Last night I was at my parents' house (somewhere I frequently am because we live in the same neighborhood and my husband is working like a crazy person because he's a CPA and it's busy season). My Mom and my sister and I were in the kitchen finishing up dishes from dinner. While we were complete our task, Toby our enormous tabby cat announced his presence by loudly meowing. He persisted in his urgent demands causing Sara to move toward the laundry room where his food is kept. Toby followed yelling the whole way (the cat likes his food, as evidenced by his large size).

We have started keeping Toby's food up on the dryer because my dog Desmond likes to eat Toby's food. Desmond is not agile enough to jump up on the dryer but Toby can despite his obese state. Well, Toby seems to suffer from long-term memory loss; he can not remember that we put his food up on the dryer despite the fact that we do it everyday. Sara began to pick him up to bring him to his food, and Toby not understanding the situation started crying even louder. He was exasperated that my sister would not give him the food he wanted. As she placed him down on the dryer, he saw his food and his cries subsided and he gleefully began to eat his food.

I am like Toby so many times. I suffer from long-term memory loss. I forget the goodness and providence that God has displayed in my life. Again and again, He shows His faithfulness and love in my life. I have an incredible family, I have a husband who was made just for me, and I have a cute house to live in. I am blessed. I am impatient like Toby. I forget that my Master loves me more than I can imagine and that He has my best interests at heart.

Toby does not realize that the whole reason we moved his beloved food up to where he can't see it is because we are protecting that food from Desmond. If we left the food down where he could reach it, he would not have the amount he has when we place it higher.

Losing Aleah is hard for me to understand, but I know the goodness of my God. He does not do anything just to see me suffer; He has a purpose. I may never fully know what that purpose is, but that does not change His good character. My circumstances do not dictate the character of God.

So the next time I am frustrated and angry, I will remember Toby. I will remember that everything my sister does is for his good (the same can't be said of me, Toby and I aren't the best of friends) even when he doesn't understand or can't see why. So I will have faith that my God has moved my Aleah up higher and someday I will get to her, even though I can't see her. I never thought that God would use cat food as analogy for my daughter (laughing in background) but it is a perfect analogy for me at this time in my life.

Back to School

Last week was my first week back at school. It was good to have a place to go and a purpose for going there. My students did not know about Aleah or why I was absent a few days before Spring Break. Telling them about my loss hurt. But I felt like they deserved to know because when I was pregnant with her, they would constantly ask me about her (I think they also knew that if they could get me talking about her they wouldn't have to do school work). They would ask me if she was kicking, how big she was, or what I was going to name her. They had many suggestions to what I should name her, such as Timantha...(8th graders are weird) or their own name. When I told them she had died, their little eyes became wide with the news. What surprised me the most was how concerned they were about how I was feeling. They wanted to know that I would be ok. That touched me that they cared. So far, they have been so good about being careful around me. When I told them about Aleah, I allowed them to ask me questions, but then told them that I did not want to talk about her after their questions were answered. They have honored my request, but they still check in with me everyday by asking me how I am doing.

As I enter into the last two weeks of student teaching, I find myself asking, "What next God"? I had planned to stay home with Aleah once she was born. Raising Aleah and her future brothers or sisters at home is what I had hoped for and dreamed of. Now those hopes and dreams are shattered. I find myself surrounded by my grief and unsure where to go next. I have found myself asking, "God what do you require of me?" I know that God's will is being done in my life; I don't always understand what He is doing or why He is doing it, but I am convinced that nothing has occurred that He has not sanctioned or planned.

In this time of darkness, I have been running into the arms of my savior. Asking Him to reveal His plans for me, asking Him to give me peace, asking Him to draw near to me. Sometimes I feel His love and grace so strongly, but then other times I feel so alone and like my grief will swallow me whole. I now have such a better understanding of what David was saying in the Psalms when he cries out to God and asks, why have you forsaken me, why have you turned your face from me? Though I know in my head that God will never leave me or forsake me, sometimes in the dark of the night you cannot see Him or feel His presence. I guess this is where faith comes in. My faith is being tested like never before. Even though I cannot feel Him like I am used to, I believe. Even though my dreams and hopes have been shattered, I will trust Him.

Sometimes there is anger in me. I am frustrated and confused. But I have learned something. God is not afraid of my anger. He is not threatened by my frustrations. For the first few weeks after Aleah died I was trying so hard not to be angry. I was trying so hard to be faithful to my Jesus by not admitting the feelings that raged beneath the surface. Finally, a few days ago I had it out with God. I was making chocolate chip cookies in my kitchen and was feeling awful. I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to speak my feeling out-loud. I told him that he did not want to hear what I had to say. He told me even if it was ugly to speak it. I did. I released my hurt, my anger, my frustration. My dog must have thought I was crazy as I dropped cookie dough onto the cookie sheets while I cried and raged at God. I learned something. God is big enough to take my anger. He showed me that I am His child. Sometimes children do not understand why their parents do things or why they allow things to happen to their children. But my Father is a good Father. He loves me enough to listen to my anger and frustration and still want to wrap me in His arms and let me cry. Keeping my feeling inside did nothing but cause me harm. God knew my thoughts and feeling before I ever spoke them. God has told me that in this time of grief all He wants from me is to bring everything to Him. I will bring Him my hurt, my anger, my pain, my praise, my worship, my confusion, and my love for my daughter. Everyday I will bring it to him and lay it all at His feet. I surrender all. All of it. Because He is mighty and able, He is my strength. He is my hero.

Aleah's Story

I've decided to create this blog to remember and celebrate my daughter Aleah Grace. I want this to be a place where I can freely, and openly express my thoughts, feelings, and "ah ha" moments. I want to share her life with the world; she was an amazing little girl who utterly and completely changed my life in only 59 minutes. She has shown me more about love in those precious moments than I could have hoped to learn in a lifetime without her. She has given me a glimpse into the love that our heavenly Father has for us as His children.

I would like to take the opportunity to tell you a little bit about Aleah Grace and her story. My husband Jason and I were married on July 21, 2008. It was truly a magical and special day. I always smile when I remember my wedding day. I thought I was as in love with my husband as I would ever be on my wedding day. I was wrong :) We had been married for a little over 2 years when we decided it was time to try to start a family. From day 1 of our marriage, Jason and I had planned for and wanted children, and after two years of enjoying each other, we decided it was time.

I remember being so afraid that we would not be able to get pregnant or that it would take much longer than I wanted to wait (patience has always been a struggle for me and I thought that God might use my pregnancy as an opportunity to try to teach me some). However, we were pregnant quickly! My Grammie called my Mom four days before I found out that I was pregnant and asked, "Is Jessica pregnant?" My Mom laughed and said no. We laughed about it together when my Mom told me that Grammie had called. However, 4 days later I discovered that Grammie was right, I was pregnant.

I always thought that I would have some dramatic, special way to tell Jason that we were pregnant. Turns out it wasn't too glamorous but I smile every time I think about it. I had taken a pregnancy test on Monday and it came out negative so I was sure that I was not expecting. However, when my period did not come all week I became suspicious. On Saturday morning I could take the waiting no longer and I decided to take a pregnancy test. I fully expected it to be negative and became alarmed when the stick turned into a plus sign. So being in shock, at 6 in the morning on a Saturday I marched into our bedroom threw on the lights and announced, "Jason, we're pregnant." He mumbled and moaned a confused, "What?". I repeated the news again. He replied, "Are you serious?!?" I ran to him and we joyfully embraced the news that we were going to be a family.

As a little girl, I had always dreamed of the day I would get married and the day I would become a mommy. Even as I grew up, I knew that I wanted a husband and a family. I thought that pregnancy was going to be something similar to a Disney Princess movie. I thought that I would be glowing, radiant, and beautiful. I even thought perhaps little animals might come out to greet me each morning, and I would sing to them in perfect harmony. Well, I was surprised and disappointed to discover that I did not glow or feel radiant and my beauty was being replaced with pimples and frizzy hair.

My first trimester was a very challenging time for me. I was still a full-time student at UNC and had a part time job at the campus Coffee Cart. I felt like I experienced every pregnancy symptom in the book. I was so tired, my breasts were so sore, and I had a lot of cramping and pressure. This in particular caused me to be alarmed because thanks to google, I was sure that my pregnancy was going to end. For the next 8 weeks, I lived in fear. I remember checking sometimes hourly to see if I was bleeding. Jason could tell I was in misery because of the fear I carried around me like a weight. In addition to the constant fear, I also developed a constant state of nausea just in time for Thanksgiving! There was a period where I did not eat dinner for over a month. The combination of all these things caused me to be depressed about the pregnancy because it was not matching up with the Disney Princess version I had created in my head years earlier.

The fear and depression exhausted me emotionally. I tried to cry out to God but I felt like I just could not connect to Him. After weeks of trying to somehow keep my pregnancy going in my own power, God gently revealed to me how wrong I was. He asked me how I was liking taking all the responsibility of making the pregnancy work. He then asked me to give Him my baby, to surrender the control I wanted and give it all to Him. I remember journaling at about week 11 in my pregnancy about my fear. I finally agreed that I had to surrender all to Him. I had to give Him the life of my precious child and I finally had to face the worst case scenario, God could take my child. God asked me if I would trust Him even if that were to happen. I said I would. I wrote in my journal, "Even if my worst fears are confirmed, I know that God will give me the grace to get through it." I had no idea how prophetic those words would be.

Fear is not from God. But God used my fear and weakness to prepare me for what I would walk through 13 weeks later. He took me to a place of complete surrender. Having a child was the dream I held closest to my heart, something I wanted more than anything in the world. And I gave her to Him. Knowing He could take her away, but not believing He would.

Once I entered my second trimester, my earlier first trimester symptoms began to melt away as did my fear. I loved my second trimester. I began to show in my 12th week which I loved! I was so excited to look pregnant. I began to eat food again...and it tasted good!  My little Aleah bug must have been a vegetarian because I still felt an aversion to meat. I loved shopping for maternity clothes. I started student teaching and felt my energy come back to me (thank goodness because my middle schooloers stole it right back).

Around week 16, I was riding in my parents' car with them when I felt a "poke". It was my baby girl. It felt like someone was poking me from the inside. I felt her poke me four more times that day and I giggled every time she did. I will always treasure and remember that moment. My little girl would go on for the next seven weeks of her life to wake me up each morning with her movements and lull me to the sleep with her dancing inside my womb. I think I will always treasure this part of my pregnancy the most. I felt her growing strength each week which filed me with such great hopes and dreams for her.

On Wednesday, March 2nd Jason and I went to do our 20 week ultra sound. We decided to find out what we were having because I am too much of a planner not to know. I love to plan every detail of my life (yeah I know I have control issues). The whole pregnancy I just knew this baby was boy. I even had 3 dreams in which the baby was a boy so that must have been God telling me, right? We saw our baby kick, twist, and turn all around the inside of me. We saw four chambers of her heart moving beautifully. I fell in love with that baby right then, right there. We had the tech write down the gender of our baby so that we could open it at PF Changs later that night. I remember opening the envelope and being so shocked to see pink pen identifying that my child was a girl! Jason and I could barely speak because we both thought for sure this little Harris would be a boy. Jason said, "Now can I buy a shot gun?"

We went to Target and bought her first outfit. We wrapped it and took it over to my parents' house to tell them the news. My Dad thought that she was a girl but my Mom also knew she would be a boy (my Dad guessed me, my brother Adam, and sister Sara correctly, Mom only got Sara right so I should have known who to ask). My Mom was shocked to pull out bows and a pink outfit and my Dad just smiled.

The next three weeks passed uneventfully. I fell in love with my little girl a little more each day. Now that I knew she was a she I began to have the most beautiful dreams for her, of how our lives would be once she came. I bought her the most lovely dresses. I bought her bows to place in her blond hair (well it had to be blond because Jason and I both are, right?). I am close to my Mom so I prayed that Aleah and I would be close as well. I only had 6 more weeks of student teaching left so I began to really think and dream of what my life would be like in a few short months. I pictured us going to see Daddy at work for lunch, of going on walks with Desmond our dog, and spending our days together getting to know and love each other.

But on March 22nd, all those dreams came crashing down around me. The day started out just like any other Tuesday. I woke up at 6 and arrived at school around 6:50. That weekend I had made baby shower invitations and sent them with Jason to pass out to his co-workers. The day was just like any other school day, I taught and went to meetings. I came home around 3:30 and went to the bathroom. It was then that I knew something was wrong. I had felt something that did not feel right. I called my doctor and they decided that I should come in just to check it out. I told myself that everything would be fine and that I was just over reacting. I texted Jason to let him know I was going in to see the doctor. He works in the same complex that our doctors office was in so he decided to walk over and come to the appointment with me. We waited in the waiting room for 30 minutes and then went back to be seen by my doctor.

Everything felt normal. They weighed me, took my blood pressure, and even listened to Aleah's strong little heartbeat, just like they always did. When my doctor went to check my cervix my world came to a halt when I heard her say, "That's not good." My heart sunk and stopped. I could feel the adrenalin start coursing through my veins. My doctor is usually very calm and does not say things like "That's not good." She said, "I see membrane." I didn't know what that meant so I started asking lots of questions. At that point I was already 4cm dilated and she told me that she would call an ambulance to rush me to Poudre Valley Hospital (PVH). She also urged me not to move at all. It was then that I knew something was terribly wrong.

Jason and I were left in that small doctors office for what seemed like eternity, it was probably more like 15 minutes but when your world has just been turned upside down your perception of time is altered. I remember staring at the ceiling in unbelief. I was in my second trimester, everything was supposed to be ok! This was not supposed to happen to me! I remember looking over at Jason who was in shock and asking him to come beside me. He grabbed my hand and I tearfully said, "Promise me something. We are not going to be angry we are not going to bitter." And he nodded. I know that it was God moving on my heart to declare that right then right there because that set the tone for the rest of the journey through the fire. 

I heard sirens coming from the street and then I realized, those are for me. The reality of my situation began to sink in, I was going to a hospital, something was wrong, my worst nightmare was coming true. The EMTs that came to put me in the ambulance were great. As I was being transported to the hospital, I remembered a dream I had the week before. In my dream I had gone to a doctor's appointment and at the appointment my doctor told me, "you are dilated and you are in labor". In the dream, I remember the date was April 22nd and I cried out to the doctor, "No she's not ready, she's not ready yet!" But the doctor looked at me and told me that I would be rushed to the hospital and that I would have to have the baby. I delivered the baby and they told me "it's a boy". I said, "No, I am having a girl, it can't be a boy!". But they handed me my baby and he was 7lbs. Then I woke up. The dream disturbed me and I did not know why, after all the baby in the dream was a boy not a girl so clearly my mind was just making things up. But as I was riding in that ambulance I remembered the dream and shook with fear. I told the EMT about the dream and I saw his eyes go wide. I do not know if the dream was from God warning me or if it was a coincidence but the dates are interesting to me. I started labor March 22nd, in the dream I started labor April 22nd. The first part of the dream was exactly what happened to me at the doctors office. I do not know if the second part of the dream means anything or if God is telling me that I will someday have a son, but I will always vividly remember that dream.

Once we arrived at the hospital, I met my first doctor. She told me that I would absolutely be going into labor that week and that they wanted to try to place an emergency cerclage. However, the only hospital that could do it was Presbyterian St. Lukes down in Denver. They would have to airlift me. My doctor told me that Aleah was not viable and so another option was to abort the pregnancy. As soon as she began saying this I started shaking my head no. The doctor reprimanded me and told me I needed to hear all my options. It was then that I decided I didn't like her, but it probably didn't help her cause that she had to be the first one to tell me that my baby girl would probably not survive. She told me even if the cerclage would be able to be placed, which would depend on several factors, the success rate was only 15%. The situation seemed to go from bad to worse with every word she uttered.

I started having back pain and the monitors they had on me could not determine whether I was having contractions or just aches. Looking back, I realize now that I had started labor. The doctor walked out of the room and my parents arrived. What happened next will always be one of my favorite and special memories of  Aleah's birth. My parents and husband gathered around my hospital bed, joined hands and began to pray. The spirit of God was strong in that room and peace and grace began to fall like rain upon us all. I started to pray. I felt like I became a metal rod and the Holy Spirit was electricity because I could feel the current of the Spirit go through me as I prayed. It was one of the most intense encounters with God that I have ever experienced. The Spirit was giving me the words to say; I was just the mouth piece. I began to declare scripture and it flowed out of me like water. One scripture that God gave me through her birth was out of Psalms 34:1 that says, "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth." God was calling me to praise Him in the fire, knowing my child could die.

Jason was incredible. He was my rock. He was by my side every second, always holding my hand telling me how much he loved us, and asking if he could get me anything. He looked at me and at my swollen stomach and said, "Jess, we have to name her." At that point, I broke. I sobbed. Pain surged through me. We had decided that we would not name her until we saw her and so we had not picked out her name yet. We had ideas and names we liked but nothing was permanent. When he told me we had to name her, to me that meant that I had to deal with the reality that my little girl was coming into this world, like it or not. There was nothing that I would not have done to keep her inside of me. I pleaded, I begged, I cried for her to just stay put and for my body to stop betraying me by contracting. I looked at him and asked, "What do you want to name her?" and he responded, "You already know." We did not bother to confirm her name to each other because we knew. I looked at my parents and said, "Her name is Aleah."

Later I found out that earlier that morning before we knew anything was wrong, Jason had to change his password at work. He changed it to a derivative of Aleah. God named her. We did not know the meaning of her name when we named her, but God did. Aleah means "to ascend" it literally refers to the Jews returning to their homeland. When I found out the meaning of her name, God revealed to me that she was His all along. She was always destined to go be with Him. Heaven was her home.

That night my back labor began to progress. Jason stayed by my side, every moment. He slept on a terrible cot and held my hand. The nurses had a fetal heart monitor on my stomach and asked me if I wanted the sound to be turned down so I could sleep. I said no. I knew that it was probably the last time I would be able to hear my baby's beautiful heartbeat so I drank in every moment that I could. I fell asleep to my sweet Aleah's steady, strong heartbeat.

The next morning decisions had to be made. PVH did not care for infants above 28 weeks and Aleah was only 23 weeks. If I delivered her there, they would have done nothing to help her survive. The choice was clear. I needed to be airlifted to PSL. Jason left an hour before me so that he could be at the hospital when I arrived. Flight for life came in and wheeled me out to the helicopter. The helicopter was tiny and we all barely fit (me and the EMTS). All through the flight I fought for her in prayer. I begged God, I cursed the devil, and I cast out unbelief. I even started to rebuke my contractions. I fought for her. 

I knew that God could perform a miracle. I asked for her. I begged for her. I knew and believed that my God was big enough to perform a variety of miracles. I knew He could stop the labor, I knew He could make my cervix close, I knew He could develop her lungs, I knew He could allow her to draw breath. I chose to believe.

Jason and I arrived in my hospital room at PSL at the exact same time which was such a blessing. A few minutes later we were taken into a room to do an ultra sound. The ultra sound showed that Aleah's feet were too far down in the birth canal for a cerclage to even be attempted. The best we could hope for was that the labor would stop. But even if the labor had stopped, she was in danger of dying inside me because of her position. She was breech.

Hope began to fade. I still believed but my dark night began to get darker. My contractions started picking up and becoming more intense so that I could no longer deny that I was in labor. By two in the afternoon my contractions were 2 minutes apart. They tried giving me Magnesium Sulfate to try to stop the contractions but they would not be stopped. The contractions hurt. I had all back labor so I was not even feeling any contractions on my stomach just in my lower back. I would not wish back labor on my worst enemy.

By four, I could take the pain no more and agreed to an epidural. I had always turned my nose up at epidurals. My Mom never had one, my sister in-law didn't have one, so why would I need one? Well, if you have ever had back labor, or if you ever do my advice to you is: get the epidural! I humbled myself and took the drugs. I am glad I did because at least some pain could be relieved. The emotional hurt and anguish continued to rage inside me with each passing minute.

By six in the evening, my doctor wanted to induce labor. The magnesium sulfate was not stopping the contractions, Aleah was coming. In that moment, I believe my heart completely broke. I felt like my daughter had been given a death sentence and I had to be apart of carrying it out. I had to force her into the world; I would deliver her to die. Jason held my hand with tears in his eyes. I cried out, "She's not ready!" And he nodded but we had to get her out.

The task before me was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. It was my darkest hour. I would be asked to bring a little girl into the world who was not ready, not physically prepared to even breathe. But God was there. He gave me the grace to do the unthinkable, He gave me the grace to give birth to the most precious thing in my life. I prayed that she would not suffer. I prayed that she would be able to be out as fast as possible. The doctors warned me that because she was breech her head could become stuck. I did NOT want that to happen. I wanted my baby to come into this world in peace and with joy.

God was faithful. At 7:52, I pushed twice and my little Aleah Grace came into this world. She was beautiful, she was whole, she was perfect. I did not know what she would look like at only 23 weeks. I wasn't sure if everything would be completely formed, so part of me was scared to look at her initially. But when I saw her I could not look away. I saw all 12 inches of her beautiful frame, and the phrase, "fearfully and wonderfully made" took on new meaning for me. She was tiny. She only weighed 1 pound and 2 ounces. When they placed her in my arms I felt like I was holding a feather. I literally held her in the palm of my hand. She was alive! My baby did not come out dead and gone forever, she was there with me. I saw her move four times and each time melted my heart. One of my favorite memories was placing my index finger in the palm of her hand. She had such perfect fingers and toes. In fact, she had Jason's toes. They are very distinct so there was no denying that she was his daughter. She even had his nose. She had my long fingers. And she had blond eyelashes; yes, she was ours.

As I held my baby girl, I thought, "God, you can still do this! You can still save her. Please let her heart keep beating. Let me take her home. Please let me keep her." I passed her to her father who held her with awe and wonder. This was the first time he had been able to really experience her. He had felt her kick a few times from inside the womb but when he was able to hold her and touch her, he was forever changed. Both sets of Grandparents and Aunt Becky were there to hold our little Aleah Grace. They marveled at her and how beautiful she was. They wondered at how someone so tiny could inspire such great love in all of us. That little girl taught everyone in that hospital room how to love. She was so small but she was so mighty! Isn't it like God to use someone so little and small to have such a big and powerful purpose.

When she came back into my arms, I began to rock her. I wanted to memorize every sweet feature on her little face. As we rocked, my Aleah went from my arms into the arms of Jesus. My baby died in my arms. She had stayed with us for a life-changing 59 minutes. Those were the shortest 59 minutes of my life but oh how special they were! Jason was able to speak a blessing over her. He told her how much he loved her and how special she was. That little girl was held her entire life, she was told countless times how much she was loved and how beautiful she was. She went into the arms of Jesus peacefully. She did not thrash, she did not gasp for breath. She went quietly and with grace.

After she went to heaven, Jason and I were left in the hospital room alone to be a family with our little girl for a little longer. After cuddling her and saying goodbye we gave her to the nurse and she was gone. In that moment God revealed to me His sacrifice. I said to Jason, "I now have a glimpse into Jesus' sacrifice on the cross." God had lost his firstborn, I had just lost mine. I have been a Christian all my life (I asked Jesus in my heart when I was 3) and sometimes the miracle of the cross has not been able to be as significant for me because I feel like it is a story I have heard one too many times. I know that what I just confessed sounds terrible but its the truth. Recognizing that I did not have the appreciation or understanding of the cross like I should, a few years before I ever became pregnant I talked to God about it. I asked Him to one day help me better understand the sacrifice of the cross; yes, I actually prayed that. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my past self and shove a hand over my mouth. But I know that even then God was preparing my heart. Before the beginning of time God knew that my Aleah Grace would be His, she was never mine. God allowed me to be her mother. What a great honor because she was a special little girl with a special purpose. I love my daughter with all my heart and now  I know the cost of the sacrifice God gave to save us. There was no higher cost; God payed the ultimate when He watched His son die. I will never charge Him with unfaithfulness to me. Am I upset that He took my child? Sometimes I am. But I will still praise Him. I will still worship. Even in the fire I will proclaim His goodness. That is what I want this blog to be. I do not want it to be a whine session (although there may be some of that from time to time). I will declare God's goodness always.

When I was pregnant with Aleah, I prayed over her often. My prayer for her was that above all else she would love God more than anything. I prayed that she would serve and worship Him all the days of her life. And guess what my precious little girl doing right now? Well, she's experiencing perfect love. She is worshiping her creator and Father, she is serving His purpose by the testimony of her life. How could I ever say that God has been unfaithful to me? Would I like to have her back? YES! I would take her back in heartbeat, but I know that His plans are bigger than my plans. So everyday that I wake up, I have to make a choice. Will I be bitter and angry at what I do not have or will I surrender my daughter to her Father? She is waiting for me in heaven. I tell Jesus to give her a hug and kiss from me everyday. And when I get to heaven I will hug and hold her and never let her go.