I think when I look back on this season of my life I will remember it as the season of patience and perseverance. I am trying to learn these lessons well. I do not want to repeat this course. But something tells me that patience and perseverance are the fertile ground where faith grows, the kind of faith that moves mountains and that is not swayed or uprooted. And the only reason I keep placing one foot in front of the other and keep fighting to stand firm is because of the promise.
Our God is a God of promises. He is a covenant God. For as long as we have known Him, He seeks to bind us to Him through covenants and promises. In the garden, Adam and God made an agreement that as long as Adam and Eve did not eat of the tree of good and evil, everything else was accessible to them. God promised that they would surely die if they ate of the forbidden fruit. Sure enough, they broke the promise they made with God that they would stay away from the fruit and this world became the broken place of death that God promised.
The next big promise and covenant that comes to mind is God and Abraham. In Genesis 17, this is what God says to Abraham, "As for me, this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations. 5 No longer will you be called Abram[b]; your name will be Abraham,[c] for I have made you a father of many nations. 6 I will make you very fruitful; I will make nations of you, and kings will come from you. 7 I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you. 8 The whole land of Canaan, where you now reside as a foreigner, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God." I love that God changes Abraham's name. He does the same thing with Sarah, Abraham's wife. When God changed their names, He changed the purpose and calling of their lives. He does the same thing with us. When we accept His atonement and salvation, He changes our name. We are called sons and daughters.
The meanings of names have always been very important to me. When we were thinking about baby names, for weeks I poured over names and their meanings. I liked several names but could not be satisfied with many of them because of their meanings. For example, I loved the name Leah but could not be satisfied with it because it means "weary, to tire".
God named my baby. I think I have written before about how God revealed her name to us but in case you missed it or have forgotten let me tell you. The day I started going into labor, before we knew anything was wrong, Jason changed his password at work to Aleah. At the hospital, when Jason told me that we needed to name her, I knew her name immediately and I told my Mom her name without even confirming with Jason. I did not know the meaning, all I knew was that it was her name just like you know the sky is blue.
God also gave me her middle name. I was being airlifted to PSL and the contractions were becoming stronger and stronger. All I could picture was Jesus and the disciples in the boat during the storm. I pictured the contractions as waves hitting the boat and I commanded them to be still in the name of Jesus. I prayed as fiercely and with as much faith as I possessed because I knew her life depended on it. After about 20 minutes of rebuking the contractions, I became quiet and searched for the voice of my savior in my storm. He told me that I needed a middle name for her. I asked Him, "Lord, please, can it be Aleah Joy?" And He replied, "No child. Name her Aleah Grace because you will be given grace." I felt my heart sink at those words. I didn't want grace, I wanted joy. And I knew that grace would mean accepting the result I fought so hard to avoid.
But her name testifies that my God is the same God that made covenant with Abraham. Her name means "ascending". This was the calling of God on her life. She was surrounded by the will of God and fulfilled her calling fully. Isn't that what we all strive for? We want to be everything our Creator has created us to be.
I am reminded of another child who was born to die. His death brought life and covenant. Her death reminds me of His death and helps me understand the Father's love even more. Jesus was a picture of the Kingdom and pointed to the Father. And Aleah reminds me daily of the Kingdom that awaits me and the Father that gave her to me for such a time as this; so that I would know Him and love Him more than this fallen world that I loved above Him. The Father's love is so perfect and full. I know I have only experienced a tiny fraction of His love but it keeps me coming back for more. I have heard the Lord tell me that He is, "blowing on the coals of my heart. With each breath, with each word, the coals of my love are stoked and get hotter and hotter." That is what He does. He brings life from death and beauty from ashes. He has fostered love in me that I never though possible.
I still struggle. There are times that I miss her so much that I just want to die. Sometimes it takes all my concentration to keep breathing through moments where there is a knife in my heart and pain pulses through me. Every month, I am confronted with circumstances that tell me my body is not functioning the way it should and that life will not come from me again. I have so wanted a promise from God that I will have more children. I cannot tell you how much I have wanted to hear those words from Him. But I never have. I know He is the giver of life and that He is more than able to give me another child. But I don't always understand His ways or why He gives some people children while others who want children desperately do not conceive them. I don't have any answers. I don't think anyone does.
But because I know His love, I know that my hope is secure in Him. I know I have found the One that my soul loves above anything or anyone. I know that His thoughts toward me are good. That He knows my hurts and my desires. And He made me a promise.
I love secret passages, like the kind that are in castles and fancy houses that take you to a hidden room (I'll connect this I swear). There is something so amazing about things being more complex than they seem. And I love it when God gives me a word and just when I think I fully understand Him, He blows my mind by showing me a deeper, hidden meaning. I think this is why the angels who surround Him and bow down before Him are continually amazed by Him. Because just when you think you are starting to understand Him, He goes and blows your mind all over again.
When we came home from the hospital, broken and fresh in our grief, we looked up what our daughter's name meant. It means, "ascending". How perfect. To me this was God's official stamp of approval on the whole situation. Her name was Him letting me know that He was not surprised or shocked by what had occurred but that He Himself had sanctioned it. But there is even deeper meaning in her name.
Aliyah is a Jewish term, of which her name is a derivative, and refers to when God will bring all the Jews back together to their homeland. It is God's promise to reunite a people that were torn apart in this life. The scattering began when Babylon enslaved the Jews. We see this in the Bible when Daniel and the three who were thrown into the furnace were taken from their homes. The Jewish home is the same promise land that God promised Abraham and his decedents.
Though the blood that runs through my veins is not biologically of Jewish heritage, Jesus promises all who believe in Him that we have been "grafted in". That we share in the promise because we have believed the Son of God. So the fact that God named her Aleah, is such a direct and personal promise to me. That my family will be reunited one day in the promise land. That every time Satan has told me that heaven is not real or that Aleah may not be there waiting for me for one reason or another, has been declared a lie by my Father. He has promised that my family will be made whole again. We will inherit the promise land. Every time I think or speak her name, I am speaking the promise of my beautiful Jesus.
