When I wrote The Promise I never thought that there would be a second part. But it gives me such great pleasure and joy to tell you all that there is. I mentioned in my last post that I have wanted a promise from God directly about my future and if that future included children. Well, after 9 long months of pleading with Him to tell me anything about that aspect of my life, on December 18th He did. We were at church and a word was given. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this word was for Jason and I. But before I divulge the promise, let me give you a little background.
Every month since we lost Aleah, my body still has pregnancy symptoms. For me, the symptoms can be the most cruel form of torture because I feel pregnant but every month ends in negative pregnancy tests and my heart breaks just a little more from the pain and disappointment. And the month of December was no different. I had taken a test on Friday December16th which came back negative. I did not cry when I saw the result but accepted the disappointment as I have learned to do after month after month of negative results. Jason told me how proud he was of me that I didn't cry this time, it was the first time that I had not dissolved in tears.
The next day we went to Wray, Colorado to see one of Jason's good friends from college. The drive to Wray is about 3 and a half hours long. I don't know about you, but the car seems to be a catalyst for arguments for Jason and I. And how stupid is it to get in a fight in the car? It is a small metal box which you can not easily escape when driving 65 miles an hour down an empty stretch of asphalt highway. Then you add the tension of the argument and the knowing that you cannot escape the other person. You are stuck. Of all the big blow-up fights I can think of, the majority of them occurred in the car. And you guessed it, the storm clouds rolled in to create the perfect storm. The drive there was mostly pleasant but a few things were said that hinted that storm clouds were on the horizon but we both tried our best to ignore them.
The visit with Jason's friend was wonderful. We got to see her house and cute little puppy. But when she began to ask us about how we were doing with trying to become pregnant, it became crystal clear that Jason and I were on two different wave lengths.
When we tried to get pregnant with Aleah it took a whole 2 months of trying and...bam! We were pregnant. It has not been so this time around. And in my mind, I was ready to start consulting a fertility doctor. Jason, on the other hand, firmly believes that my body is just fine and that we will become pregnant right when we are suppossed to. He also has told me repeatedly that, if God does not give us another child, it will be perfectly alright, not because we don't want more children, but because it is His will for us and His will is perfect.
Jason's words sound so good. And I knew that he had the right of it, but those words did not stop my heart from breaking every time I saw a pregnant woman, blooming with her child safely inside her, something I had not been able to do for mine. His words troubled me because having children has been one of my greatest and deepest desires. I have shared this desire with my Lord nearly everyday. I believed fully that my God could give me another child, but I did not know if He would. And I did not want to demand anything from Him because who am I to tell Him what He needs to do and how He needs to do it?
Right after Aleah died, for a while I did have an entitled attitude. I thought to myself, "Surely, You will give me more children God. Don't I deserve a child after all I have been through?" And He asked me, "Jessica, can you pry blessings from My hands?". That silenced me. I repented in my heart and knew that He was the giver of blessings. I could not force Him to do anything. So for 9 months, I asked Him to reveal His will. I asked for direction. I asked that if no more children were in our future that He would quiet my desire for them. But all I heard was silence. He spoke to me volumes on anything else in the world, but He never said one word about this.
When Jason and I got back in the car, a tornado of a fight was headed full steam towards us. We finally said all the things to each other that we had been thinking the past 9 months when it came to our fertility. I didn't know what to do. I have felt like a small boat being tossed back and forth by waves of decisions. Should we adopt? Should we go to a fertility doctor? Should we go on clomid? Should we do nothing and wait on the Lord? I had no answers. When Jason in a voice of resignation and frustration asked, "Jess, what do you want me to do? I don't think we should go see a fertility doctor which will cost money we don't have, but if that's what you want I'll do it. I don't think we will get pregnant if we do it, but if this is what you want we'll do it." And I screamed back, "I don't know what to do. I want to do what God wants but He won't say a single word to me about it. HE IS SILENT!" Cue large ugly sobs.
And just as quickly as the storm clouds rolled in, they departed. And my husband held my hand and cried with me. He told me how much he loved me and that he couldn't stand to see me so torn apart. He made me promise that from this day forward we were going to trust God. That we were never going to try to manipulate and plan our way through our life without Him. We had tried that once and it didn't work so well. Jason told me that we were going to choose joy everyday. That we were going to bless God everyday no matter what our circumstances were. And I agreed. I surrendered.
The next morning we went to church. I felt myself worship God freely. I had layed my heavy burdens at His feet and just worshiped. Then one of our pastors, Pastor Dianne, got up to share the words of knowledge that had been given. Usually, at this point in the service, the words have all my attention because for months I had waited to see if God would tell me anything. But this week, I did not hope for a word. So while I was not paying attention, all the sudden I start hearing the words, "There is a couple here that has trying to become pregnant and God wants you to know that you are going to become pregnant!" Jason and I looked at each other in shock and began to cry. There was a tiny voice inside my head that said, "But is this really for you?" And then Pastor Dianne looks at Jason and I and starts laughing as she says, "Oh, this is for you guys isn't it?". Then I knew, God was giving me my promise.
I was in such a state of shock that I barely remember what people prayed over us. But I do remember one woman kept saying the word, "promise" over and over. Also, my best friend Stevie saw on facebook the day before that we were leaving to go to what Jason called "Nebraska" because Wray is so far east. She thought that I was not there when the word was given, and she leaned over to her Mom and said, "I am so sad Jess isn't here. This word is for her, I just know it." And her Mom said, "No she's right over there."
When I looked up through a veil of tears, I saw my best friend by my side. She has prayed for me every single day, that I would become pregnant. It was extremely special that she could be there with me, when God gave me this promise because He was answering her prayers too.
So I don't know when and I don't know how, but I know that He has promised. I believe Him. His word that it will happen is as good as a positive pregnancy test. Without faith it is impossible to please God, so I openly declare that I will become pregnant because He said so. Rejoice with me and give thanks to our Lord and King.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The Promise
I think when I look back on this season of my life I will remember it as the season of patience and perseverance. I am trying to learn these lessons well. I do not want to repeat this course. But something tells me that patience and perseverance are the fertile ground where faith grows, the kind of faith that moves mountains and that is not swayed or uprooted. And the only reason I keep placing one foot in front of the other and keep fighting to stand firm is because of the promise.
Our God is a God of promises. He is a covenant God. For as long as we have known Him, He seeks to bind us to Him through covenants and promises. In the garden, Adam and God made an agreement that as long as Adam and Eve did not eat of the tree of good and evil, everything else was accessible to them. God promised that they would surely die if they ate of the forbidden fruit. Sure enough, they broke the promise they made with God that they would stay away from the fruit and this world became the broken place of death that God promised.
The next big promise and covenant that comes to mind is God and Abraham. In Genesis 17, this is what God says to Abraham, "As for me, this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations. 5 No longer will you be called Abram[b]; your name will be Abraham,[c] for I have made you a father of many nations. 6 I will make you very fruitful; I will make nations of you, and kings will come from you. 7 I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you. 8 The whole land of Canaan, where you now reside as a foreigner, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God." I love that God changes Abraham's name. He does the same thing with Sarah, Abraham's wife. When God changed their names, He changed the purpose and calling of their lives. He does the same thing with us. When we accept His atonement and salvation, He changes our name. We are called sons and daughters.
The meanings of names have always been very important to me. When we were thinking about baby names, for weeks I poured over names and their meanings. I liked several names but could not be satisfied with many of them because of their meanings. For example, I loved the name Leah but could not be satisfied with it because it means "weary, to tire".
God named my baby. I think I have written before about how God revealed her name to us but in case you missed it or have forgotten let me tell you. The day I started going into labor, before we knew anything was wrong, Jason changed his password at work to Aleah. At the hospital, when Jason told me that we needed to name her, I knew her name immediately and I told my Mom her name without even confirming with Jason. I did not know the meaning, all I knew was that it was her name just like you know the sky is blue.
God also gave me her middle name. I was being airlifted to PSL and the contractions were becoming stronger and stronger. All I could picture was Jesus and the disciples in the boat during the storm. I pictured the contractions as waves hitting the boat and I commanded them to be still in the name of Jesus. I prayed as fiercely and with as much faith as I possessed because I knew her life depended on it. After about 20 minutes of rebuking the contractions, I became quiet and searched for the voice of my savior in my storm. He told me that I needed a middle name for her. I asked Him, "Lord, please, can it be Aleah Joy?" And He replied, "No child. Name her Aleah Grace because you will be given grace." I felt my heart sink at those words. I didn't want grace, I wanted joy. And I knew that grace would mean accepting the result I fought so hard to avoid.
But her name testifies that my God is the same God that made covenant with Abraham. Her name means "ascending". This was the calling of God on her life. She was surrounded by the will of God and fulfilled her calling fully. Isn't that what we all strive for? We want to be everything our Creator has created us to be.
I am reminded of another child who was born to die. His death brought life and covenant. Her death reminds me of His death and helps me understand the Father's love even more. Jesus was a picture of the Kingdom and pointed to the Father. And Aleah reminds me daily of the Kingdom that awaits me and the Father that gave her to me for such a time as this; so that I would know Him and love Him more than this fallen world that I loved above Him. The Father's love is so perfect and full. I know I have only experienced a tiny fraction of His love but it keeps me coming back for more. I have heard the Lord tell me that He is, "blowing on the coals of my heart. With each breath, with each word, the coals of my love are stoked and get hotter and hotter." That is what He does. He brings life from death and beauty from ashes. He has fostered love in me that I never though possible.
I still struggle. There are times that I miss her so much that I just want to die. Sometimes it takes all my concentration to keep breathing through moments where there is a knife in my heart and pain pulses through me. Every month, I am confronted with circumstances that tell me my body is not functioning the way it should and that life will not come from me again. I have so wanted a promise from God that I will have more children. I cannot tell you how much I have wanted to hear those words from Him. But I never have. I know He is the giver of life and that He is more than able to give me another child. But I don't always understand His ways or why He gives some people children while others who want children desperately do not conceive them. I don't have any answers. I don't think anyone does.
But because I know His love, I know that my hope is secure in Him. I know I have found the One that my soul loves above anything or anyone. I know that His thoughts toward me are good. That He knows my hurts and my desires. And He made me a promise.
I love secret passages, like the kind that are in castles and fancy houses that take you to a hidden room (I'll connect this I swear). There is something so amazing about things being more complex than they seem. And I love it when God gives me a word and just when I think I fully understand Him, He blows my mind by showing me a deeper, hidden meaning. I think this is why the angels who surround Him and bow down before Him are continually amazed by Him. Because just when you think you are starting to understand Him, He goes and blows your mind all over again.
When we came home from the hospital, broken and fresh in our grief, we looked up what our daughter's name meant. It means, "ascending". How perfect. To me this was God's official stamp of approval on the whole situation. Her name was Him letting me know that He was not surprised or shocked by what had occurred but that He Himself had sanctioned it. But there is even deeper meaning in her name.
Aliyah is a Jewish term, of which her name is a derivative, and refers to when God will bring all the Jews back together to their homeland. It is God's promise to reunite a people that were torn apart in this life. The scattering began when Babylon enslaved the Jews. We see this in the Bible when Daniel and the three who were thrown into the furnace were taken from their homes. The Jewish home is the same promise land that God promised Abraham and his decedents.
Though the blood that runs through my veins is not biologically of Jewish heritage, Jesus promises all who believe in Him that we have been "grafted in". That we share in the promise because we have believed the Son of God. So the fact that God named her Aleah, is such a direct and personal promise to me. That my family will be reunited one day in the promise land. That every time Satan has told me that heaven is not real or that Aleah may not be there waiting for me for one reason or another, has been declared a lie by my Father. He has promised that my family will be made whole again. We will inherit the promise land. Every time I think or speak her name, I am speaking the promise of my beautiful Jesus.
Our God is a God of promises. He is a covenant God. For as long as we have known Him, He seeks to bind us to Him through covenants and promises. In the garden, Adam and God made an agreement that as long as Adam and Eve did not eat of the tree of good and evil, everything else was accessible to them. God promised that they would surely die if they ate of the forbidden fruit. Sure enough, they broke the promise they made with God that they would stay away from the fruit and this world became the broken place of death that God promised.
The next big promise and covenant that comes to mind is God and Abraham. In Genesis 17, this is what God says to Abraham, "As for me, this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations. 5 No longer will you be called Abram[b]; your name will be Abraham,[c] for I have made you a father of many nations. 6 I will make you very fruitful; I will make nations of you, and kings will come from you. 7 I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you. 8 The whole land of Canaan, where you now reside as a foreigner, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God." I love that God changes Abraham's name. He does the same thing with Sarah, Abraham's wife. When God changed their names, He changed the purpose and calling of their lives. He does the same thing with us. When we accept His atonement and salvation, He changes our name. We are called sons and daughters.
The meanings of names have always been very important to me. When we were thinking about baby names, for weeks I poured over names and their meanings. I liked several names but could not be satisfied with many of them because of their meanings. For example, I loved the name Leah but could not be satisfied with it because it means "weary, to tire".
God named my baby. I think I have written before about how God revealed her name to us but in case you missed it or have forgotten let me tell you. The day I started going into labor, before we knew anything was wrong, Jason changed his password at work to Aleah. At the hospital, when Jason told me that we needed to name her, I knew her name immediately and I told my Mom her name without even confirming with Jason. I did not know the meaning, all I knew was that it was her name just like you know the sky is blue.
God also gave me her middle name. I was being airlifted to PSL and the contractions were becoming stronger and stronger. All I could picture was Jesus and the disciples in the boat during the storm. I pictured the contractions as waves hitting the boat and I commanded them to be still in the name of Jesus. I prayed as fiercely and with as much faith as I possessed because I knew her life depended on it. After about 20 minutes of rebuking the contractions, I became quiet and searched for the voice of my savior in my storm. He told me that I needed a middle name for her. I asked Him, "Lord, please, can it be Aleah Joy?" And He replied, "No child. Name her Aleah Grace because you will be given grace." I felt my heart sink at those words. I didn't want grace, I wanted joy. And I knew that grace would mean accepting the result I fought so hard to avoid.
But her name testifies that my God is the same God that made covenant with Abraham. Her name means "ascending". This was the calling of God on her life. She was surrounded by the will of God and fulfilled her calling fully. Isn't that what we all strive for? We want to be everything our Creator has created us to be.
I am reminded of another child who was born to die. His death brought life and covenant. Her death reminds me of His death and helps me understand the Father's love even more. Jesus was a picture of the Kingdom and pointed to the Father. And Aleah reminds me daily of the Kingdom that awaits me and the Father that gave her to me for such a time as this; so that I would know Him and love Him more than this fallen world that I loved above Him. The Father's love is so perfect and full. I know I have only experienced a tiny fraction of His love but it keeps me coming back for more. I have heard the Lord tell me that He is, "blowing on the coals of my heart. With each breath, with each word, the coals of my love are stoked and get hotter and hotter." That is what He does. He brings life from death and beauty from ashes. He has fostered love in me that I never though possible.
I still struggle. There are times that I miss her so much that I just want to die. Sometimes it takes all my concentration to keep breathing through moments where there is a knife in my heart and pain pulses through me. Every month, I am confronted with circumstances that tell me my body is not functioning the way it should and that life will not come from me again. I have so wanted a promise from God that I will have more children. I cannot tell you how much I have wanted to hear those words from Him. But I never have. I know He is the giver of life and that He is more than able to give me another child. But I don't always understand His ways or why He gives some people children while others who want children desperately do not conceive them. I don't have any answers. I don't think anyone does.
But because I know His love, I know that my hope is secure in Him. I know I have found the One that my soul loves above anything or anyone. I know that His thoughts toward me are good. That He knows my hurts and my desires. And He made me a promise.
I love secret passages, like the kind that are in castles and fancy houses that take you to a hidden room (I'll connect this I swear). There is something so amazing about things being more complex than they seem. And I love it when God gives me a word and just when I think I fully understand Him, He blows my mind by showing me a deeper, hidden meaning. I think this is why the angels who surround Him and bow down before Him are continually amazed by Him. Because just when you think you are starting to understand Him, He goes and blows your mind all over again.
When we came home from the hospital, broken and fresh in our grief, we looked up what our daughter's name meant. It means, "ascending". How perfect. To me this was God's official stamp of approval on the whole situation. Her name was Him letting me know that He was not surprised or shocked by what had occurred but that He Himself had sanctioned it. But there is even deeper meaning in her name.
Aliyah is a Jewish term, of which her name is a derivative, and refers to when God will bring all the Jews back together to their homeland. It is God's promise to reunite a people that were torn apart in this life. The scattering began when Babylon enslaved the Jews. We see this in the Bible when Daniel and the three who were thrown into the furnace were taken from their homes. The Jewish home is the same promise land that God promised Abraham and his decedents.
Though the blood that runs through my veins is not biologically of Jewish heritage, Jesus promises all who believe in Him that we have been "grafted in". That we share in the promise because we have believed the Son of God. So the fact that God named her Aleah, is such a direct and personal promise to me. That my family will be reunited one day in the promise land. That every time Satan has told me that heaven is not real or that Aleah may not be there waiting for me for one reason or another, has been declared a lie by my Father. He has promised that my family will be made whole again. We will inherit the promise land. Every time I think or speak her name, I am speaking the promise of my beautiful Jesus.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Pass the Potatoe Chips
My brother Adam and I were driving in the car about a month ago and we were talking about the anointing of God. I have always craved the anointing, even as a little girl. I remember lying on my bed when I was 6 or 7 and pouring my little child heart out to Jesus begging Him to give me a life of destiny and purpose. For as long as I can remember, I have craved the deep things in life. I have desired richness and purpose.
My favorite Bible story was and is Joseph. I love stories that begin with tragedy but end in triumph and victory. Right now I feel like Joseph. I feel like I have escaped the pit only to end up in prison. But I get to cheat. Jesus already has told me how this story ends and it ends with me receiving an inheritance beyond anything I could have planned for myself. It ends with me finally gazing on the One that my soul loves. It ends with my holding the one that my heart broke for, and kissing her sweet cheeks and gazing into the eyes that I have never seen open. It ends with the One who died to give me life wiping away every tear.
I have to be honest, which I always try to be when writing and sharing my heart, these past few months have been a battle that I did not anticipate. I did not anticipate the feelings of despair or discouragement. I knew I would be attacked by my enemy but I underestimated how ruthless and cruel he would be. The Bible does not lie when it says he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Expect no less than pure evil from him. I know a lot of you may be sitting there thinking "Duh, its Satan". But I know for me, much of my Christian life I have underestimated his desire to destroy me. I more just pictured him as disliking me. Wrong. He hates me with everything in his being. He despises every fiber of my being; in case you were wondering, he hates you that much too. And as I draw closer and closer to my Father, the snake tries harder and harder to destroy me. I feel like I have a bright red target on my back.
But praise Jesus, He has never left me. There have been days where I have not wanted to go another step but He keeps me going. There have been many moments where I can almost physically feel Him with me. These moments often feel like an embrace from heaven. They only last a few seconds but their memory stays with me. The night we returned from the hospital, I was lying up in my room alone. Jason had gone to get my cell phone charger over at my parents house. Up until that point, God had never given me visions of anything. But as a lay there on my bed, trying to know how to respond to feeling completely and utterly broken I saw Jesus. I did not see His face, but I saw Him. He came into my room, walked over to the side of the bed where I was lying and caressed the side of my cheek. Then He was gone. It is moments like those that I hold onto. They are what keep me putting one foot in front of the other. His grace is sufficient.
Ok but back to the anointing thing. When I was in high school, my walk with God became complacent and when God put Jason in my life, my whole focus was to make a picture perfect family with him. Nothing else mattered to me more than that. But the moment I knew that we would have to give Aleah back to her creator, the bottom fell out of my perfect life. After a few weeks of not speaking to God, I finally broke down and prayed, "Ok God. You just shot my perfect little life plan to hell, so You better use me. There is no way that I am going through all this pain for nothing. I'm Yours. This world has nothing for me." And ever since then, I have begun to hear His voice like never before. My love for Him has grown beyond anything I could have imagined, and I know that it will only increase. The more of Him I experience, the hungrier I am.
I know God has placed an anointing on my life. I believe I am anointed to testify and demonstrate the goodness and faithfulness of my God. But I never ever want to walk in pride. I have heard many people acknowledge how this blog has blessed them and I thank God for that. But it is ALL Him. Lord, all glory and honor to You. Because You KNOW this was not my plan. I would not have written my story this way. But God You are too good to let me wallow in my own shallow dreams and plans. You stoop down to make Me great because of Your goodness and faithfulness.
One word God spoke to my heart this last week was about Aleah. I was thinking about her heartbeat and how strong it was. We had a heart rate monitor on her the whole time and her heartbeat stayed at 150 and never wavered. She was a strong little girl. And I heard God whisper to me, "The second her heart stopped beating for you, it started beating for Me." Oh Lord how good You are. I share these things with you because I hope that you will see the love of our Father and how He delights in His children.
So back to the car with my brother. We were also talking about how we have seen some people who are very anointed by God, take that anointing and glorify themselves. Lord I repent of any time I have done this, forgive me. Never, never do I want to take what belongs to Him. Adam said he heard one of the pastors at our church talk about when Christians take glory for what God has given them through the anointing. Adam said, "Its like being at a party and you are given a bag of potato chips to take from and pass along. You did not manufacture the potato chips, you did not make them. You have received them and benefited from them and now you need to pass them to the next person. Why would you expect the person you are passing the chips to, to thank you like you made the chips?" It is such a simple picture but an accurate one. So this is me passing the potato chips. They are some good potato chips not because I am such a good passer but because He is such a masterful creator.
My favorite Bible story was and is Joseph. I love stories that begin with tragedy but end in triumph and victory. Right now I feel like Joseph. I feel like I have escaped the pit only to end up in prison. But I get to cheat. Jesus already has told me how this story ends and it ends with me receiving an inheritance beyond anything I could have planned for myself. It ends with me finally gazing on the One that my soul loves. It ends with my holding the one that my heart broke for, and kissing her sweet cheeks and gazing into the eyes that I have never seen open. It ends with the One who died to give me life wiping away every tear.
I have to be honest, which I always try to be when writing and sharing my heart, these past few months have been a battle that I did not anticipate. I did not anticipate the feelings of despair or discouragement. I knew I would be attacked by my enemy but I underestimated how ruthless and cruel he would be. The Bible does not lie when it says he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Expect no less than pure evil from him. I know a lot of you may be sitting there thinking "Duh, its Satan". But I know for me, much of my Christian life I have underestimated his desire to destroy me. I more just pictured him as disliking me. Wrong. He hates me with everything in his being. He despises every fiber of my being; in case you were wondering, he hates you that much too. And as I draw closer and closer to my Father, the snake tries harder and harder to destroy me. I feel like I have a bright red target on my back.
But praise Jesus, He has never left me. There have been days where I have not wanted to go another step but He keeps me going. There have been many moments where I can almost physically feel Him with me. These moments often feel like an embrace from heaven. They only last a few seconds but their memory stays with me. The night we returned from the hospital, I was lying up in my room alone. Jason had gone to get my cell phone charger over at my parents house. Up until that point, God had never given me visions of anything. But as a lay there on my bed, trying to know how to respond to feeling completely and utterly broken I saw Jesus. I did not see His face, but I saw Him. He came into my room, walked over to the side of the bed where I was lying and caressed the side of my cheek. Then He was gone. It is moments like those that I hold onto. They are what keep me putting one foot in front of the other. His grace is sufficient.
Ok but back to the anointing thing. When I was in high school, my walk with God became complacent and when God put Jason in my life, my whole focus was to make a picture perfect family with him. Nothing else mattered to me more than that. But the moment I knew that we would have to give Aleah back to her creator, the bottom fell out of my perfect life. After a few weeks of not speaking to God, I finally broke down and prayed, "Ok God. You just shot my perfect little life plan to hell, so You better use me. There is no way that I am going through all this pain for nothing. I'm Yours. This world has nothing for me." And ever since then, I have begun to hear His voice like never before. My love for Him has grown beyond anything I could have imagined, and I know that it will only increase. The more of Him I experience, the hungrier I am.
I know God has placed an anointing on my life. I believe I am anointed to testify and demonstrate the goodness and faithfulness of my God. But I never ever want to walk in pride. I have heard many people acknowledge how this blog has blessed them and I thank God for that. But it is ALL Him. Lord, all glory and honor to You. Because You KNOW this was not my plan. I would not have written my story this way. But God You are too good to let me wallow in my own shallow dreams and plans. You stoop down to make Me great because of Your goodness and faithfulness.
One word God spoke to my heart this last week was about Aleah. I was thinking about her heartbeat and how strong it was. We had a heart rate monitor on her the whole time and her heartbeat stayed at 150 and never wavered. She was a strong little girl. And I heard God whisper to me, "The second her heart stopped beating for you, it started beating for Me." Oh Lord how good You are. I share these things with you because I hope that you will see the love of our Father and how He delights in His children.
So back to the car with my brother. We were also talking about how we have seen some people who are very anointed by God, take that anointing and glorify themselves. Lord I repent of any time I have done this, forgive me. Never, never do I want to take what belongs to Him. Adam said he heard one of the pastors at our church talk about when Christians take glory for what God has given them through the anointing. Adam said, "Its like being at a party and you are given a bag of potato chips to take from and pass along. You did not manufacture the potato chips, you did not make them. You have received them and benefited from them and now you need to pass them to the next person. Why would you expect the person you are passing the chips to, to thank you like you made the chips?" It is such a simple picture but an accurate one. So this is me passing the potato chips. They are some good potato chips not because I am such a good passer but because He is such a masterful creator.
Monday, October 10, 2011
At the Feet of Jesus
As a little girl, one of my most favorite thing to do was to lay on the rug right outside my parent's shower. Early in the morning, I would hear the shower water come rushing out of the shower head. At the sound, I would quickly grab my pillow and my blanket and I would run to the bathroom. I adored the sound of the water's symphony of sound and the warmth of the steam that rose and enveloped me in a blanket of misty warmth. And I would smile with a feeling of glee, knowing that my Mother would soon find me lying at her feet. Sure enough, she would pull back the shower curtain to find her four year old at her feet smiling up at her as she tried to exit the shower. She would say, "Jessica Lee, what are you doing?" And I would just giggle, knowing that I had "surprised" my Mother. As an adult, I am sure that part of my Mother just wanted to have a shower alone because she would be with me and my brother all day long. But she always welcomed me with love. My four year old self knew she would not turn me away and tell me to leave. She would welcome my presence with her love.
This is the kind of courage and faith my Father wants from me. He wants me to approach Him with the knowledge and understanding that I will not be turned away. That I am not an inconvenience to Him. His banner over me is love. He wants me to run into His presence everyday like I would run when I heard the shower. I did not see my Mother but I KNEW she was in the shower. I knew that she loved me and would not turn me away. I have been learning to rest and wait on the Lord. The rest should not be full of anxiety and worry, but instead should consist of a stubborn belief that He will come, I just don't know when. I knew she would eventually get out of the shower and discover me, I just didn't know when. Anticipation increased my desire to see her. I believe God does the same with us. He wants us to wait for Him and grow in love and longing to be face to face with Him.
I have been continually amazed how my love for Him has grown. This is not to say that it was been a steady incline. In fact, there has been many many valleys, storms, and dark nights. And I know there will be more. But I am ascending. I am growing closer and closer to His heart. I have seen the beauty of the Lord and tasted His goodness so that I can never walk away. My heart longs for the day of His return. The day where I will see Him with my eyes for the first time. Where I will see the wounds that purchased me for Heaven's Kingdom. I feel like I am finally walking the path He has called me to. It isn't an easy path because He loves me too much to give that. He has chosen to develop me, to make me beautiful the way that sunshine and clear skies never could. It will be thunderclouds and rain for me. But it will nourish me and make me grow. And so as MercyMe has sang, I will say, "If that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain."
If you are in rain, do not despair. His love for you is bringing the wet rain to your dry soul. Accept the wet, messy, blessings. I have learned that blessings and pleasure are not at all the same thing. Blessings often hurt, are uncomfortable, and bring change. Pleasure is soft, sweet, and unchanging. I know someday I will experience the pleasures of Heaven and maybe even pleasures in this life, but blessings will transform me. The harder it rains, the more puddles there will be. And when I look at the puddles that the rains have brought to my life, I hope to see the reflection of Christ staring back at me.
This is the kind of courage and faith my Father wants from me. He wants me to approach Him with the knowledge and understanding that I will not be turned away. That I am not an inconvenience to Him. His banner over me is love. He wants me to run into His presence everyday like I would run when I heard the shower. I did not see my Mother but I KNEW she was in the shower. I knew that she loved me and would not turn me away. I have been learning to rest and wait on the Lord. The rest should not be full of anxiety and worry, but instead should consist of a stubborn belief that He will come, I just don't know when. I knew she would eventually get out of the shower and discover me, I just didn't know when. Anticipation increased my desire to see her. I believe God does the same with us. He wants us to wait for Him and grow in love and longing to be face to face with Him.
I have been continually amazed how my love for Him has grown. This is not to say that it was been a steady incline. In fact, there has been many many valleys, storms, and dark nights. And I know there will be more. But I am ascending. I am growing closer and closer to His heart. I have seen the beauty of the Lord and tasted His goodness so that I can never walk away. My heart longs for the day of His return. The day where I will see Him with my eyes for the first time. Where I will see the wounds that purchased me for Heaven's Kingdom. I feel like I am finally walking the path He has called me to. It isn't an easy path because He loves me too much to give that. He has chosen to develop me, to make me beautiful the way that sunshine and clear skies never could. It will be thunderclouds and rain for me. But it will nourish me and make me grow. And so as MercyMe has sang, I will say, "If that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain."
If you are in rain, do not despair. His love for you is bringing the wet rain to your dry soul. Accept the wet, messy, blessings. I have learned that blessings and pleasure are not at all the same thing. Blessings often hurt, are uncomfortable, and bring change. Pleasure is soft, sweet, and unchanging. I know someday I will experience the pleasures of Heaven and maybe even pleasures in this life, but blessings will transform me. The harder it rains, the more puddles there will be. And when I look at the puddles that the rains have brought to my life, I hope to see the reflection of Christ staring back at me.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Hell in the Hallway
Have you ever heard the saying, "When God closes one door He opens another"? While this is true nobody ever talks about the hallway that must be passed through to get to that next door. And I am in that hallway. And it feels like hell in this hallway. So much has happened that I have been having trouble processing it all. Fair warning: this post might be a jumbled mess...well because I feel like a jumbled mess right now and please stick with me until the end. In these posts, I always seek to be honest about what I am going through. And you all know that I am a God-praiser, but the praising comes at the end of this one so stay with me.
Grief amazes me. Pain is humbling. It ever reminds me of my weakness and need for someone stronger and bigger than I am because without Him I am a scared little girl in the corner. Just when I feel like life is starting to even out, grief hits me right in the face and reminds me of what I have lost, of who I have lost. And then I feel like a terrible mother for momentarily forgetting her, for forgetting my pregnancy, for forgetting that right now I would be holding a two-month old in my arms.
Jason and I are enjoying each other. We are enjoying being a couple and the freedom we have. We speak of her often, in casual ways. We include her memory in our love for each other. For instance, Jason likes to hike and every time he ascends a mountain, at the top, he takes a picture of himself holding a picture of Aleah. While this is so endearing, the horror of it hits me. We have a dead child. A child we will never know in this life. We will never see her graduate, watch her find the love of her life, or hold her babies in our arms. This is my life.
I went to go see my doctor because I have been having trouble with my cycles. They have not been regular at all. My doctor thinks that not only am I irregular but that I have developed a condition that causes me not to ovulate at all. Meaning that my doctor is predicting that it could be very difficult for us to get pregnant again. And at the last appointment they did an ultra sound. The findings showed some cells that were concerning to my doctor. So I got to be told that at 23 years old, not only have I lost my first child to a very rare condition and that I may have developed a condition that will make it difficult to become pregnant, but that I also might possibly have cancer. Seriously?
This is the point where I feel like breaking. Where I feel like asking God to make my heart stop beating because it hurts so bad. Where I tell Him, "I just want to go home!" But obviously He did not grant my request. I am still here. And I will STILL PRAISE.
God started to show me that it is at this point when my praise in the most beautiful. It is this point that I can claim legitimate faith and trust. Because nothing looks like it will be alright. Nothing has been easy. But I will bring praise anyway. How could I ever show more love or devotion to my King than to love Him when every thing seems to go against me? This is true worship. I still believe Him when He says He makes all things work together for my good. I trust that He has good plans for me. I know that He has purchased eternal life for my family because we have believed Him; that this life will not compare to what is coming.
Ever notice that people who have the strongest testimonies do not have easy lives? I am beginning to. If you are experiencing circumstances and problems that make you feel like you will be swallowed whole, take heart and know that if you allow Him, He will draw you closer to Himself and transform you into beauty. And we as women know, that beauty often involves pain (high heels are a perfect example- they make your legs looks so good but they hurts so much! super spiritual, I know). But this pain leads to transformation. He does not waste pain. Every single trial I have walked through has been used to make me stronger, to mature me, to bring beauty to ashes. So again and again and again until eternity, I will bring praise. I will declare His goodness because my circumstances do not define Him. He is bigger. He is stronger. He reigns. You know what's awesome? Even in this incredibly difficult and painful season, His goodness is here. So if He is good in my hallway of hell, He can be good anywhere!
He has saved my family from mediocrity. There is no possible way I can stay there. It is either bitterness or praise. I choose praise. I choose to bless the Lord because He is good. Even if we are never given more children, He will still be good and deserve all my worship and praise. And I will give it. I give it now.
P.S.
I got the result back from the biopsy and there is no cancer- praise You Lord.
Grief amazes me. Pain is humbling. It ever reminds me of my weakness and need for someone stronger and bigger than I am because without Him I am a scared little girl in the corner. Just when I feel like life is starting to even out, grief hits me right in the face and reminds me of what I have lost, of who I have lost. And then I feel like a terrible mother for momentarily forgetting her, for forgetting my pregnancy, for forgetting that right now I would be holding a two-month old in my arms.
Jason and I are enjoying each other. We are enjoying being a couple and the freedom we have. We speak of her often, in casual ways. We include her memory in our love for each other. For instance, Jason likes to hike and every time he ascends a mountain, at the top, he takes a picture of himself holding a picture of Aleah. While this is so endearing, the horror of it hits me. We have a dead child. A child we will never know in this life. We will never see her graduate, watch her find the love of her life, or hold her babies in our arms. This is my life.
I went to go see my doctor because I have been having trouble with my cycles. They have not been regular at all. My doctor thinks that not only am I irregular but that I have developed a condition that causes me not to ovulate at all. Meaning that my doctor is predicting that it could be very difficult for us to get pregnant again. And at the last appointment they did an ultra sound. The findings showed some cells that were concerning to my doctor. So I got to be told that at 23 years old, not only have I lost my first child to a very rare condition and that I may have developed a condition that will make it difficult to become pregnant, but that I also might possibly have cancer. Seriously?
This is the point where I feel like breaking. Where I feel like asking God to make my heart stop beating because it hurts so bad. Where I tell Him, "I just want to go home!" But obviously He did not grant my request. I am still here. And I will STILL PRAISE.
God started to show me that it is at this point when my praise in the most beautiful. It is this point that I can claim legitimate faith and trust. Because nothing looks like it will be alright. Nothing has been easy. But I will bring praise anyway. How could I ever show more love or devotion to my King than to love Him when every thing seems to go against me? This is true worship. I still believe Him when He says He makes all things work together for my good. I trust that He has good plans for me. I know that He has purchased eternal life for my family because we have believed Him; that this life will not compare to what is coming.
Ever notice that people who have the strongest testimonies do not have easy lives? I am beginning to. If you are experiencing circumstances and problems that make you feel like you will be swallowed whole, take heart and know that if you allow Him, He will draw you closer to Himself and transform you into beauty. And we as women know, that beauty often involves pain (high heels are a perfect example- they make your legs looks so good but they hurts so much! super spiritual, I know). But this pain leads to transformation. He does not waste pain. Every single trial I have walked through has been used to make me stronger, to mature me, to bring beauty to ashes. So again and again and again until eternity, I will bring praise. I will declare His goodness because my circumstances do not define Him. He is bigger. He is stronger. He reigns. You know what's awesome? Even in this incredibly difficult and painful season, His goodness is here. So if He is good in my hallway of hell, He can be good anywhere!
He has saved my family from mediocrity. There is no possible way I can stay there. It is either bitterness or praise. I choose praise. I choose to bless the Lord because He is good. Even if we are never given more children, He will still be good and deserve all my worship and praise. And I will give it. I give it now.
P.S.
I got the result back from the biopsy and there is no cancer- praise You Lord.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Cooper James
My best friend Stevie delivered her beautiful baby boy on August 16th at 11:00 in the morning. He is beautiful and perfect. And it was a moment I had been anticipating for months. If you have the time, please let me show you the beauty of this friendship and how God has interwoven our lives together to create something to give thanksgiving and praise for.
Stevie and her twin sister Alex and I went to school together when we were in first grade. But after second grade, I went to several other different schools. But our sophomore year of high school we were reunited. They and a group of friends all had decided to move with Mrs. Radford to RCS to finish school. I was planning on going to Poudre High School, but God told me that I was supposed to go to RCS. I call this my "Jonah" phase. Because I did NOT want to be there. And I let people know it too. I was probably one of the most unapproachable students because I was angry at God for ruining my plans (see I have planning issues). To top it off, my Mom was the athletic director and convinced me to go out for volleyball.
If you have never played volleyball before, let me tell you, it is not a sport that you can easily pick up. It is a sport that requires repetition in order to master its skills. I had never played the sport in my life and everyone in my class had been playing since they were knee high. They all made varsity. I made Junior Varsity....only because we did not have a C team because if we had, I'm pretty sure I would have been on it. And being apart of the volleyball team meant that every August, Mrs. Radford would take us on a team trip to Texas. There we would stay at her friend's lake house and play several games against local teams. This would have been a blast if 1) I had not been determined to be miserable and make everyone else around me feel my misery 2) I had been able to decently play the sport of volleyball.
Alex and Stevie both made varsity. And not only did they make varsity, but they were starters. Stevie was our setter and Alex one of our outside hitters. And Alex got the delightful task of "befriending me". She would talk to me, ask me how I was doing, and be kind to me when I was making it difficult. I will never forget her generosity. And gradually a friendship began to grow between the twins and myself.
Our junior year, Stevie and I bonded over the fact that both of us had "serious" boyfriends. And the fact that, she, Alex, and I were rejected by most of our classmates. Why? Well, I don't think I'll ever completely understand, but that's a very long story for another day. But we learned to survive by clinging to each other. She, Elliot (her now husband), Jason and I went to homecomings and proms together. She was the first friend I told that I was going to marry Jason after only dating him for 2 months.
Our senior year, miracles of all miracles (it seriously is) I made varsity. In fact, I was a starter. I know Jesus did this. Talk about redemption. I was by no means the "star" player. But I held my own. I will always treasure playing volleyball with my twin friends. We even got to go to state. And when graduation day came, no one was happier than the three of us. We had survived. And we did it together.
I went to UNC for college and Stevie went to Arizona and Alex traveled the globe with YWAM. But I remember calling Stevie sometime in March, telling her "I'm engaged!". And she replied, "We are getting engaged soon too!". We got married three days apart. She postponed her honeymoon so that she could attend my wedding, and I spend the week up until my wedding helping her prepare and decorate for hers.
And she was the first friend who I told, "We're pregnant!" And then two weeks later, I get a call. She tells me, "We're pregnant too!". And I replied, "Of course you are. Because we do everything together. So if I'm pregnant you have to be too."
During our pregnancies, we shared everything. We would have lunch every Tuesday. We would text each other how we were feeling or ask each other questions like "Do you think this is normal...?" We tried to determine what sex our babies were. Stevie was convinced she was having a girl. I was convinced I was having a boy. Ha! Our due dates were only a few weeks apart. We planned our baby showers two weeks apart. We rejoiced with each other and celebrated that our babies would be friends and playmates.
Then on March 22nd Stevie came to my hospital room at PVH, where she works. She was on shift that night. She came in with a brave face but I could see the fear and tears in her eyes. As I lay in the bed, still pregnant with my child, and she, with her growing child, grabbed my hand and prayed with me. She begged Him to let me keep my child, to spare me the hurt I would soon endure. And at that moment, an indescribable bond was forged between us.
When I got home from PSL after we lost Aleah, I wanted to see Stevie. I remember her coming and having the most amazing, God exulting, conversation with her. And then I remember asking her if I could touch her stomach. And she nodded. And I reached out and put my hand on her growing belly and thanked God for Cooper. In that moment, I knew I would love him. I would rejoice over him. I would see him as a symbol of God's goodness.
And so our friendship continued and grew. She has cried countless tears with me. She has listened to me for hours on end and has been nothing but supportive. She has spent countless hours on her knees for me. She has stood with me and by me through what should be the happiest time of her life. But she has decided to share my grief. To walk where I have walked, to feel what I feel. And I am so utterly grateful to her.
She went with me to pick out Aleah's headstone. And as I bawled in the car on the way home, she grabbed my hand and mirrored my grief by crying along with me. And I have sat in her living room, with her a week past her due date and laughed with her as we watch Cooper move and outgrow the space inside her. We have danced the sacred dance of sorrow and joy together. We have mirrored each other. She has known depth by sharing my sorrow and I have known fulness by sharing in her joy.
Cooper was so happy inside her that after two full weeks past her due date, they had to evict him by inducing labor. I was at work as she was in labor with him. I was receiving text message updates from Alex, God bless her. I was praying and rejoicing. I felt like I was there in spirit. And after a hard and difficult delivery, Stevie allowed me and Jason to come see Cooper.
When he was placed in my arms, I bawled. But they were tears of appreciation and joy. Of thankfulness that this little one was here and alive. Feeling the sensation of air going in and out of his lungs was so beautiful, something I never felt my child do. And of course, she cried with me. And I rejoiced with her. I wish I had words to adequately describe the beauty of that moment. Of seeing the evidence that our God brings both sunshine and rain; together they reveal indescribable beauty.
Stevie and her twin sister Alex and I went to school together when we were in first grade. But after second grade, I went to several other different schools. But our sophomore year of high school we were reunited. They and a group of friends all had decided to move with Mrs. Radford to RCS to finish school. I was planning on going to Poudre High School, but God told me that I was supposed to go to RCS. I call this my "Jonah" phase. Because I did NOT want to be there. And I let people know it too. I was probably one of the most unapproachable students because I was angry at God for ruining my plans (see I have planning issues). To top it off, my Mom was the athletic director and convinced me to go out for volleyball.
If you have never played volleyball before, let me tell you, it is not a sport that you can easily pick up. It is a sport that requires repetition in order to master its skills. I had never played the sport in my life and everyone in my class had been playing since they were knee high. They all made varsity. I made Junior Varsity....only because we did not have a C team because if we had, I'm pretty sure I would have been on it. And being apart of the volleyball team meant that every August, Mrs. Radford would take us on a team trip to Texas. There we would stay at her friend's lake house and play several games against local teams. This would have been a blast if 1) I had not been determined to be miserable and make everyone else around me feel my misery 2) I had been able to decently play the sport of volleyball.
Alex and Stevie both made varsity. And not only did they make varsity, but they were starters. Stevie was our setter and Alex one of our outside hitters. And Alex got the delightful task of "befriending me". She would talk to me, ask me how I was doing, and be kind to me when I was making it difficult. I will never forget her generosity. And gradually a friendship began to grow between the twins and myself.
Our junior year, Stevie and I bonded over the fact that both of us had "serious" boyfriends. And the fact that, she, Alex, and I were rejected by most of our classmates. Why? Well, I don't think I'll ever completely understand, but that's a very long story for another day. But we learned to survive by clinging to each other. She, Elliot (her now husband), Jason and I went to homecomings and proms together. She was the first friend I told that I was going to marry Jason after only dating him for 2 months.
Our senior year, miracles of all miracles (it seriously is) I made varsity. In fact, I was a starter. I know Jesus did this. Talk about redemption. I was by no means the "star" player. But I held my own. I will always treasure playing volleyball with my twin friends. We even got to go to state. And when graduation day came, no one was happier than the three of us. We had survived. And we did it together.
I went to UNC for college and Stevie went to Arizona and Alex traveled the globe with YWAM. But I remember calling Stevie sometime in March, telling her "I'm engaged!". And she replied, "We are getting engaged soon too!". We got married three days apart. She postponed her honeymoon so that she could attend my wedding, and I spend the week up until my wedding helping her prepare and decorate for hers.
And she was the first friend who I told, "We're pregnant!" And then two weeks later, I get a call. She tells me, "We're pregnant too!". And I replied, "Of course you are. Because we do everything together. So if I'm pregnant you have to be too."
During our pregnancies, we shared everything. We would have lunch every Tuesday. We would text each other how we were feeling or ask each other questions like "Do you think this is normal...?" We tried to determine what sex our babies were. Stevie was convinced she was having a girl. I was convinced I was having a boy. Ha! Our due dates were only a few weeks apart. We planned our baby showers two weeks apart. We rejoiced with each other and celebrated that our babies would be friends and playmates.
Then on March 22nd Stevie came to my hospital room at PVH, where she works. She was on shift that night. She came in with a brave face but I could see the fear and tears in her eyes. As I lay in the bed, still pregnant with my child, and she, with her growing child, grabbed my hand and prayed with me. She begged Him to let me keep my child, to spare me the hurt I would soon endure. And at that moment, an indescribable bond was forged between us.
When I got home from PSL after we lost Aleah, I wanted to see Stevie. I remember her coming and having the most amazing, God exulting, conversation with her. And then I remember asking her if I could touch her stomach. And she nodded. And I reached out and put my hand on her growing belly and thanked God for Cooper. In that moment, I knew I would love him. I would rejoice over him. I would see him as a symbol of God's goodness.
And so our friendship continued and grew. She has cried countless tears with me. She has listened to me for hours on end and has been nothing but supportive. She has spent countless hours on her knees for me. She has stood with me and by me through what should be the happiest time of her life. But she has decided to share my grief. To walk where I have walked, to feel what I feel. And I am so utterly grateful to her.
She went with me to pick out Aleah's headstone. And as I bawled in the car on the way home, she grabbed my hand and mirrored my grief by crying along with me. And I have sat in her living room, with her a week past her due date and laughed with her as we watch Cooper move and outgrow the space inside her. We have danced the sacred dance of sorrow and joy together. We have mirrored each other. She has known depth by sharing my sorrow and I have known fulness by sharing in her joy.
Cooper was so happy inside her that after two full weeks past her due date, they had to evict him by inducing labor. I was at work as she was in labor with him. I was receiving text message updates from Alex, God bless her. I was praying and rejoicing. I felt like I was there in spirit. And after a hard and difficult delivery, Stevie allowed me and Jason to come see Cooper.
When he was placed in my arms, I bawled. But they were tears of appreciation and joy. Of thankfulness that this little one was here and alive. Feeling the sensation of air going in and out of his lungs was so beautiful, something I never felt my child do. And of course, she cried with me. And I rejoiced with her. I wish I had words to adequately describe the beauty of that moment. Of seeing the evidence that our God brings both sunshine and rain; together they reveal indescribable beauty.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Because He's Good Like That
This morning I was in the shower. I don't know about you but I do a lot of thinking in the shower. God and I have a lot of conversations in there. There have been many times when my grief finds me there and I have no choice but to sit on the shower floor and let the water and tears wash over me. It is a place where I am naked before God, figuratively and literally (sorry if that's an over share but we all take showers right?). It is a place of vulnerability. There is nothing that can be hidden.
Today God and I were talking. And for the first time, I felt an urge to tell Him about my dreams for Aleah. This seemed somewhat odd to me because He has been teaching me how to lay down my dreams and my own will. But I reverently felt that I would be permitted to ask if I could share the dreams with Him. And He said, "Yes, tell me about them." So I started telling Him about the outfits I bought and which outfit I picked for her to be dedicated in. I told Him about all the times she would lay on my chest and fall asleep and how I would thank Him for those precious moments. I told Him how we would do everything together. And how we would spend the morning getting to know each other and giggling together. How I would try to make her smile. And how I would kiss every inch of her little body. I told Him all of it. And He listened to me with a quiet, loving patience.
And then He asked me, "Jessica, what dream did you want most for her?" And I smiled as I answered, "I wanted her to know You. And I wanted her to love You the most." I am so convinced that the Holy Spirit helps us pray. I know that weeks before Aleah would be called into Jesus' arms, I felt pressed to pray that over her. He was preparing my heart to accept her destiny and calling. I even got to be apart of her calling. The fact that I asked that of my Lord and that He faithfully saw it to fruition has brought me so much peace and joy. And I know that with my next child, He will again teach me how to pray. Because He's good like that.
Speaking of the next child, please pray for us. We feel that God has said that it is time to start trying again. So we are trying. Please pray over our minds. For me that is what is attacked most. We are praying that we will not place expectations on God, but that we would trust Him fully. We know He knows the exact moment our next child is supposed to be conceived. His timing is perfect. The waiting game is the hardest. If you have ever tried to conceive you know how hard the whole month can be wondering if it has happened. But we will trust in our mighty God. We will believe that He has good thoughts towards us. That He has a future. That He is and will continue to redeem.
Today God and I were talking. And for the first time, I felt an urge to tell Him about my dreams for Aleah. This seemed somewhat odd to me because He has been teaching me how to lay down my dreams and my own will. But I reverently felt that I would be permitted to ask if I could share the dreams with Him. And He said, "Yes, tell me about them." So I started telling Him about the outfits I bought and which outfit I picked for her to be dedicated in. I told Him about all the times she would lay on my chest and fall asleep and how I would thank Him for those precious moments. I told Him how we would do everything together. And how we would spend the morning getting to know each other and giggling together. How I would try to make her smile. And how I would kiss every inch of her little body. I told Him all of it. And He listened to me with a quiet, loving patience.
And then He asked me, "Jessica, what dream did you want most for her?" And I smiled as I answered, "I wanted her to know You. And I wanted her to love You the most." I am so convinced that the Holy Spirit helps us pray. I know that weeks before Aleah would be called into Jesus' arms, I felt pressed to pray that over her. He was preparing my heart to accept her destiny and calling. I even got to be apart of her calling. The fact that I asked that of my Lord and that He faithfully saw it to fruition has brought me so much peace and joy. And I know that with my next child, He will again teach me how to pray. Because He's good like that.
Speaking of the next child, please pray for us. We feel that God has said that it is time to start trying again. So we are trying. Please pray over our minds. For me that is what is attacked most. We are praying that we will not place expectations on God, but that we would trust Him fully. We know He knows the exact moment our next child is supposed to be conceived. His timing is perfect. The waiting game is the hardest. If you have ever tried to conceive you know how hard the whole month can be wondering if it has happened. But we will trust in our mighty God. We will believe that He has good thoughts towards us. That He has a future. That He is and will continue to redeem.
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