Excruciatingly Beautiful

I love this title. I cannot take credit for it though. Pastor Jonathan Wiggins (Rez's pastor) was talking to my Mom because she works in the Middle School office at RCS and checking up on her and how our family was doing. She gave him the run-down and told him how amazing his message had been a few weeks prior. On my due date, Saturday 16th, the message he preached was titled...are you ready for this...."Blessed are those who Mourn". Wow! I don't think I've ever had a sermon that ministered to me so directly. But in my Mom telling him some of the things that my husband and I have said and believed, Pastor Jonathan said that two words came to his mind. You guessed it...excruciatingly beautiful.

I couldn't agree more with him. Her life and death have been those two words. God is crazy! How could such a terrible loss end in beauty? Well I don't know but it is and will continue to become more beautiful. I continue to stand back and be utterly amazed by my God. I will never serve another. He has drawn me so close to His heart and taught me so many things. How could I ever trade my love for Him for anything lesser? I am totally ruined for this world. He planned that, you know. He knew the one thing that would break me of myself and the love of this world. So He took her. And we miss her. And we cry for her. But we rejoice for her. We give thanks for her. Because her little life has made tsunami waves in ours and all those around us. Glory pours out of her story. And it's all for Him. All of it.

I feel so privileged that God chose Jason and I to be her parents. That I had the high calling of carrying her in my womb for 6 beautiful months. That I am now entrusted to be her voice and tell her story. Whenever people ask me how I am doing or whenever I get to introduce them to my daughter, I love it. Because I get to tell them about the goodness of my God. He told me from the beginning that whenever I talked about her I had to talk about Him. And when I am talking about her, He bubbles up on the inside of me, waiting for me praise Him with my lips, so that He can again and again be glorified. It is powerful stuff.

No matter what you are going through or wherever you are with your walk with Jesus, know that He goes before you. He prepares the way. I am seeing this as I look back on what has happened. And I stand amazed and humbled. He has never left me, not once. In fact, He is good enough to prepare my way. When I was 14 years old, I went to a junior high camp. It was a great camp. God showed up. The very last night, the room was absolutely filled with the glory of God. I have never experienced anything like it. But after the guest speaker gave his message, he stopped and came over to where I was standing. He looked at me and said, "I have not been able to keep my eyes off you all night. God wants me to tell you that you are going to be like Daniel. You are going to be set apart. Women are going to be drawn to you." I was utterly confused. I was pretty sure he was talking to the wrong girl. I have never stood out. Girls have never sought me out. I have always been very content to have only a handful of close friendships.

As the years went by, I continued to believe that the word had been a fluke. Because no girls were being drawn to me. I did not feel set apart by God. In fact, I mostly felt rejected by girls in my high school years. So I forgot the word and moved on with my life. But God never forgets, in fact, the call of God is irrevocable.

Imagine my amazement as I have come to the realization that not only was the word real but that I am living it now. Even at the age of 14 God was preparing me for this very moment. Whoah. I have talked with so many women and been able to pray with them and hear their stories. It's like they are drawn to me... ;) And it's not because I am awesome. HE IS AWESOME! He deserves all honor, glory, and praise. Oh Lord how good You are. I lift up Your name. I thank you for ALL You have done. I thank you that You go before us. That You know the plans You have. That if we will be open and available You will use us. You pick the weak to humble the strong. Thank you for Your sacrifice. For loving us enough to die a terrible death. You have purchased righteousness for us (if you haven't heard Todd White you need to. His message on righteousness is blowing my mind and has changed my whole view on my walk with God-check him out).

This picture is excruciatingly beautiful. This is my daughter. The most precious thing I have ever held in the palm of my hand. There is a sacredness about her. I hope you can see that.