My best friend Stevie delivered her beautiful baby boy on August 16th at 11:00 in the morning. He is beautiful and perfect. And it was a moment I had been anticipating for months. If you have the time, please let me show you the beauty of this friendship and how God has interwoven our lives together to create something to give thanksgiving and praise for.
Stevie and her twin sister Alex and I went to school together when we were in first grade. But after second grade, I went to several other different schools. But our sophomore year of high school we were reunited. They and a group of friends all had decided to move with Mrs. Radford to RCS to finish school. I was planning on going to Poudre High School, but God told me that I was supposed to go to RCS. I call this my "Jonah" phase. Because I did NOT want to be there. And I let people know it too. I was probably one of the most unapproachable students because I was angry at God for ruining my plans (see I have planning issues). To top it off, my Mom was the athletic director and convinced me to go out for volleyball.
If you have never played volleyball before, let me tell you, it is not a sport that you can easily pick up. It is a sport that requires repetition in order to master its skills. I had never played the sport in my life and everyone in my class had been playing since they were knee high. They all made varsity. I made Junior Varsity....only because we did not have a C team because if we had, I'm pretty sure I would have been on it. And being apart of the volleyball team meant that every August, Mrs. Radford would take us on a team trip to Texas. There we would stay at her friend's lake house and play several games against local teams. This would have been a blast if 1) I had not been determined to be miserable and make everyone else around me feel my misery 2) I had been able to decently play the sport of volleyball.
Alex and Stevie both made varsity. And not only did they make varsity, but they were starters. Stevie was our setter and Alex one of our outside hitters. And Alex got the delightful task of "befriending me". She would talk to me, ask me how I was doing, and be kind to me when I was making it difficult. I will never forget her generosity. And gradually a friendship began to grow between the twins and myself.
Our junior year, Stevie and I bonded over the fact that both of us had "serious" boyfriends. And the fact that, she, Alex, and I were rejected by most of our classmates. Why? Well, I don't think I'll ever completely understand, but that's a very long story for another day. But we learned to survive by clinging to each other. She, Elliot (her now husband), Jason and I went to homecomings and proms together. She was the first friend I told that I was going to marry Jason after only dating him for 2 months.
Our senior year, miracles of all miracles (it seriously is) I made varsity. In fact, I was a starter. I know Jesus did this. Talk about redemption. I was by no means the "star" player. But I held my own. I will always treasure playing volleyball with my twin friends. We even got to go to state. And when graduation day came, no one was happier than the three of us. We had survived. And we did it together.
I went to UNC for college and Stevie went to Arizona and Alex traveled the globe with YWAM. But I remember calling Stevie sometime in March, telling her "I'm engaged!". And she replied, "We are getting engaged soon too!". We got married three days apart. She postponed her honeymoon so that she could attend my wedding, and I spend the week up until my wedding helping her prepare and decorate for hers.
And she was the first friend who I told, "We're pregnant!" And then two weeks later, I get a call. She tells me, "We're pregnant too!". And I replied, "Of course you are. Because we do everything together. So if I'm pregnant you have to be too."
During our pregnancies, we shared everything. We would have lunch every Tuesday. We would text each other how we were feeling or ask each other questions like "Do you think this is normal...?" We tried to determine what sex our babies were. Stevie was convinced she was having a girl. I was convinced I was having a boy. Ha! Our due dates were only a few weeks apart. We planned our baby showers two weeks apart. We rejoiced with each other and celebrated that our babies would be friends and playmates.
Then on March 22nd Stevie came to my hospital room at PVH, where she works. She was on shift that night. She came in with a brave face but I could see the fear and tears in her eyes. As I lay in the bed, still pregnant with my child, and she, with her growing child, grabbed my hand and prayed with me. She begged Him to let me keep my child, to spare me the hurt I would soon endure. And at that moment, an indescribable bond was forged between us.
When I got home from PSL after we lost Aleah, I wanted to see Stevie. I remember her coming and having the most amazing, God exulting, conversation with her. And then I remember asking her if I could touch her stomach. And she nodded. And I reached out and put my hand on her growing belly and thanked God for Cooper. In that moment, I knew I would love him. I would rejoice over him. I would see him as a symbol of God's goodness.
And so our friendship continued and grew. She has cried countless tears with me. She has listened to me for hours on end and has been nothing but supportive. She has spent countless hours on her knees for me. She has stood with me and by me through what should be the happiest time of her life. But she has decided to share my grief. To walk where I have walked, to feel what I feel. And I am so utterly grateful to her.
She went with me to pick out Aleah's headstone. And as I bawled in the car on the way home, she grabbed my hand and mirrored my grief by crying along with me. And I have sat in her living room, with her a week past her due date and laughed with her as we watch Cooper move and outgrow the space inside her. We have danced the sacred dance of sorrow and joy together. We have mirrored each other. She has known depth by sharing my sorrow and I have known fulness by sharing in her joy.
Cooper was so happy inside her that after two full weeks past her due date, they had to evict him by inducing labor. I was at work as she was in labor with him. I was receiving text message updates from Alex, God bless her. I was praying and rejoicing. I felt like I was there in spirit. And after a hard and difficult delivery, Stevie allowed me and Jason to come see Cooper.
When he was placed in my arms, I bawled. But they were tears of appreciation and joy. Of thankfulness that this little one was here and alive. Feeling the sensation of air going in and out of his lungs was so beautiful, something I never felt my child do. And of course, she cried with me. And I rejoiced with her. I wish I had words to adequately describe the beauty of that moment. Of seeing the evidence that our God brings both sunshine and rain; together they reveal indescribable beauty.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Because He's Good Like That
This morning I was in the shower. I don't know about you but I do a lot of thinking in the shower. God and I have a lot of conversations in there. There have been many times when my grief finds me there and I have no choice but to sit on the shower floor and let the water and tears wash over me. It is a place where I am naked before God, figuratively and literally (sorry if that's an over share but we all take showers right?). It is a place of vulnerability. There is nothing that can be hidden.
Today God and I were talking. And for the first time, I felt an urge to tell Him about my dreams for Aleah. This seemed somewhat odd to me because He has been teaching me how to lay down my dreams and my own will. But I reverently felt that I would be permitted to ask if I could share the dreams with Him. And He said, "Yes, tell me about them." So I started telling Him about the outfits I bought and which outfit I picked for her to be dedicated in. I told Him about all the times she would lay on my chest and fall asleep and how I would thank Him for those precious moments. I told Him how we would do everything together. And how we would spend the morning getting to know each other and giggling together. How I would try to make her smile. And how I would kiss every inch of her little body. I told Him all of it. And He listened to me with a quiet, loving patience.
And then He asked me, "Jessica, what dream did you want most for her?" And I smiled as I answered, "I wanted her to know You. And I wanted her to love You the most." I am so convinced that the Holy Spirit helps us pray. I know that weeks before Aleah would be called into Jesus' arms, I felt pressed to pray that over her. He was preparing my heart to accept her destiny and calling. I even got to be apart of her calling. The fact that I asked that of my Lord and that He faithfully saw it to fruition has brought me so much peace and joy. And I know that with my next child, He will again teach me how to pray. Because He's good like that.
Speaking of the next child, please pray for us. We feel that God has said that it is time to start trying again. So we are trying. Please pray over our minds. For me that is what is attacked most. We are praying that we will not place expectations on God, but that we would trust Him fully. We know He knows the exact moment our next child is supposed to be conceived. His timing is perfect. The waiting game is the hardest. If you have ever tried to conceive you know how hard the whole month can be wondering if it has happened. But we will trust in our mighty God. We will believe that He has good thoughts towards us. That He has a future. That He is and will continue to redeem.
Today God and I were talking. And for the first time, I felt an urge to tell Him about my dreams for Aleah. This seemed somewhat odd to me because He has been teaching me how to lay down my dreams and my own will. But I reverently felt that I would be permitted to ask if I could share the dreams with Him. And He said, "Yes, tell me about them." So I started telling Him about the outfits I bought and which outfit I picked for her to be dedicated in. I told Him about all the times she would lay on my chest and fall asleep and how I would thank Him for those precious moments. I told Him how we would do everything together. And how we would spend the morning getting to know each other and giggling together. How I would try to make her smile. And how I would kiss every inch of her little body. I told Him all of it. And He listened to me with a quiet, loving patience.
And then He asked me, "Jessica, what dream did you want most for her?" And I smiled as I answered, "I wanted her to know You. And I wanted her to love You the most." I am so convinced that the Holy Spirit helps us pray. I know that weeks before Aleah would be called into Jesus' arms, I felt pressed to pray that over her. He was preparing my heart to accept her destiny and calling. I even got to be apart of her calling. The fact that I asked that of my Lord and that He faithfully saw it to fruition has brought me so much peace and joy. And I know that with my next child, He will again teach me how to pray. Because He's good like that.
Speaking of the next child, please pray for us. We feel that God has said that it is time to start trying again. So we are trying. Please pray over our minds. For me that is what is attacked most. We are praying that we will not place expectations on God, but that we would trust Him fully. We know He knows the exact moment our next child is supposed to be conceived. His timing is perfect. The waiting game is the hardest. If you have ever tried to conceive you know how hard the whole month can be wondering if it has happened. But we will trust in our mighty God. We will believe that He has good thoughts towards us. That He has a future. That He is and will continue to redeem.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Excruciatingly Beautiful
I love this title. I cannot take credit for it though. Pastor Jonathan Wiggins (Rez's pastor) was talking to my Mom because she works in the Middle School office at RCS and checking up on her and how our family was doing. She gave him the run-down and told him how amazing his message had been a few weeks prior. On my due date, Saturday 16th, the message he preached was titled...are you ready for this...."Blessed are those who Mourn". Wow! I don't think I've ever had a sermon that ministered to me so directly. But in my Mom telling him some of the things that my husband and I have said and believed, Pastor Jonathan said that two words came to his mind. You guessed it...excruciatingly beautiful.
I couldn't agree more with him. Her life and death have been those two words. God is crazy! How could such a terrible loss end in beauty? Well I don't know but it is and will continue to become more beautiful. I continue to stand back and be utterly amazed by my God. I will never serve another. He has drawn me so close to His heart and taught me so many things. How could I ever trade my love for Him for anything lesser? I am totally ruined for this world. He planned that, you know. He knew the one thing that would break me of myself and the love of this world. So He took her. And we miss her. And we cry for her. But we rejoice for her. We give thanks for her. Because her little life has made tsunami waves in ours and all those around us. Glory pours out of her story. And it's all for Him. All of it.
I feel so privileged that God chose Jason and I to be her parents. That I had the high calling of carrying her in my womb for 6 beautiful months. That I am now entrusted to be her voice and tell her story. Whenever people ask me how I am doing or whenever I get to introduce them to my daughter, I love it. Because I get to tell them about the goodness of my God. He told me from the beginning that whenever I talked about her I had to talk about Him. And when I am talking about her, He bubbles up on the inside of me, waiting for me praise Him with my lips, so that He can again and again be glorified. It is powerful stuff.
No matter what you are going through or wherever you are with your walk with Jesus, know that He goes before you. He prepares the way. I am seeing this as I look back on what has happened. And I stand amazed and humbled. He has never left me, not once. In fact, He is good enough to prepare my way. When I was 14 years old, I went to a junior high camp. It was a great camp. God showed up. The very last night, the room was absolutely filled with the glory of God. I have never experienced anything like it. But after the guest speaker gave his message, he stopped and came over to where I was standing. He looked at me and said, "I have not been able to keep my eyes off you all night. God wants me to tell you that you are going to be like Daniel. You are going to be set apart. Women are going to be drawn to you." I was utterly confused. I was pretty sure he was talking to the wrong girl. I have never stood out. Girls have never sought me out. I have always been very content to have only a handful of close friendships.
As the years went by, I continued to believe that the word had been a fluke. Because no girls were being drawn to me. I did not feel set apart by God. In fact, I mostly felt rejected by girls in my high school years. So I forgot the word and moved on with my life. But God never forgets, in fact, the call of God is irrevocable.
Imagine my amazement as I have come to the realization that not only was the word real but that I am living it now. Even at the age of 14 God was preparing me for this very moment. Whoah. I have talked with so many women and been able to pray with them and hear their stories. It's like they are drawn to me... ;) And it's not because I am awesome. HE IS AWESOME! He deserves all honor, glory, and praise. Oh Lord how good You are. I lift up Your name. I thank you for ALL You have done. I thank you that You go before us. That You know the plans You have. That if we will be open and available You will use us. You pick the weak to humble the strong. Thank you for Your sacrifice. For loving us enough to die a terrible death. You have purchased righteousness for us (if you haven't heard Todd White you need to. His message on righteousness is blowing my mind and has changed my whole view on my walk with God-check him out).
This picture is excruciatingly beautiful. This is my daughter. The most precious thing I have ever held in the palm of my hand. There is a sacredness about her. I hope you can see that.
I couldn't agree more with him. Her life and death have been those two words. God is crazy! How could such a terrible loss end in beauty? Well I don't know but it is and will continue to become more beautiful. I continue to stand back and be utterly amazed by my God. I will never serve another. He has drawn me so close to His heart and taught me so many things. How could I ever trade my love for Him for anything lesser? I am totally ruined for this world. He planned that, you know. He knew the one thing that would break me of myself and the love of this world. So He took her. And we miss her. And we cry for her. But we rejoice for her. We give thanks for her. Because her little life has made tsunami waves in ours and all those around us. Glory pours out of her story. And it's all for Him. All of it.
I feel so privileged that God chose Jason and I to be her parents. That I had the high calling of carrying her in my womb for 6 beautiful months. That I am now entrusted to be her voice and tell her story. Whenever people ask me how I am doing or whenever I get to introduce them to my daughter, I love it. Because I get to tell them about the goodness of my God. He told me from the beginning that whenever I talked about her I had to talk about Him. And when I am talking about her, He bubbles up on the inside of me, waiting for me praise Him with my lips, so that He can again and again be glorified. It is powerful stuff.
No matter what you are going through or wherever you are with your walk with Jesus, know that He goes before you. He prepares the way. I am seeing this as I look back on what has happened. And I stand amazed and humbled. He has never left me, not once. In fact, He is good enough to prepare my way. When I was 14 years old, I went to a junior high camp. It was a great camp. God showed up. The very last night, the room was absolutely filled with the glory of God. I have never experienced anything like it. But after the guest speaker gave his message, he stopped and came over to where I was standing. He looked at me and said, "I have not been able to keep my eyes off you all night. God wants me to tell you that you are going to be like Daniel. You are going to be set apart. Women are going to be drawn to you." I was utterly confused. I was pretty sure he was talking to the wrong girl. I have never stood out. Girls have never sought me out. I have always been very content to have only a handful of close friendships.
As the years went by, I continued to believe that the word had been a fluke. Because no girls were being drawn to me. I did not feel set apart by God. In fact, I mostly felt rejected by girls in my high school years. So I forgot the word and moved on with my life. But God never forgets, in fact, the call of God is irrevocable.
Imagine my amazement as I have come to the realization that not only was the word real but that I am living it now. Even at the age of 14 God was preparing me for this very moment. Whoah. I have talked with so many women and been able to pray with them and hear their stories. It's like they are drawn to me... ;) And it's not because I am awesome. HE IS AWESOME! He deserves all honor, glory, and praise. Oh Lord how good You are. I lift up Your name. I thank you for ALL You have done. I thank you that You go before us. That You know the plans You have. That if we will be open and available You will use us. You pick the weak to humble the strong. Thank you for Your sacrifice. For loving us enough to die a terrible death. You have purchased righteousness for us (if you haven't heard Todd White you need to. His message on righteousness is blowing my mind and has changed my whole view on my walk with God-check him out).
This picture is excruciatingly beautiful. This is my daughter. The most precious thing I have ever held in the palm of my hand. There is a sacredness about her. I hope you can see that.
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