Back to School

Last week was my first week back at school. It was good to have a place to go and a purpose for going there. My students did not know about Aleah or why I was absent a few days before Spring Break. Telling them about my loss hurt. But I felt like they deserved to know because when I was pregnant with her, they would constantly ask me about her (I think they also knew that if they could get me talking about her they wouldn't have to do school work). They would ask me if she was kicking, how big she was, or what I was going to name her. They had many suggestions to what I should name her, such as Timantha...(8th graders are weird) or their own name. When I told them she had died, their little eyes became wide with the news. What surprised me the most was how concerned they were about how I was feeling. They wanted to know that I would be ok. That touched me that they cared. So far, they have been so good about being careful around me. When I told them about Aleah, I allowed them to ask me questions, but then told them that I did not want to talk about her after their questions were answered. They have honored my request, but they still check in with me everyday by asking me how I am doing.

As I enter into the last two weeks of student teaching, I find myself asking, "What next God"? I had planned to stay home with Aleah once she was born. Raising Aleah and her future brothers or sisters at home is what I had hoped for and dreamed of. Now those hopes and dreams are shattered. I find myself surrounded by my grief and unsure where to go next. I have found myself asking, "God what do you require of me?" I know that God's will is being done in my life; I don't always understand what He is doing or why He is doing it, but I am convinced that nothing has occurred that He has not sanctioned or planned.

In this time of darkness, I have been running into the arms of my savior. Asking Him to reveal His plans for me, asking Him to give me peace, asking Him to draw near to me. Sometimes I feel His love and grace so strongly, but then other times I feel so alone and like my grief will swallow me whole. I now have such a better understanding of what David was saying in the Psalms when he cries out to God and asks, why have you forsaken me, why have you turned your face from me? Though I know in my head that God will never leave me or forsake me, sometimes in the dark of the night you cannot see Him or feel His presence. I guess this is where faith comes in. My faith is being tested like never before. Even though I cannot feel Him like I am used to, I believe. Even though my dreams and hopes have been shattered, I will trust Him.

Sometimes there is anger in me. I am frustrated and confused. But I have learned something. God is not afraid of my anger. He is not threatened by my frustrations. For the first few weeks after Aleah died I was trying so hard not to be angry. I was trying so hard to be faithful to my Jesus by not admitting the feelings that raged beneath the surface. Finally, a few days ago I had it out with God. I was making chocolate chip cookies in my kitchen and was feeling awful. I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to speak my feeling out-loud. I told him that he did not want to hear what I had to say. He told me even if it was ugly to speak it. I did. I released my hurt, my anger, my frustration. My dog must have thought I was crazy as I dropped cookie dough onto the cookie sheets while I cried and raged at God. I learned something. God is big enough to take my anger. He showed me that I am His child. Sometimes children do not understand why their parents do things or why they allow things to happen to their children. But my Father is a good Father. He loves me enough to listen to my anger and frustration and still want to wrap me in His arms and let me cry. Keeping my feeling inside did nothing but cause me harm. God knew my thoughts and feeling before I ever spoke them. God has told me that in this time of grief all He wants from me is to bring everything to Him. I will bring Him my hurt, my anger, my pain, my praise, my worship, my confusion, and my love for my daughter. Everyday I will bring it to him and lay it all at His feet. I surrender all. All of it. Because He is mighty and able, He is my strength. He is my hero.