The past week has been an insane, whirlwind, roller coaster that I just can't get off of. In fact, this whole process has felt like one giant roller coaster. One of the nurses at PSL kept saying to me, "You did not sign up for this." At first glance, I would agree I didn't sign up for this...cue the Holy Spirit. "Jessica who did you give your life to?" Oh. Yeah. See I may not have signed up for this, but He signed me up. He has overridden my plans. He has veto power.
The phrase "God is in control" has never meant more to me than it does now. Because He is. And my soul knows that more than it ever has because I have tried to feebly hold on to my dreams, my plans, my will. I just hate that there is no where in the Bible where it says, "Jessica's will be done."
I have had to learn this lesson over and over in the past three months. I keep asking Him, "Haven't I already learned this lesson? I know You have control." And He replies, "Learn it better." Yes, that's exactly what He told me, learn it better. I must admit I was rather frustrated with Him at that point. "Really God? After all You have been putting me through, You say, 'Learn it better'?" Yes. Really.
So here I am. A place I did not ever envision being, with burdens so heavy sometimes I just want to crumble underneath their incredible weight. And it is quiet. He is with me but it is getting hard to see Him and even harder to hear His voice. I am stripped of my dreams. I am naked and wounded. As I wallow and indulge myself in self-pity, suddenly I remember. I remember, the One who was brutally beaten, mocked, spit upon, whipped, and pierced for me. He was wounded and naked for all the world to see. He knows how I feel.
Jesus has been teaching me to love Him more than my dreams and my own will. He has been teaching me to lay my "self", my will, on His alter and offer myself as a sacrifice. Self is a stubborn thing. It hates to die. Even as He is transforming me and even after all He has brought me through, sometimes I forget. I forget that He reigns. That He is higher. That who am I to be dictating my plans to my Creator?
This last month, I thought I was pregnant. The thought of new life growing inside me brought me the most exhilarating joy. My period was due to start on Father's Day. "How perfect Lord! What a wonderful Father's day gift that would be!" I told Him, desperately wanting Him to agree with me. I took a pregnancy test early that morning. Negative. Disappointment visited me once again. Several days passed and no period came. I began to hope that perhaps the test was wrong. I decided to retest on Thursday which just happened to be June 23rd, the 3 month anniversary of Aleah's birth and death. "Lord, please. To be given another child three months after You took her would be wonderful." I pleaded. Negative.
In my journal that day I wrote, "All right, here's where I am: disappointment, frustration, and sorrow. This sucks. It feels like I just can't take anymore. I feel on the verge of breakdown. I have never felt weaker than I do at this moment. I feel so utterly alone. I know my God is good but it doesn't feel that way right now. The dream of fertility has kept me going these past three months. Now that it is stripped away, I am naked, wandering in the cold night with no idea where I am going because the darkness is so thick. I strain to hear Your voice but all I hear is the snake telling me to give up all hope. To curse this day. I am weary of fighting him. Lord save me. Carry me because I don't think I can take another step. I don't even have the energy to shed tears. Be my salvation. I've never needed You more."
But I must remember He is good. I must remember He is faithful. His grace is enough for EVERY moment, for every dark night that my soul endures. And I will endure and not be crushed because He holds me in His hands.
I have been reading chapters of the Bible for my quiet times. I started with Psalms and John and then have moved chronologically from there. So at this point I was reading Proverbs and Romans. On June 23rd, I was reading in Romans 8. I did not seek this chapter out but was just reading it because that was the next chapter to read. And God used that chapter to speak right into my life. If you get a chance, read Romans 8 it's fantastic for anyone no matter where you are at. But I know that He planned for me to read that chapter on June 23rd. This verse jumped out to me and I know that God was using it to minister to my soul. It says,
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation (Jessica) waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation (Jessica) was subjected to frustration (all morning I told God how frustrated I was), not by her own choice (preach it), but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation (Jessica) will be liberated from her bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8:18-21
This is also the same passage where Paul tells us that we are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus. So when I am empty, when I cannot take another step. He comes. He ministers to me. He gives me grace...just enough because He is good. Today I was trying to figure out how to end this post. In my quiet time, God gave me this verse. It's in Romans 8:24-25 it says:
"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait patiently for it."
So I will wait. I will bring praise. I will hope in the Lord.
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