Home

Home. My favorite place. My favorite people are there. My favorite sounds, smells, and sights live there. Home to me means comfort. Oh how I love comfort. I love consistency and home is that for me.

I loved my home as a child, and as I grew I dreamed of the day that I would make my own home, with my own husband, and my own babies. I am one of the most domestic young women that I know of. I love to cook and bake. I love the feeling of rising early and having a clean home to show for it. I love to scrapbook and do "crafty" things. I am a mini Martha-Stewart. I have always dreamed of being a stay-at-home Mama. It would be no sacrifice for me.

For a while, my perfect home was coming together very nicely. I married my prince on a beautiful day in July. A year later we purchased our 3 bedroom 21/2 bath castle. And a year after that, I delivered my princess. Except, she didn't get to come home with us.

I came back to my home broken and shattered. It no longer symbolized the happiness and joy I had always longed for. Instead, it became a reminder of my broken and shattered dreams. All the beautiful plans and dreams I had made for my family lay in rubble. There would be no crying coming from the little room across from our bedroom. I would not take her to my neighborhood park on a bright spring day. She would not learn to crawl on the tan, plush carpet. She would never see the beautiful decorations and furniture that awaited her in her nursery. No, all those dreams had died with her.

I no longer wanted my home. It had disapointed me. It had not measured up to what I had hoped it would be. And then the lover of my soul asked me, "Jessica is this really your home?" Silence. All of these years I had been trying to create the perfect home with the perfect marriage, perfect future children, perfect decore, perfect cooking ect. I had thought that they would bring me true happiness and joy. How hollow these dreams seem to me now.

Lord, I repent of forgetting where my home is. How glad I am that this is not it. You see, I was right to desire home. I was created to desire and long for it, except I confused and settled for this earth. Now, I smile and know that all is not lost. In fact, the best is yet to come because we are not home yet.

My daughter is home. It has been said "home is where the heart is". How true that is. She has my heart; and she is home. Jesus, You have gone to prepare a place for us. So that where You are we may be also. This is what my heart has been longing for. It is longing to be made perfect. Speaking of longing, I miss her incredibly. I ache. I physically hurt to have her in my arms. When I see a mother embracing her children, my breath is taken away and pain consumes me. I do not know if I will ever get used to this sensation. I have been told that over time it will become easier to manage. But not a day, hour, or minute goes by that I do not feel her absence. She never did anything to deserve my love but there it was all the same and it continues to grow.

I was curling my hair in my bathroom the other morning. My heart was particularly heavy. I began to cry because I was missing my Aleah bear. And I asked the Lord, "Do You know how much this hurts? Do you know how much I long for her?" And He replied, "The way you long for her, is the way I long for you." I stood in my bathroom amazed. Yes, I have always known that God loves me. Yes, I know it is a great love and I have felt it. But you see, until you have had a child you do not know loves full potential. I know how much I love her and for Him to say He loves me that much humbles me. Oh how He loves! If you are ever doubting His love, please take heart and know that it is bigger than you are. It was the most perfect, fulfilling thing you could ever experience. His love is home. And because of love, He will be taking us to our real home.