I don't know why but this blog post has intimidated me. I feel like I want it to be the most perfect, articulate piece of writing that will adequately sum up all the emotions that are coursing through me right now. I don't know how successful I will be...but here goes.
Judah Benjamin is here! He is the most fascinating little person I've ever encountered. I find myself just lying on my couch most days staring at him with complete and utter wonder. I know I am his mother and therefore am completely biased but he is the most beautiful, handsome baby. And he smells amazing too.
This time with him has been so emotionally rewarding. Every day I wake up (and by day I mean every three hours), I look at my little boy and smile. He is my dream. He is a constant reminder that my Jesus sees my heart and my desires.
This March will be the second anniversary of Aleah's birth and death and the first anniversary of my miscarriage. So many times in those two years, I wondered, "God do you hear me? Do you see me?" And for a time, especially after my miscarriage, I was afraid to dream, to wish, to desire things because I had been met time after time with disappointment and pain. The moment when my heart began to try and close itself shut and relinquish all hope, Jesus stepped in and taught me to dream again.
Last year in early May, Jason and my Dad went up to a men's retreat that our church hosted in Estes Park. After one of the morning teaching sessions, Jason returned home and came into our bedroom. I was lying in bed having some quiet time with the Lord and during that quiet time I had been praying that God would give Jason and I some direction. But I especially prayed that it would come through Jason because I felt so beaten up and worn down.
Jason walks in and starts to tell me about the morning session he attended. Just as I prayed, God showed Jason many things. The theme of his encounter was God calling him to dream again, to ask Him for things, and to believe that He would bring them to pass. If I could characterize Jason and my relationship with God during the losses of our children it would be when Jacob wrestled with the angel. Jacob would not let go until God blessed him. I purposed in my heart that I would not let go until God blessed me and in that room Jason vocalized that exact idea. Jason told me that God was telling him to dream again, and that he was going to do it and would not stop until God answered.
I cried as Jason told me about his dreams. The biggest dream that God birthed in Jason that weekend was that we were going to adopt a child. We were going to rescue a child not so that we could find a way to be parents, but so that we could be Jesus to that little one. As he spoke, I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to voice my own dreams. Part of me balked at the idea and critically thought, "Why should I? Anytime I have asked for something in the past 2 years it turns to ashes." But He continued to knock at the door of my heart, as if to say, "One more time. Ask me one more time." So reluctantly I did.
I told Jason one of my greatest dreams was to carry a child full term. Just one. This was my dream and it seemed impossible. But as Jesus has said in His word, with God all things are possible. Though I did not know it, at that very moment that I verbally acknowledged my dream, I was pregnant with Judah. Isn't that like God? He knew my desires and dreams even before I had asked Him. But I believe it was important that I ask, and I am so thankful that I did.
As I type, my little dream in peacefully sleeping on my chest. His full head of brown hair caresses the bottom of my chin. And tears run down my face at the sweetness of this moment. Jesus has ALWAYS been faithful. His faithfulness is not measured by the number of children that I have in my arms today. His goodness is not quaralated to how many of my desires are fulfilled in my timing, in my way. But He does see them. He is aware of them. He knows my heart. And He has answered.
We named our son Judah because of the meaning of that name. His name means praise. God very clearly told me to praise Him in every circumstance when I was in the hospital preparing to give birth to Aleah. And we did. Here is our little lion of praise. He is the most beautiful little dream.
