It has been far too long since I have posted anything. But in my defense, teaching 150 students, being pregnant, and trying to be a good wife has dominated my time. I did not know how working full time would be. I am so delightfully surprised to learn that I love teaching. Now, some days I come home and cry or am ready to become a liscensed gun carrier. But most days, I come home happy from a hard days work. My middle school students are crazy, demanding, and full of energy but I really love teaching them, especially when they actually learn something. Nothing feels more rewarding.
Judah Benjamin is growing strong. His size amazes me. I am able at times to distinguish body parts which awes and creeps me out all at the same time. This pregnancy with him has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I have come to terms with a simple fact of life: my body hates to be pregnant. For some reason, pregnancy and my body are just not friends. In fact, I think if you were to characterize my body and pregnancy into historical figures they would get along about as well as Hitler and Buddha. Yet, the Lord in His faithfulness has sustained this child despite my body. I have had more complications than I care to share. I have been in the hospital 4 times. I am labeled "high risk" in multiple catagories. Yet His Name is higher than every label that is put upon me.
Pregnancy is my Everest. This journey has been so long and difficult. I am overjoyed at the thought that I am in the home stretch. My cerclage will be removed in less than 5 weeks. At that point, Judah could come at any time. The Lord has promised me from the beginning that Judah will "come in fullness". At the time, I wasn't completely sure what that meant. But I know now that Judah will come right when he is supposed to and not a moment before.
There have been times where I have been so weary and discouraged during this long hard journey. Yet my Jesus has never left me once. He has been faithful carry me when I cannot walk another step. He has shown me again and again how His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He has taught me to overcome. Not by my own pitiful will or ability but because of who I am in Him. Because He overcame. And because He overcame, I can. Everytime I go into a hospital or am diagnosed with a new complication, I heard Him whisper, "overcome".
I was doing my hair in the bathroom a few weeks ago and was reflecting on how far I had come in this pregnancy and yet how far I had to go. I told Judah, "You have no idea what has been done to make sure that you make it into this world." And then I saw myself sometime in the future, cupping his little face and telling him, "But you were worth it." Then I thought of Aleah. And I smiled to myself and looked to heaven and told her, "You were worth it too. All the pain and sorrow. I would do it again because meeting you was worth it." Then I thought of the child I have never met. The child I miscarried right before we became pregnant with Judah. I believe one day when I pass over to glory I will get to meet that child and tell them, "You were worth it too." As I thought about my three children and the love I have for each of them though I don't know them, I saw Jesus come to me. He cupped my face with his nail-scared hands and said, "You were worth the cross."
His love is like nothing I have ever experienced. It continually has the ability to absolutely blow my mind, make me feel completion, and give me a hope like nothing else can. He is extravagently good. He is worthy of all the praise and adoration this heart can give. I pray that today you seek and find the Father heart of God. I pray that He will fill you with His presence so that you will be changed everytime you encounter Him. Abba, there is none like You. Praise and blessing to your Name.
