When I wrote The Promise I never thought that there would be a second part. But it gives me such great pleasure and joy to tell you all that there is. I mentioned in my last post that I have wanted a promise from God directly about my future and if that future included children. Well, after 9 long months of pleading with Him to tell me anything about that aspect of my life, on December 18th He did. We were at church and a word was given. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this word was for Jason and I. But before I divulge the promise, let me give you a little background.
Every month since we lost Aleah, my body still has pregnancy symptoms. For me, the symptoms can be the most cruel form of torture because I feel pregnant but every month ends in negative pregnancy tests and my heart breaks just a little more from the pain and disappointment. And the month of December was no different. I had taken a test on Friday December16th which came back negative. I did not cry when I saw the result but accepted the disappointment as I have learned to do after month after month of negative results. Jason told me how proud he was of me that I didn't cry this time, it was the first time that I had not dissolved in tears.
The next day we went to Wray, Colorado to see one of Jason's good friends from college. The drive to Wray is about 3 and a half hours long. I don't know about you, but the car seems to be a catalyst for arguments for Jason and I. And how stupid is it to get in a fight in the car? It is a small metal box which you can not easily escape when driving 65 miles an hour down an empty stretch of asphalt highway. Then you add the tension of the argument and the knowing that you cannot escape the other person. You are stuck. Of all the big blow-up fights I can think of, the majority of them occurred in the car. And you guessed it, the storm clouds rolled in to create the perfect storm. The drive there was mostly pleasant but a few things were said that hinted that storm clouds were on the horizon but we both tried our best to ignore them.
The visit with Jason's friend was wonderful. We got to see her house and cute little puppy. But when she began to ask us about how we were doing with trying to become pregnant, it became crystal clear that Jason and I were on two different wave lengths.
When we tried to get pregnant with Aleah it took a whole 2 months of trying and...bam! We were pregnant. It has not been so this time around. And in my mind, I was ready to start consulting a fertility doctor. Jason, on the other hand, firmly believes that my body is just fine and that we will become pregnant right when we are suppossed to. He also has told me repeatedly that, if God does not give us another child, it will be perfectly alright, not because we don't want more children, but because it is His will for us and His will is perfect.
Jason's words sound so good. And I knew that he had the right of it, but those words did not stop my heart from breaking every time I saw a pregnant woman, blooming with her child safely inside her, something I had not been able to do for mine. His words troubled me because having children has been one of my greatest and deepest desires. I have shared this desire with my Lord nearly everyday. I believed fully that my God could give me another child, but I did not know if He would. And I did not want to demand anything from Him because who am I to tell Him what He needs to do and how He needs to do it?
Right after Aleah died, for a while I did have an entitled attitude. I thought to myself, "Surely, You will give me more children God. Don't I deserve a child after all I have been through?" And He asked me, "Jessica, can you pry blessings from My hands?". That silenced me. I repented in my heart and knew that He was the giver of blessings. I could not force Him to do anything. So for 9 months, I asked Him to reveal His will. I asked for direction. I asked that if no more children were in our future that He would quiet my desire for them. But all I heard was silence. He spoke to me volumes on anything else in the world, but He never said one word about this.
When Jason and I got back in the car, a tornado of a fight was headed full steam towards us. We finally said all the things to each other that we had been thinking the past 9 months when it came to our fertility. I didn't know what to do. I have felt like a small boat being tossed back and forth by waves of decisions. Should we adopt? Should we go to a fertility doctor? Should we go on clomid? Should we do nothing and wait on the Lord? I had no answers. When Jason in a voice of resignation and frustration asked, "Jess, what do you want me to do? I don't think we should go see a fertility doctor which will cost money we don't have, but if that's what you want I'll do it. I don't think we will get pregnant if we do it, but if this is what you want we'll do it." And I screamed back, "I don't know what to do. I want to do what God wants but He won't say a single word to me about it. HE IS SILENT!" Cue large ugly sobs.
And just as quickly as the storm clouds rolled in, they departed. And my husband held my hand and cried with me. He told me how much he loved me and that he couldn't stand to see me so torn apart. He made me promise that from this day forward we were going to trust God. That we were never going to try to manipulate and plan our way through our life without Him. We had tried that once and it didn't work so well. Jason told me that we were going to choose joy everyday. That we were going to bless God everyday no matter what our circumstances were. And I agreed. I surrendered.
The next morning we went to church. I felt myself worship God freely. I had layed my heavy burdens at His feet and just worshiped. Then one of our pastors, Pastor Dianne, got up to share the words of knowledge that had been given. Usually, at this point in the service, the words have all my attention because for months I had waited to see if God would tell me anything. But this week, I did not hope for a word. So while I was not paying attention, all the sudden I start hearing the words, "There is a couple here that has trying to become pregnant and God wants you to know that you are going to become pregnant!" Jason and I looked at each other in shock and began to cry. There was a tiny voice inside my head that said, "But is this really for you?" And then Pastor Dianne looks at Jason and I and starts laughing as she says, "Oh, this is for you guys isn't it?". Then I knew, God was giving me my promise.
I was in such a state of shock that I barely remember what people prayed over us. But I do remember one woman kept saying the word, "promise" over and over. Also, my best friend Stevie saw on facebook the day before that we were leaving to go to what Jason called "Nebraska" because Wray is so far east. She thought that I was not there when the word was given, and she leaned over to her Mom and said, "I am so sad Jess isn't here. This word is for her, I just know it." And her Mom said, "No she's right over there."
When I looked up through a veil of tears, I saw my best friend by my side. She has prayed for me every single day, that I would become pregnant. It was extremely special that she could be there with me, when God gave me this promise because He was answering her prayers too.
So I don't know when and I don't know how, but I know that He has promised. I believe Him. His word that it will happen is as good as a positive pregnancy test. Without faith it is impossible to please God, so I openly declare that I will become pregnant because He said so. Rejoice with me and give thanks to our Lord and King.
