Have you ever heard the saying, "When God closes one door He opens another"? While this is true nobody ever talks about the hallway that must be passed through to get to that next door. And I am in that hallway. And it feels like hell in this hallway. So much has happened that I have been having trouble processing it all. Fair warning: this post might be a jumbled mess...well because I feel like a jumbled mess right now and please stick with me until the end. In these posts, I always seek to be honest about what I am going through. And you all know that I am a God-praiser, but the praising comes at the end of this one so stay with me.
Grief amazes me. Pain is humbling. It ever reminds me of my weakness and need for someone stronger and bigger than I am because without Him I am a scared little girl in the corner. Just when I feel like life is starting to even out, grief hits me right in the face and reminds me of what I have lost, of who I have lost. And then I feel like a terrible mother for momentarily forgetting her, for forgetting my pregnancy, for forgetting that right now I would be holding a two-month old in my arms.
Jason and I are enjoying each other. We are enjoying being a couple and the freedom we have. We speak of her often, in casual ways. We include her memory in our love for each other. For instance, Jason likes to hike and every time he ascends a mountain, at the top, he takes a picture of himself holding a picture of Aleah. While this is so endearing, the horror of it hits me. We have a dead child. A child we will never know in this life. We will never see her graduate, watch her find the love of her life, or hold her babies in our arms. This is my life.
I went to go see my doctor because I have been having trouble with my cycles. They have not been regular at all. My doctor thinks that not only am I irregular but that I have developed a condition that causes me not to ovulate at all. Meaning that my doctor is predicting that it could be very difficult for us to get pregnant again. And at the last appointment they did an ultra sound. The findings showed some cells that were concerning to my doctor. So I got to be told that at 23 years old, not only have I lost my first child to a very rare condition and that I may have developed a condition that will make it difficult to become pregnant, but that I also might possibly have cancer. Seriously?
This is the point where I feel like breaking. Where I feel like asking God to make my heart stop beating because it hurts so bad. Where I tell Him, "I just want to go home!" But obviously He did not grant my request. I am still here. And I will STILL PRAISE.
God started to show me that it is at this point when my praise in the most beautiful. It is this point that I can claim legitimate faith and trust. Because nothing looks like it will be alright. Nothing has been easy. But I will bring praise anyway. How could I ever show more love or devotion to my King than to love Him when every thing seems to go against me? This is true worship. I still believe Him when He says He makes all things work together for my good. I trust that He has good plans for me. I know that He has purchased eternal life for my family because we have believed Him; that this life will not compare to what is coming.
Ever notice that people who have the strongest testimonies do not have easy lives? I am beginning to. If you are experiencing circumstances and problems that make you feel like you will be swallowed whole, take heart and know that if you allow Him, He will draw you closer to Himself and transform you into beauty. And we as women know, that beauty often involves pain (high heels are a perfect example- they make your legs looks so good but they hurts so much! super spiritual, I know). But this pain leads to transformation. He does not waste pain. Every single trial I have walked through has been used to make me stronger, to mature me, to bring beauty to ashes. So again and again and again until eternity, I will bring praise. I will declare His goodness because my circumstances do not define Him. He is bigger. He is stronger. He reigns. You know what's awesome? Even in this incredibly difficult and painful season, His goodness is here. So if He is good in my hallway of hell, He can be good anywhere!
He has saved my family from mediocrity. There is no possible way I can stay there. It is either bitterness or praise. I choose praise. I choose to bless the Lord because He is good. Even if we are never given more children, He will still be good and deserve all my worship and praise. And I will give it. I give it now.
P.S.
I got the result back from the biopsy and there is no cancer- praise You Lord.
