I don't know why but this blog post has intimidated me. I feel like I want it to be the most perfect, articulate piece of writing that will adequately sum up all the emotions that are coursing through me right now. I don't know how successful I will be...but here goes.
Judah Benjamin is here! He is the most fascinating little person I've ever encountered. I find myself just lying on my couch most days staring at him with complete and utter wonder. I know I am his mother and therefore am completely biased but he is the most beautiful, handsome baby. And he smells amazing too.
This time with him has been so emotionally rewarding. Every day I wake up (and by day I mean every three hours), I look at my little boy and smile. He is my dream. He is a constant reminder that my Jesus sees my heart and my desires.
This March will be the second anniversary of Aleah's birth and death and the first anniversary of my miscarriage. So many times in those two years, I wondered, "God do you hear me? Do you see me?" And for a time, especially after my miscarriage, I was afraid to dream, to wish, to desire things because I had been met time after time with disappointment and pain. The moment when my heart began to try and close itself shut and relinquish all hope, Jesus stepped in and taught me to dream again.
Last year in early May, Jason and my Dad went up to a men's retreat that our church hosted in Estes Park. After one of the morning teaching sessions, Jason returned home and came into our bedroom. I was lying in bed having some quiet time with the Lord and during that quiet time I had been praying that God would give Jason and I some direction. But I especially prayed that it would come through Jason because I felt so beaten up and worn down.
Jason walks in and starts to tell me about the morning session he attended. Just as I prayed, God showed Jason many things. The theme of his encounter was God calling him to dream again, to ask Him for things, and to believe that He would bring them to pass. If I could characterize Jason and my relationship with God during the losses of our children it would be when Jacob wrestled with the angel. Jacob would not let go until God blessed him. I purposed in my heart that I would not let go until God blessed me and in that room Jason vocalized that exact idea. Jason told me that God was telling him to dream again, and that he was going to do it and would not stop until God answered.
I cried as Jason told me about his dreams. The biggest dream that God birthed in Jason that weekend was that we were going to adopt a child. We were going to rescue a child not so that we could find a way to be parents, but so that we could be Jesus to that little one. As he spoke, I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to voice my own dreams. Part of me balked at the idea and critically thought, "Why should I? Anytime I have asked for something in the past 2 years it turns to ashes." But He continued to knock at the door of my heart, as if to say, "One more time. Ask me one more time." So reluctantly I did.
I told Jason one of my greatest dreams was to carry a child full term. Just one. This was my dream and it seemed impossible. But as Jesus has said in His word, with God all things are possible. Though I did not know it, at that very moment that I verbally acknowledged my dream, I was pregnant with Judah. Isn't that like God? He knew my desires and dreams even before I had asked Him. But I believe it was important that I ask, and I am so thankful that I did.
As I type, my little dream in peacefully sleeping on my chest. His full head of brown hair caresses the bottom of my chin. And tears run down my face at the sweetness of this moment. Jesus has ALWAYS been faithful. His faithfulness is not measured by the number of children that I have in my arms today. His goodness is not quaralated to how many of my desires are fulfilled in my timing, in my way. But He does see them. He is aware of them. He knows my heart. And He has answered.
We named our son Judah because of the meaning of that name. His name means praise. God very clearly told me to praise Him in every circumstance when I was in the hospital preparing to give birth to Aleah. And we did. Here is our little lion of praise. He is the most beautiful little dream.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Friday, November 16, 2012
Worth It
It has been far too long since I have posted anything. But in my defense, teaching 150 students, being pregnant, and trying to be a good wife has dominated my time. I did not know how working full time would be. I am so delightfully surprised to learn that I love teaching. Now, some days I come home and cry or am ready to become a liscensed gun carrier. But most days, I come home happy from a hard days work. My middle school students are crazy, demanding, and full of energy but I really love teaching them, especially when they actually learn something. Nothing feels more rewarding.
Judah Benjamin is growing strong. His size amazes me. I am able at times to distinguish body parts which awes and creeps me out all at the same time. This pregnancy with him has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I have come to terms with a simple fact of life: my body hates to be pregnant. For some reason, pregnancy and my body are just not friends. In fact, I think if you were to characterize my body and pregnancy into historical figures they would get along about as well as Hitler and Buddha. Yet, the Lord in His faithfulness has sustained this child despite my body. I have had more complications than I care to share. I have been in the hospital 4 times. I am labeled "high risk" in multiple catagories. Yet His Name is higher than every label that is put upon me.
Pregnancy is my Everest. This journey has been so long and difficult. I am overjoyed at the thought that I am in the home stretch. My cerclage will be removed in less than 5 weeks. At that point, Judah could come at any time. The Lord has promised me from the beginning that Judah will "come in fullness". At the time, I wasn't completely sure what that meant. But I know now that Judah will come right when he is supposed to and not a moment before.
There have been times where I have been so weary and discouraged during this long hard journey. Yet my Jesus has never left me once. He has been faithful carry me when I cannot walk another step. He has shown me again and again how His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He has taught me to overcome. Not by my own pitiful will or ability but because of who I am in Him. Because He overcame. And because He overcame, I can. Everytime I go into a hospital or am diagnosed with a new complication, I heard Him whisper, "overcome".
I was doing my hair in the bathroom a few weeks ago and was reflecting on how far I had come in this pregnancy and yet how far I had to go. I told Judah, "You have no idea what has been done to make sure that you make it into this world." And then I saw myself sometime in the future, cupping his little face and telling him, "But you were worth it." Then I thought of Aleah. And I smiled to myself and looked to heaven and told her, "You were worth it too. All the pain and sorrow. I would do it again because meeting you was worth it." Then I thought of the child I have never met. The child I miscarried right before we became pregnant with Judah. I believe one day when I pass over to glory I will get to meet that child and tell them, "You were worth it too." As I thought about my three children and the love I have for each of them though I don't know them, I saw Jesus come to me. He cupped my face with his nail-scared hands and said, "You were worth the cross."
His love is like nothing I have ever experienced. It continually has the ability to absolutely blow my mind, make me feel completion, and give me a hope like nothing else can. He is extravagently good. He is worthy of all the praise and adoration this heart can give. I pray that today you seek and find the Father heart of God. I pray that He will fill you with His presence so that you will be changed everytime you encounter Him. Abba, there is none like You. Praise and blessing to your Name.
Judah Benjamin is growing strong. His size amazes me. I am able at times to distinguish body parts which awes and creeps me out all at the same time. This pregnancy with him has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I have come to terms with a simple fact of life: my body hates to be pregnant. For some reason, pregnancy and my body are just not friends. In fact, I think if you were to characterize my body and pregnancy into historical figures they would get along about as well as Hitler and Buddha. Yet, the Lord in His faithfulness has sustained this child despite my body. I have had more complications than I care to share. I have been in the hospital 4 times. I am labeled "high risk" in multiple catagories. Yet His Name is higher than every label that is put upon me.
Pregnancy is my Everest. This journey has been so long and difficult. I am overjoyed at the thought that I am in the home stretch. My cerclage will be removed in less than 5 weeks. At that point, Judah could come at any time. The Lord has promised me from the beginning that Judah will "come in fullness". At the time, I wasn't completely sure what that meant. But I know now that Judah will come right when he is supposed to and not a moment before.
There have been times where I have been so weary and discouraged during this long hard journey. Yet my Jesus has never left me once. He has been faithful carry me when I cannot walk another step. He has shown me again and again how His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He has taught me to overcome. Not by my own pitiful will or ability but because of who I am in Him. Because He overcame. And because He overcame, I can. Everytime I go into a hospital or am diagnosed with a new complication, I heard Him whisper, "overcome".
I was doing my hair in the bathroom a few weeks ago and was reflecting on how far I had come in this pregnancy and yet how far I had to go. I told Judah, "You have no idea what has been done to make sure that you make it into this world." And then I saw myself sometime in the future, cupping his little face and telling him, "But you were worth it." Then I thought of Aleah. And I smiled to myself and looked to heaven and told her, "You were worth it too. All the pain and sorrow. I would do it again because meeting you was worth it." Then I thought of the child I have never met. The child I miscarried right before we became pregnant with Judah. I believe one day when I pass over to glory I will get to meet that child and tell them, "You were worth it too." As I thought about my three children and the love I have for each of them though I don't know them, I saw Jesus come to me. He cupped my face with his nail-scared hands and said, "You were worth the cross."
His love is like nothing I have ever experienced. It continually has the ability to absolutely blow my mind, make me feel completion, and give me a hope like nothing else can. He is extravagently good. He is worthy of all the praise and adoration this heart can give. I pray that today you seek and find the Father heart of God. I pray that He will fill you with His presence so that you will be changed everytime you encounter Him. Abba, there is none like You. Praise and blessing to your Name.
Monday, July 16, 2012
More than I could ask or think
I know it has been a while since I have written here. So much has been happening that I have felt like all I could do is just sit back and watch my life play out before me. Now that I feel like I have somewhat of a pulse on the craziness that has been my life, I would love to fill everyone in (and by everyone I mean the whole 9 people that read this hehe).
A week after I miscarried in March, I decided that I would aggressively pursue teaching. I went to the UNC job fair a week after our baby went to heaven. I interviewed with several schools but after the job fair heard nothing back. I was very discouraged. I did get one interview with a school that I have wanted to work for, for a long time. My interview went very well but the job ended up going to one of my friends. I was such a mixture of emotion. I was so happy for her but so sad for me. I just remember feeling like I had hit rock bottom. In that moment, I felt like nothing would go right in my life ever again. Everything I had put my hand to had failed. Every door I tried to open got closed in my face. I remember yelling in my car with tears gushing down my face, "God what the HECK are you doing?"
I was inconsolable. No scripture passage, no words of wisdom brought comfort. And this was not about not getting the job. That was just the straw that broke my back. The bottomless pit I found myself falling through was a year's worth of disappointments mounting one on top of the other. It was hours and hours of prayers for breakthrough and deliverance going unanswered. Was this going to be the rest of my life?
Jesus is patient. He is kind. He was so gentle with me. Though I felt so angry and frustrated with Him, I still felt Him with me, listening to me, wanting to ease my hurts with His presence. So I let Him visit me. I told Him to come after me. I told Him that I didn't have the strength to go after Him, so would He please keep coming after me? And He did.
May came and I still had no answers about what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I would ask God constantly, "What do You want me to do? You keep shutting down everything I try....so could You tell me what You want?" Nothing. I heard absolutely nothing. The only thing He would talk to me about is my relationship with Him. I wanted to talk about how He was going to provide so we could afford an adoption, or how I was going to get a teaching job to reach out to kids with His love. I had all these awesome well-meaning things I was going to do for Him and He wouldn't let me. Why God? And He told me. He reminded me that all He had ever really wanted from me was to have my whole heart. To have my whole focus. Out of that relationship He said He and I would do great things together, but it was a partnership. It was not about what I could do for Him. That was one of the most freeing revelations I had ever had from Him. He really does just want me. Just me. He didn't create me for what I could do for Him. He created me so I could have a relationship with Him.
Little did I know what He had up His sleeve. That's the thing about God, you never know what He is about to do. He is the master of surprise. And let me tell you, I was about to be heart-stopping surprised. I was feeling a bit odd. My monthly friend had not come, but that wasn't news since that had been happening for the last year. On a whim at the dollar store, I picked up some pregnancy tests. When I got home I decided to take one. Nothing happened for a while. But then just like it had happened with my March pregnancy, I began to see a faint pink line. "No way" That's all I could think. I went and got a digital test. Sure enough it said "pregnant" and my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I remember whispering to the Lord, "I am not ready to lose a third child. How could You do this?"
I lived in an agonized state for a good two weeks. I woke up everyday and the first thought in my head was, "Will today be the day that I lose this baby?" I remember being about 5 weeks pregnant and going to church and beseeching God for help. I was depressed. I was full of anxiety. I did not posses an ounce of faith for the baby I carried, much to my shame. That night a word went out for "child-like faith". I raised my hand and many people prayed. Jesus changed me. Just ask my family. When I left that place I had faith and hope that were not there when I came in. Jesus met me where I was and gave me faith I didn't deserve because He is good and faithful, even when I'm not.
And boy would I need that faith. I finally called my doctor to let her know I was pregnant. She had me come in and do blood work immediately because of my "high risk" status. I appreciate that I get extra care and attention because I am high risk but I also hate that everything that happens in my body is micro-managed. It invites anxiety and fear like nothing else. Sure enough, my progesterone was once again low. She put me on supplements immediately. She had me continue to come in and do blood work to look at my quant count (the level of hcg should double every two days). I got a call on a Tuesday that the blood work was back and that the levels went up but they did not double. The doctor was concerned and wanted to order an ultra sound.Luckily, I got one scheduled for that morning so that I did not drive myself insane with worry.
All the way to the ultra-sound I talked to God. I prayed for this child. I prayed that we would see a heartbeat. I remember saying, "God I know who You are! You can do anything. So do this for me! Show Yourself strong." I felt like I was daring God to do this. Part of me was questioning whether I should be doing that, but somehow it felt right. Like He didn't mind my petition.
My husband Jason and my Mom came with me. I was visibly shaking on the table when the tech preformed the ultra sound. Within five seconds of inserting the wand she identified our baby and our baby's strong heartbeat of 130 bpm at the gestational age of 7 weeks. I felt like I was going to jump off the table for joy! Our baby was alive despite the low numbers and despite the low progesterone. I was staring at my tiny little miracle on the screen. God had heard me and He answered.
But He was just getting warmed up. A week before the ultra sound, I got a call from a middle school in Kersey asking if they could schedule an interview. I went to the interview and it went very well. The next week, a day after the ultra sound I got a call for a job offer from that school. I could not in good conscience not tell them about the pregnancy and my high risk factors. I told them that if they wanted to retract the offer I would understand. They said they needed some time to think it over but that they would let me know soon. I knew it would have to be God for me to get the job because who in their right mind would hire someone who is a first year teacher and would require maternity leave and possibly bed rest? The next day my husband got promoted at his job which is such a huge financial blessing. Then the school called. They offered me the job.
All that happened in a week. I will never forget that week as long as I live. My husband and I went to dinner Friday of the crazy blessings week and we just sat back amazed and confounded. Jesus reminded me of when He was talking to Peter and John while they were out fishing. They had been fishing all night and had caught nothing. Then Jesus told them to put their nets on the other side of the boat. The fish were so many that the nets broke. That is how I felt. Jesus told me, "I have so many blessings coming in such abundance that you will not be able to keep them all."
He is extravagantly good to me. I sit here typing with a healthy 13 week baby inside me, a job that will financially allow us to adopt (which we are going to do no matter how many children we have biologically), and my husband is able to move up in a very fulfilling career. Breakthrough has found me. Redemtion has found me. My Healer has found me.
On Friday of this week, I will going down to Denver for surgery. Please pray for myself and baby. It will be happening at 11:00 am so if you think of us please pray. Ways you can pray are that the cerclage would be placed in a way that it will hold this baby till term. Pray that there would be no infection. Pray that the doctor would have stead hands and wisdom as he sews. Pray for the presence of Jesus to be in that operating room. I will be awake for the procedure, so pray for peace over me. Pray for a quick recovery. Pray for minimal bleeding and cramping. But most of all pray that God's glory be revealed in this pregnancy. I am grateful for the cerclage but I know that HE is the one who holds this baby. He is one that holds the keys to life and death. I put all my trust in Jesus. I declare with faith that this child will be full term. I declare that this child will be delivered unto life and not death. I believe He is who He says He is. Believe with me.
A week after I miscarried in March, I decided that I would aggressively pursue teaching. I went to the UNC job fair a week after our baby went to heaven. I interviewed with several schools but after the job fair heard nothing back. I was very discouraged. I did get one interview with a school that I have wanted to work for, for a long time. My interview went very well but the job ended up going to one of my friends. I was such a mixture of emotion. I was so happy for her but so sad for me. I just remember feeling like I had hit rock bottom. In that moment, I felt like nothing would go right in my life ever again. Everything I had put my hand to had failed. Every door I tried to open got closed in my face. I remember yelling in my car with tears gushing down my face, "God what the HECK are you doing?"
I was inconsolable. No scripture passage, no words of wisdom brought comfort. And this was not about not getting the job. That was just the straw that broke my back. The bottomless pit I found myself falling through was a year's worth of disappointments mounting one on top of the other. It was hours and hours of prayers for breakthrough and deliverance going unanswered. Was this going to be the rest of my life?
Jesus is patient. He is kind. He was so gentle with me. Though I felt so angry and frustrated with Him, I still felt Him with me, listening to me, wanting to ease my hurts with His presence. So I let Him visit me. I told Him to come after me. I told Him that I didn't have the strength to go after Him, so would He please keep coming after me? And He did.
May came and I still had no answers about what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I would ask God constantly, "What do You want me to do? You keep shutting down everything I try....so could You tell me what You want?" Nothing. I heard absolutely nothing. The only thing He would talk to me about is my relationship with Him. I wanted to talk about how He was going to provide so we could afford an adoption, or how I was going to get a teaching job to reach out to kids with His love. I had all these awesome well-meaning things I was going to do for Him and He wouldn't let me. Why God? And He told me. He reminded me that all He had ever really wanted from me was to have my whole heart. To have my whole focus. Out of that relationship He said He and I would do great things together, but it was a partnership. It was not about what I could do for Him. That was one of the most freeing revelations I had ever had from Him. He really does just want me. Just me. He didn't create me for what I could do for Him. He created me so I could have a relationship with Him.
Little did I know what He had up His sleeve. That's the thing about God, you never know what He is about to do. He is the master of surprise. And let me tell you, I was about to be heart-stopping surprised. I was feeling a bit odd. My monthly friend had not come, but that wasn't news since that had been happening for the last year. On a whim at the dollar store, I picked up some pregnancy tests. When I got home I decided to take one. Nothing happened for a while. But then just like it had happened with my March pregnancy, I began to see a faint pink line. "No way" That's all I could think. I went and got a digital test. Sure enough it said "pregnant" and my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I remember whispering to the Lord, "I am not ready to lose a third child. How could You do this?"
I lived in an agonized state for a good two weeks. I woke up everyday and the first thought in my head was, "Will today be the day that I lose this baby?" I remember being about 5 weeks pregnant and going to church and beseeching God for help. I was depressed. I was full of anxiety. I did not posses an ounce of faith for the baby I carried, much to my shame. That night a word went out for "child-like faith". I raised my hand and many people prayed. Jesus changed me. Just ask my family. When I left that place I had faith and hope that were not there when I came in. Jesus met me where I was and gave me faith I didn't deserve because He is good and faithful, even when I'm not.
And boy would I need that faith. I finally called my doctor to let her know I was pregnant. She had me come in and do blood work immediately because of my "high risk" status. I appreciate that I get extra care and attention because I am high risk but I also hate that everything that happens in my body is micro-managed. It invites anxiety and fear like nothing else. Sure enough, my progesterone was once again low. She put me on supplements immediately. She had me continue to come in and do blood work to look at my quant count (the level of hcg should double every two days). I got a call on a Tuesday that the blood work was back and that the levels went up but they did not double. The doctor was concerned and wanted to order an ultra sound.Luckily, I got one scheduled for that morning so that I did not drive myself insane with worry.
All the way to the ultra-sound I talked to God. I prayed for this child. I prayed that we would see a heartbeat. I remember saying, "God I know who You are! You can do anything. So do this for me! Show Yourself strong." I felt like I was daring God to do this. Part of me was questioning whether I should be doing that, but somehow it felt right. Like He didn't mind my petition.
My husband Jason and my Mom came with me. I was visibly shaking on the table when the tech preformed the ultra sound. Within five seconds of inserting the wand she identified our baby and our baby's strong heartbeat of 130 bpm at the gestational age of 7 weeks. I felt like I was going to jump off the table for joy! Our baby was alive despite the low numbers and despite the low progesterone. I was staring at my tiny little miracle on the screen. God had heard me and He answered.
But He was just getting warmed up. A week before the ultra sound, I got a call from a middle school in Kersey asking if they could schedule an interview. I went to the interview and it went very well. The next week, a day after the ultra sound I got a call for a job offer from that school. I could not in good conscience not tell them about the pregnancy and my high risk factors. I told them that if they wanted to retract the offer I would understand. They said they needed some time to think it over but that they would let me know soon. I knew it would have to be God for me to get the job because who in their right mind would hire someone who is a first year teacher and would require maternity leave and possibly bed rest? The next day my husband got promoted at his job which is such a huge financial blessing. Then the school called. They offered me the job.
All that happened in a week. I will never forget that week as long as I live. My husband and I went to dinner Friday of the crazy blessings week and we just sat back amazed and confounded. Jesus reminded me of when He was talking to Peter and John while they were out fishing. They had been fishing all night and had caught nothing. Then Jesus told them to put their nets on the other side of the boat. The fish were so many that the nets broke. That is how I felt. Jesus told me, "I have so many blessings coming in such abundance that you will not be able to keep them all."
He is extravagantly good to me. I sit here typing with a healthy 13 week baby inside me, a job that will financially allow us to adopt (which we are going to do no matter how many children we have biologically), and my husband is able to move up in a very fulfilling career. Breakthrough has found me. Redemtion has found me. My Healer has found me.
On Friday of this week, I will going down to Denver for surgery. Please pray for myself and baby. It will be happening at 11:00 am so if you think of us please pray. Ways you can pray are that the cerclage would be placed in a way that it will hold this baby till term. Pray that there would be no infection. Pray that the doctor would have stead hands and wisdom as he sews. Pray for the presence of Jesus to be in that operating room. I will be awake for the procedure, so pray for peace over me. Pray for a quick recovery. Pray for minimal bleeding and cramping. But most of all pray that God's glory be revealed in this pregnancy. I am grateful for the cerclage but I know that HE is the one who holds this baby. He is one that holds the keys to life and death. I put all my trust in Jesus. I declare with faith that this child will be full term. I declare that this child will be delivered unto life and not death. I believe He is who He says He is. Believe with me.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Even here
March was a whirlwind. On March 5th, my brother's birthday, we found out that we would be parents for the second time. I took four different pregnancy tests because I was in such a state of shock. I had always pictured how that moment would be when we found out that God had delivered His promise, and all I could do was sit in shock. I didn't eat a single thing that day because I couldn't believe that our baby had finally come.
Then March 23rd came. It was our beautiful Aleah's one year anniversary of her life and death. That was a hard day but there was comfort in knowing I had another child in my womb. The next morning I began to bleed. There was no major cause for alarm because the amount was not very great. Still, it unsettled me. The next day the bleeding increased. We went to the emergency room that night and did an ultra sound which showed that the pregnancy was dating around 5 weeks. According to my calculations and the word God gave my Mother about when our child was conceived, the measurements were off by 2 weeks. I knew that I should be seeing a fetal heartbeat, but all I saw was a sack.
My parents and husband strongly believed that everything would be alright. I so wanted to believe with them. But I knew that something was wrong. The next day I miscarried. I know that the baby had left for heaven long before my body realized he was gone. I also believe that our baby was a little boy. We named him Asher Jason Harris. I guess the joke will be on me when I get to heaven if "Asher" is a little girl. Like Aleah's name, Asher is Hebrew and means "happiness". He gave us such great happiness for those three wonderful weeks.
This miscarriage has confused and perplexed me beyond anything that has occurred in my life. With Aleah's death I saw meaning and purpose. With Asher's death, all I know is confusion. I don't know what God is doing. I don't know why He took Asher to heaven. He was my promised child. What do you do when your promise dies?
But this changes nothing. This death does not negate the goodness of God. He is faithful. He gave me my promise; I became pregnant just like He said I would. And He has given me grace once again. I am living in a peace that I do not understand. My heart aches with pain but I can honestly say it is well with my soul. I don't understand, but I don't need to understand. The pain would be the same. I know Him so I trust Him. Even here. Even in this place of death and broken dreams. Though He slay me I will put my trust in Him. I will not make the goodness of God contingent upon my circumstances. He is greater. He has overcome. His perfect love casts out all my fears. Because I know His great love for me, I rejoice that my God is for me. I will be loyal to Him unto death. All deaths. No matter how many children He calls to heaven, I will bless the Lord because He is worthy of all my praise.
About a month after Aleah died, I was driving down the road and I felt the Holy Spirit ask, "Jessica, if I take another child will you still love me there?" I was staggered by the question. God had just taken my firstborn, how could He ask me a question like that? I measured my words carefully before I responded. I said, "Yes, I will love you. Even there, I will love you." And I meant that.
Now He has taken me up on my promise. So Lord Jesus, I say yes. I love you. Even here.
Then March 23rd came. It was our beautiful Aleah's one year anniversary of her life and death. That was a hard day but there was comfort in knowing I had another child in my womb. The next morning I began to bleed. There was no major cause for alarm because the amount was not very great. Still, it unsettled me. The next day the bleeding increased. We went to the emergency room that night and did an ultra sound which showed that the pregnancy was dating around 5 weeks. According to my calculations and the word God gave my Mother about when our child was conceived, the measurements were off by 2 weeks. I knew that I should be seeing a fetal heartbeat, but all I saw was a sack.
My parents and husband strongly believed that everything would be alright. I so wanted to believe with them. But I knew that something was wrong. The next day I miscarried. I know that the baby had left for heaven long before my body realized he was gone. I also believe that our baby was a little boy. We named him Asher Jason Harris. I guess the joke will be on me when I get to heaven if "Asher" is a little girl. Like Aleah's name, Asher is Hebrew and means "happiness". He gave us such great happiness for those three wonderful weeks.
This miscarriage has confused and perplexed me beyond anything that has occurred in my life. With Aleah's death I saw meaning and purpose. With Asher's death, all I know is confusion. I don't know what God is doing. I don't know why He took Asher to heaven. He was my promised child. What do you do when your promise dies?
But this changes nothing. This death does not negate the goodness of God. He is faithful. He gave me my promise; I became pregnant just like He said I would. And He has given me grace once again. I am living in a peace that I do not understand. My heart aches with pain but I can honestly say it is well with my soul. I don't understand, but I don't need to understand. The pain would be the same. I know Him so I trust Him. Even here. Even in this place of death and broken dreams. Though He slay me I will put my trust in Him. I will not make the goodness of God contingent upon my circumstances. He is greater. He has overcome. His perfect love casts out all my fears. Because I know His great love for me, I rejoice that my God is for me. I will be loyal to Him unto death. All deaths. No matter how many children He calls to heaven, I will bless the Lord because He is worthy of all my praise.
About a month after Aleah died, I was driving down the road and I felt the Holy Spirit ask, "Jessica, if I take another child will you still love me there?" I was staggered by the question. God had just taken my firstborn, how could He ask me a question like that? I measured my words carefully before I responded. I said, "Yes, I will love you. Even there, I will love you." And I meant that.
Now He has taken me up on my promise. So Lord Jesus, I say yes. I love you. Even here.
Friday, March 23, 2012
March 23rd
The story below is something that God gave me at 4:00 in the morning in January. Everything in the story is part of the picture that God showed me upon waking up. This last year I have learned much about sorrow. I think many of us try to avoid sorrow and pain at all costs, which is understandable. Humans don't enjoy pain and we weren't designed to. But sorrow is from God; and He uses pain like no one else can. I have learned to embrace sorrow and pain like old friends, knowing that they will not always be my constant companions as they are now. I know that pain and sorrow will one day turn into joy and peace.
Aleah- I still rejoice in my heart when I think on this day that you came into the world. Given the choice I would do it all again because all the pain and sorrow were worth getting to meet you for 59 sweet minutes. I image that heaven is throwing you the biggest birthday party ever. Know that your parents' hearts rejoice for you. One year ago today I held you in my arms and said goodbye. And my heart yearns for the day when I will hold you once more but never have to let go. This story is for you baby girl. All my love!
Aleah- I still rejoice in my heart when I think on this day that you came into the world. Given the choice I would do it all again because all the pain and sorrow were worth getting to meet you for 59 sweet minutes. I image that heaven is throwing you the biggest birthday party ever. Know that your parents' hearts rejoice for you. One year ago today I held you in my arms and said goodbye. And my heart yearns for the day when I will hold you once more but never have to let go. This story is for you baby girl. All my love!
March twenty-third. It was her first birthday. I had been anticipating this day since the day she came in the world, a tiny pink bundle of newness and life. Each month since her birth on the twenty-third day of each month, I wrote her a letter. I wrote to her in the hopes that someday she would read the love I had for her when she was just a small helpless infant. Maybe if she read the letters she might be semi cognizant and appreciative of all the sacrifices that had and would be made on her behalf.
My whole life changed the second she entered the world. All the agonizing pain of childbirth became lost to me the instant she was placed in my eager arms. For the past year, I spent hours studying the beauty and miraculous handiwork of her little body. I thought in wonder, all that she is now was once only a few cells no bigger than a period in a sentence. Just looking at her face made my abounding Mother’s love overflow into the nooks and crannies of my soul. She infiltrated and ruled my thoughts constantly.
And now the day of celebration and remembrance was upon me. I planned a party for her, as all loving mothers are inclined to do. Even at the age of one, she already had friends and companions. They of course neither spoke with words that I could overhear; however, no one who saw them ever doubted the sacred bond they shared. Adriana had been born a year earlier than she had and Bradyn three months after her. These children would be at the party, to celebrate her life.
I break my trance of starring out the window at the glistening March snow and grab my recipe book. I say to my baby, “I hope you like confetti cake, Little Bear.” There is really no way to know what kind of cake she would prefer but I figure any child would like cake with rainbow colors inside. “Should I make your frosting pink or purple?” I ask, and my little girl gives me a long silence in response. I decide to go with pink because it matches her birthday outfit.
Once I finished baking her cake, I load all the birthday party supplies into the station wagon I vowed I would never own. On the way out to the car, I see the Kleenex box sitting on the corner of my coffee table. I pause and pluck several fresh tissues from the box and stick them in my coat pocket. It’s her first birthday; of course I am going to cry, I reason to myself.
When I arrive at the party destination, the cool March air pricks my cheeks as I walk down the gravel walkway at the park. I never thought I would be having an outdoor birthday party for my daughter in the middle of March, yet on I stride. I see her little friends in the distance. A knowing smile comes to my lips; they would not miss her birthday for the world. The thought brings color to my cheeks and strength to my shivering legs to continue on.
I have brought balloons and my Little Bear’s birthday gift. For a long while, I had agonized over what to get her for this special day. I finally decided to write her another letter and to promise to write her a letter on every birthday till my dying day. Maybe someday she will appreciate the effort I hope in my mother’s heart.
All the children at the party look to me, and I realize I must be the one to begin the song. I breathe in deep. Cold frosted air fills my lungs, and I begin singing Happy Birthday to You. My breath catches and my voice falters when I sing her name. Aleah.
The silence is deafening as I sing to my child’s grave. I see the reflection of tears streaming down my face on her granite stone. I feel utterly alone in this place of broken dreams. But then I look at Adriana and Bradyn’s graves placed on both sides of Aleah’s and know that their parents have sung and will sing birthday songs in this desolate grave yard too.
I attach the letter written to my little daughter to the balloons that I brought her. I pull out her picture from my pocket. I stare again for the thousandth time at the twelve inch, one pound two ounce child that enraptured my heart the moment I held her. My eyes drink in her pink outfit, always the same never changing. Even though I bought dozens of other outfits in preparation for her birth, they will lie untouched in her vacant nursery.
With a brave smile on my lips and fresh tears in my eyes, I release the balloon to the heavens where she now resides. I bring both hands to my lips and blow her the biggest kiss I can physically muster and whisper, “Happy birthday Little Bear. Mama loves you.”
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Spring
It is a gloomy day outside but peace resides in my soul. I count this day as precious because I am resting in the peace that only comes from my Father. So much I struggle with patience and anxiety. But today, my soul is a lake of glass. My soul is in winter, but I have seen signs of spring. Blades of grass are poking out of the winter's snow. The snow is deep from the skies' frequent and exhaustive cries, its' tears freezing into beautiful flakes of shapes that each mark the overwhelming pain.
Excruciatingly beautiful. That is what characterizes this winter wasteland. The stillness amplifies every sound, every movement. In the silent softness of the frigid snows, movement and growth are being heard. The barren trees are growing, longer, stronger roots. The grass seedlings are preparing to sprout once more to break through winter's hard shell. The same ice barrier that covers them will melt and be the substance of the seed's life. All those frozen tears will melt in the heat of the Son. He will make all things beautiful in His time.
A little bird sings to me, "Take heart daughter. Spring is coming." I have heard spring before I have seen it. But I believe all the same.
Excruciatingly beautiful. That is what characterizes this winter wasteland. The stillness amplifies every sound, every movement. In the silent softness of the frigid snows, movement and growth are being heard. The barren trees are growing, longer, stronger roots. The grass seedlings are preparing to sprout once more to break through winter's hard shell. The same ice barrier that covers them will melt and be the substance of the seed's life. All those frozen tears will melt in the heat of the Son. He will make all things beautiful in His time.
A little bird sings to me, "Take heart daughter. Spring is coming." I have heard spring before I have seen it. But I believe all the same.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Promise Part II
When I wrote The Promise I never thought that there would be a second part. But it gives me such great pleasure and joy to tell you all that there is. I mentioned in my last post that I have wanted a promise from God directly about my future and if that future included children. Well, after 9 long months of pleading with Him to tell me anything about that aspect of my life, on December 18th He did. We were at church and a word was given. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this word was for Jason and I. But before I divulge the promise, let me give you a little background.
Every month since we lost Aleah, my body still has pregnancy symptoms. For me, the symptoms can be the most cruel form of torture because I feel pregnant but every month ends in negative pregnancy tests and my heart breaks just a little more from the pain and disappointment. And the month of December was no different. I had taken a test on Friday December16th which came back negative. I did not cry when I saw the result but accepted the disappointment as I have learned to do after month after month of negative results. Jason told me how proud he was of me that I didn't cry this time, it was the first time that I had not dissolved in tears.
The next day we went to Wray, Colorado to see one of Jason's good friends from college. The drive to Wray is about 3 and a half hours long. I don't know about you, but the car seems to be a catalyst for arguments for Jason and I. And how stupid is it to get in a fight in the car? It is a small metal box which you can not easily escape when driving 65 miles an hour down an empty stretch of asphalt highway. Then you add the tension of the argument and the knowing that you cannot escape the other person. You are stuck. Of all the big blow-up fights I can think of, the majority of them occurred in the car. And you guessed it, the storm clouds rolled in to create the perfect storm. The drive there was mostly pleasant but a few things were said that hinted that storm clouds were on the horizon but we both tried our best to ignore them.
The visit with Jason's friend was wonderful. We got to see her house and cute little puppy. But when she began to ask us about how we were doing with trying to become pregnant, it became crystal clear that Jason and I were on two different wave lengths.
When we tried to get pregnant with Aleah it took a whole 2 months of trying and...bam! We were pregnant. It has not been so this time around. And in my mind, I was ready to start consulting a fertility doctor. Jason, on the other hand, firmly believes that my body is just fine and that we will become pregnant right when we are suppossed to. He also has told me repeatedly that, if God does not give us another child, it will be perfectly alright, not because we don't want more children, but because it is His will for us and His will is perfect.
Jason's words sound so good. And I knew that he had the right of it, but those words did not stop my heart from breaking every time I saw a pregnant woman, blooming with her child safely inside her, something I had not been able to do for mine. His words troubled me because having children has been one of my greatest and deepest desires. I have shared this desire with my Lord nearly everyday. I believed fully that my God could give me another child, but I did not know if He would. And I did not want to demand anything from Him because who am I to tell Him what He needs to do and how He needs to do it?
Right after Aleah died, for a while I did have an entitled attitude. I thought to myself, "Surely, You will give me more children God. Don't I deserve a child after all I have been through?" And He asked me, "Jessica, can you pry blessings from My hands?". That silenced me. I repented in my heart and knew that He was the giver of blessings. I could not force Him to do anything. So for 9 months, I asked Him to reveal His will. I asked for direction. I asked that if no more children were in our future that He would quiet my desire for them. But all I heard was silence. He spoke to me volumes on anything else in the world, but He never said one word about this.
When Jason and I got back in the car, a tornado of a fight was headed full steam towards us. We finally said all the things to each other that we had been thinking the past 9 months when it came to our fertility. I didn't know what to do. I have felt like a small boat being tossed back and forth by waves of decisions. Should we adopt? Should we go to a fertility doctor? Should we go on clomid? Should we do nothing and wait on the Lord? I had no answers. When Jason in a voice of resignation and frustration asked, "Jess, what do you want me to do? I don't think we should go see a fertility doctor which will cost money we don't have, but if that's what you want I'll do it. I don't think we will get pregnant if we do it, but if this is what you want we'll do it." And I screamed back, "I don't know what to do. I want to do what God wants but He won't say a single word to me about it. HE IS SILENT!" Cue large ugly sobs.
And just as quickly as the storm clouds rolled in, they departed. And my husband held my hand and cried with me. He told me how much he loved me and that he couldn't stand to see me so torn apart. He made me promise that from this day forward we were going to trust God. That we were never going to try to manipulate and plan our way through our life without Him. We had tried that once and it didn't work so well. Jason told me that we were going to choose joy everyday. That we were going to bless God everyday no matter what our circumstances were. And I agreed. I surrendered.
The next morning we went to church. I felt myself worship God freely. I had layed my heavy burdens at His feet and just worshiped. Then one of our pastors, Pastor Dianne, got up to share the words of knowledge that had been given. Usually, at this point in the service, the words have all my attention because for months I had waited to see if God would tell me anything. But this week, I did not hope for a word. So while I was not paying attention, all the sudden I start hearing the words, "There is a couple here that has trying to become pregnant and God wants you to know that you are going to become pregnant!" Jason and I looked at each other in shock and began to cry. There was a tiny voice inside my head that said, "But is this really for you?" And then Pastor Dianne looks at Jason and I and starts laughing as she says, "Oh, this is for you guys isn't it?". Then I knew, God was giving me my promise.
I was in such a state of shock that I barely remember what people prayed over us. But I do remember one woman kept saying the word, "promise" over and over. Also, my best friend Stevie saw on facebook the day before that we were leaving to go to what Jason called "Nebraska" because Wray is so far east. She thought that I was not there when the word was given, and she leaned over to her Mom and said, "I am so sad Jess isn't here. This word is for her, I just know it." And her Mom said, "No she's right over there."
When I looked up through a veil of tears, I saw my best friend by my side. She has prayed for me every single day, that I would become pregnant. It was extremely special that she could be there with me, when God gave me this promise because He was answering her prayers too.
So I don't know when and I don't know how, but I know that He has promised. I believe Him. His word that it will happen is as good as a positive pregnancy test. Without faith it is impossible to please God, so I openly declare that I will become pregnant because He said so. Rejoice with me and give thanks to our Lord and King.
Every month since we lost Aleah, my body still has pregnancy symptoms. For me, the symptoms can be the most cruel form of torture because I feel pregnant but every month ends in negative pregnancy tests and my heart breaks just a little more from the pain and disappointment. And the month of December was no different. I had taken a test on Friday December16th which came back negative. I did not cry when I saw the result but accepted the disappointment as I have learned to do after month after month of negative results. Jason told me how proud he was of me that I didn't cry this time, it was the first time that I had not dissolved in tears.
The next day we went to Wray, Colorado to see one of Jason's good friends from college. The drive to Wray is about 3 and a half hours long. I don't know about you, but the car seems to be a catalyst for arguments for Jason and I. And how stupid is it to get in a fight in the car? It is a small metal box which you can not easily escape when driving 65 miles an hour down an empty stretch of asphalt highway. Then you add the tension of the argument and the knowing that you cannot escape the other person. You are stuck. Of all the big blow-up fights I can think of, the majority of them occurred in the car. And you guessed it, the storm clouds rolled in to create the perfect storm. The drive there was mostly pleasant but a few things were said that hinted that storm clouds were on the horizon but we both tried our best to ignore them.
The visit with Jason's friend was wonderful. We got to see her house and cute little puppy. But when she began to ask us about how we were doing with trying to become pregnant, it became crystal clear that Jason and I were on two different wave lengths.
When we tried to get pregnant with Aleah it took a whole 2 months of trying and...bam! We were pregnant. It has not been so this time around. And in my mind, I was ready to start consulting a fertility doctor. Jason, on the other hand, firmly believes that my body is just fine and that we will become pregnant right when we are suppossed to. He also has told me repeatedly that, if God does not give us another child, it will be perfectly alright, not because we don't want more children, but because it is His will for us and His will is perfect.
Jason's words sound so good. And I knew that he had the right of it, but those words did not stop my heart from breaking every time I saw a pregnant woman, blooming with her child safely inside her, something I had not been able to do for mine. His words troubled me because having children has been one of my greatest and deepest desires. I have shared this desire with my Lord nearly everyday. I believed fully that my God could give me another child, but I did not know if He would. And I did not want to demand anything from Him because who am I to tell Him what He needs to do and how He needs to do it?
Right after Aleah died, for a while I did have an entitled attitude. I thought to myself, "Surely, You will give me more children God. Don't I deserve a child after all I have been through?" And He asked me, "Jessica, can you pry blessings from My hands?". That silenced me. I repented in my heart and knew that He was the giver of blessings. I could not force Him to do anything. So for 9 months, I asked Him to reveal His will. I asked for direction. I asked that if no more children were in our future that He would quiet my desire for them. But all I heard was silence. He spoke to me volumes on anything else in the world, but He never said one word about this.
When Jason and I got back in the car, a tornado of a fight was headed full steam towards us. We finally said all the things to each other that we had been thinking the past 9 months when it came to our fertility. I didn't know what to do. I have felt like a small boat being tossed back and forth by waves of decisions. Should we adopt? Should we go to a fertility doctor? Should we go on clomid? Should we do nothing and wait on the Lord? I had no answers. When Jason in a voice of resignation and frustration asked, "Jess, what do you want me to do? I don't think we should go see a fertility doctor which will cost money we don't have, but if that's what you want I'll do it. I don't think we will get pregnant if we do it, but if this is what you want we'll do it." And I screamed back, "I don't know what to do. I want to do what God wants but He won't say a single word to me about it. HE IS SILENT!" Cue large ugly sobs.
And just as quickly as the storm clouds rolled in, they departed. And my husband held my hand and cried with me. He told me how much he loved me and that he couldn't stand to see me so torn apart. He made me promise that from this day forward we were going to trust God. That we were never going to try to manipulate and plan our way through our life without Him. We had tried that once and it didn't work so well. Jason told me that we were going to choose joy everyday. That we were going to bless God everyday no matter what our circumstances were. And I agreed. I surrendered.
The next morning we went to church. I felt myself worship God freely. I had layed my heavy burdens at His feet and just worshiped. Then one of our pastors, Pastor Dianne, got up to share the words of knowledge that had been given. Usually, at this point in the service, the words have all my attention because for months I had waited to see if God would tell me anything. But this week, I did not hope for a word. So while I was not paying attention, all the sudden I start hearing the words, "There is a couple here that has trying to become pregnant and God wants you to know that you are going to become pregnant!" Jason and I looked at each other in shock and began to cry. There was a tiny voice inside my head that said, "But is this really for you?" And then Pastor Dianne looks at Jason and I and starts laughing as she says, "Oh, this is for you guys isn't it?". Then I knew, God was giving me my promise.
I was in such a state of shock that I barely remember what people prayed over us. But I do remember one woman kept saying the word, "promise" over and over. Also, my best friend Stevie saw on facebook the day before that we were leaving to go to what Jason called "Nebraska" because Wray is so far east. She thought that I was not there when the word was given, and she leaned over to her Mom and said, "I am so sad Jess isn't here. This word is for her, I just know it." And her Mom said, "No she's right over there."
When I looked up through a veil of tears, I saw my best friend by my side. She has prayed for me every single day, that I would become pregnant. It was extremely special that she could be there with me, when God gave me this promise because He was answering her prayers too.
So I don't know when and I don't know how, but I know that He has promised. I believe Him. His word that it will happen is as good as a positive pregnancy test. Without faith it is impossible to please God, so I openly declare that I will become pregnant because He said so. Rejoice with me and give thanks to our Lord and King.
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